Morglopedia *

The calm before the storm

2009-06-14T23:22:00.004-05:00

I've been waiting all day to blog, and now I get here, and I'm not sure what to write.

I think I can honestly say that this has been the most relaxed weekend I remember in ages. Nothing to do but organize, unpack, and orient myself with my surroundings...oh, and skim the first 2 anatomy lectures for Monday...but that's another story.

I'm so thankful for the calm before the storm.

Friday night and Saturday morning were spent almost exclusively unpacking and decorating my new digs. I'm pleased with how everything came together...tons of pictures, lots of lamps, random reminders of old memories. I have a reading corner, a coffee station, an elevated bed, a mini-fridge, and even a "portable kitchen" (stacking bins with all my kitchen essentials that can be carried down to the kitchenette whenever I cook). It's a nice little room. Lots of light, nice and quite, spacious yet cozy. I got my grocery shopping done, braved my first trip off campus, and found a few coffee shops but mostly got lost in the "suburbian maze" and felt glad to come back to the calm of campus.

Saturday afternoon, after Matt finished teaching in Batavia, he came over and whisked me off to the city. I had figured out enough about the metra system to get us into Chicago by rail (an adventure to be sure, but not that hard after you've done it once). What fun to ride the 45 mintes, observing the many types of people who move in to the city for Saturday night life. One of my favorite things about such adventures is that you never know what types of people you'll see, what little conversations you'll overhear, and what you can learn about a person's life from the clothes they wear or what they carry. Since public transport in the city makes so much sense and is so inexpensive, you see people who are homeless sitting quite near those who obviously live comfortably in a rich suburb. I heard 4-5 different languages in one trip, and saw ages across a lifetime. Its a fascinating blend.

Chicago was our destination primarily for the Chicago Blues Fest, recommended to us by my PA program director along with the command, "DON'T spend your last free weekend on campus worrying about anatomy!!!".

We were happy to comply.

We took the metra to union station, asked for directions from a conductor and followed them...they were totally wrong. After boarding the wrong bus, the driver kindly dropped us at the spot on his route that was closest to our destination and we walked the rest of the way in. The festival spans 4-5 blocks between Michigan Avenue and Lake Shore Drive, overlapping with Grant Park primarily. 5 major stages are interspersed with fair food, music and guitar stores set up under tents, and street musicians with a single amp and a guitar singing away. The mood was reminicent of the Decatur Celebration in places, but with a wider breadth of people overall, and, for the most part, an incredibly high level of talent. Brass jazz bands, bluegrass rhythm bands, and slow, sweet new orleans style blues competed for sound space all afternoon. After an hour or so of listening, we headed down michigan avenue and had a nice dinner at an outdoor cafe. Good conversation and wonderful food under the serenade of a street singer whose can got just a little more full as we walked away. Back at the fest, we walked in and out of several shows, but stood for over an hour to hear the night show of Bettye Levette. I'd never heard of her before last night, but she's the older black woman who sang with Jon Bon Jovi at O'bama's Inauguration. She's 63 and put out her first album in 1969...and apparently both then and now she's a pretty big deal. Not only did she sing a good amount of "self history" but she touched on lots of classics from every imaginable blues genre. People were dancing, clapping, laughing...it didn't matter...no one could stand still. I love the ambiguity that comes with a large crowd under a darkening sky. No one cares what's going on so long as they can still hear the music. We all reveled in a shared experience that promoted unusual individuality with no shame. :) What an incredible show.

After a late night, this morning's adventure was to do the first church visit in the area...something Matt and I have been pretty excited about for a while. We did all the research, found directions and times, etc, and got there just in time for the service this morning. Unfortunately, the service wasn't there... apparently Wheaton Bible Church has moved...and to no where in the near vicinity, I assure you. We drove around for quite some time looking for it, and after doing so realized we had missed all the other services for the 8,000 or so other churches in Wheaton. Oops. But, we enjoyed lunch and a little church service of our own, which turned out fine. To be continued next week.

This afternoon, in an effort to start being more active, we headed to Midwestern's Wellness Center. It was completely empty, save a nice security guard and one lonely basketball player. Matt and I had decided that learning to play racket ball would be fun and new...and after calling Mom for her 20 year old recollections on how to play, we started right in. I will say that we definitely need some work...but even when you can't hit the ball anywhere NEAR where it's supposed to be going, playing a life sized version of "anything goes" ping pong is a LOT of fun...and a lot of work. We got good and sweaty, then came back to my room to google the real game instructions. Certainly we were not doing things correctly, but with our lack of accuracy it probably didn't matter. Better luck next week we hope. :) In the meantime, I've decided that very few actions are more satisfying that whacking a racket ball like crazy and watching it bounce off 6 different surfaces. I'm thinking I'll keep this in my stress relief arsenal for future days of "storm".

Tonight capped off the weekend perfectly. Before Matt headed home, I made dinner (Taco salads and Blue Corn Chips) and then we headed to downtown Downers Grove. Unlike the busy, sprawling, concrete mess that I had understood were "the suburbs", we found a small-town feeling city center with lots of trees, older buildings, and a coffee shop where the barista knew the name of everyone who walked in (except us, of course). We got coffee, and began to stroll up and down the many streets...walking past endless adorable boutiques, fun local restaurants, pizza parlors, old style barber shops, art supply stores, galleries, dance studios, and etc. There was an 1800's cemetary, where many of the first townsfolk are buried, a beautiful square complete with an old theater and a old-style diner, and the train station, with a beautiful old clock. Couples kept riding their bikes into the square and parking them in front of the sundae shop. Families with young kids were playing by the fountain and in the park. Teenagers were walking in from nearby residences to hang out at the coffee shops. I take back everything I've ever said about the suburbs being cookie cutter, collossal, materialistic, and boring. I guess I just had never seen anything but the "mall and metropolis" side of them. The Caribou on the corner will be a perfect study spot (just the right amount of noise...good music....$1 coffee on mondays), the small amphitheater in the city park has live music every saturday night (as does the Irish style pub), and the "Cellar Door" has both expensive and inexpensive wines and a beautiful outdoor patio to enjoy them on. This Matt and I did as we counted our many blessings and enjoyed the beatiful evening.

I feel aclimated, relaxed, and increasingly comfortable in this atmosphere. And though I'm intensely aware that tomorrow's start to classes will quickly blow this feeling out of the water, the breath I got to take before jumping off the cliff was lovely and deep enough to last me for a while. What a blessing!!

Tonight my friend Erin called to ask if I wanted to walk to class with her in the morning. Its clear I'm not the only one who's a bit apprehensive. But then again, we've got each other...and we're all about to be in the same storm-chased boat.

Please be in prayer for me tomorrow especially in the afternoon...I'm headed for Anatomy lab, and quite frankly I'm intimidated beyond belief.

Signing off as the relaxed me...and anticipating all that lies ahead...
Morgs

You know "you've arrived" when...

2009-06-12T14:00:00.003-05:00

After an inexcusable absence I return today because I hope that someone I know will stumble across this and enjoy the read. I'm a journaler at heart, and if I had the time I think I'd probably do this or a paper version every day. But I don't, and so I get behind.

Nevertheless, when I come to points in my life when significance or just the sheer weight of processable occurances surface, I feel compelled here out of some sort of obligation. Today is one of those days.

I'm officially here. I've been waiting for this week for about 6 years, and today I'm on the cusp of my PA education. Orientation is behind me, I have a dorm room for the first time in my life, I live in the suburbs, and I'm starting classes on Monday. So much has happened in the last 72 hours that I can't imagine getting all the details, but I'll bullet point the events that make me sure that I have, indeed, arrived, along with a few things that have occurred that I never expected.

~ I'm scared
The first 2 days I was on campus were filled with orientation...an event that I thought would be low key and boring. In fact, it was boring and completely overwhelming. We received no less than 50 sheets of paper each detailing rules, regulations, policies, "to do's", and etc, and with each new lecturer came another set of details to check, another warning about how much study strategies from undergrad simply wouldn't work. Each lecture should be read 3-4 times. Flashcards won't work. Note copying is a waste of time. Plan on at least 4 extra hours in the lab (on top of 6 that are scheduled weeky) if you want to pass the first practical. Our list of exams is extremely long, with many weeks in July and August hosting 3 tests a week.

~ I'm inspired
Probably the best part of orientation was getting to hear our faculty for the PA program talk about themselves, the program, and the next year. Each one, from the program director to the secretary, got to stand up and give us some words of advise after telling us something about themselves. My impression of the faculty is that they are amazing. Each told some great personal stories that had us laughing, and all seem to have a lively yet professional relationship with fellow teachers. They expressed to us how much they LOVED to practice medicines, some of the reasons that they are still excited about it, and some of the reasons they were driven to teach. In addition, they shared what their own clinical practices look like. While most only work part time now, they all have some incredibly inspirational practices. Our medical director has two kids, is a deacon in the catholic church, works 3/4 time at Midwestern, and still manages to work at least 1/2 time at the Cook County jail (the largest single-site jail in the country) alongside his wife. The program director volunteers at a cardiac pediatric clinic in the city on her "off" weekends. My adviser is an MD from India, who volunteers in an underserved medical clinic on the south side of Chicago. Another of our facutly is a PhD and MD who has worked at a city clinic for 25 years. It is almost 60% latino, and while he knows plenty of vocabulary to get through the day, this 55+ year old grandfather has decided that this summer he will become fluent in Spanish (he asked all of us to "hold his feet to the fire"). This man also leads the underserved populations club on the campus. One of our other full time professors has worked at an exclusively latino speaking clinic in downtown Chicago and is very involved in the medical spanish club and classes here. I'm telling you, sitting there in those seats that afternoon I felt like you needed a rope to keep me from floating away. I'm so thrilled not only to be so affirmed and encouraged by these people, but to be under their influence over the next three years. I'm so hoping that I can be like these people when i get older: involved in service, always doing and pursuing new things, investing in the next generation. At this point, I'm far more excited about this influence than i am about the classes.

~ I'm very certain
I've been praying about this decision for the last 2 years, and as it approached it seemed like the tangle of possibilities would never unravel into a clear path. But they did, and I recieved answers just at the right moment, with no more or less clarity than I needed. Walking in to orient that first morning, I felt a little bit like I was challenging God. "This is where I'm supposed to be?? Hope you can prove it." He did. I'm absolutely serious when I tell you that within 4 minutes of walking through the front door I got drawn into a conversation with 4 girls I'd never seen before. We walked in and sat down together durning the first lecture, and for the rest of the day we were a bit inseparable. By lunch time, one of the girls had affectionately dubbed us "The Posse" and we were acting like we'd known each other for weeks. Erin, Emily, Ally, and Danielle have been a blessing to me as I adjusted to the campus. In addition to this great blessing, I found that most of the people I met were obviously intellegent, but incredibly approachable, open, and friendly. True, it's orientation week, so everyone is going to be kind, but there is nothing like walking into a room and feeling accepted, even sought out immediately by people who are anything but competative and intellectually aloof. The final faucet to the "social affirmations" of the week was last night at the "Big/little picnic". Everyone was invited to come and eat and then find their mentor from the class above them. For some reason, my mentor didn't show up, so I ended up sitting with Erin, her new husband, and a random assortment of others. After small talk about studies and etc, one of the mentors asked if there was anything else we wanted to know. Erin's husband, Brian, piped up and mentioned that the two of them would be looking for a church. Suddenly, everyone at my table was offering advise on churches they went to, where they were, whether they were sound in teaching, and etc. I met two more Christian students, one of whom went to Taylor and knows several of my friends! This was such an incredibly affirming experience, and so exciting to consider those who can keep me on track and encouraged over the next year of "marathon". Praise the Lord!

I've been clinging to Isaiah 30:21 the past few weeks, and it has proved to me over and over again that God really does care about each little element of our lives.
"Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind them saying, 'This is the way, walk in it'"

As much fun and affirmation as I've had in the past 3 days, there are a few things that I didn't expect that have been interesting and/or comical to manage:

1) it IS possible too over pack for moving in to your dorm, even when it's a 180 sq foot single.

2) timing doesn't always work well. We get $$ for tuition from our loans on Monday, but the disembursment for food, books, supplies, and other essentials doesn't get dished out until 10 days from now. Also, our ID badges don't come in till Tuesday, but every building on campus is locked and you can't eat meals without them. hmmm....the weekend could be fun.

3) Rolls of toilet paper go a LOT slower when there is one girl in the "house" rather than 6.

4) An extra 6 inches underneath an adjustable bed can make a world of difference.

5) Dorms don't come with shower curtains.

6) I absolutely couldn't have survived the move in without my parents manual and financial assistance. Independant is definitely a false term.

7) I have a rediculous abundance of post it notes. Seriously. I don't know where they all came from. Like, I probably have 30 extra pads besides the ones on my desk. Hehhe.

8) The little 3m nail-free hooks are probably the most precious un-tapped resource in the world. Blessings on whoever invented them. :)

Well, I'm off to keep unpacking and hopefully finish decorating the room! Thanks for reading.

coasting

2009-02-11T13:12:00.004-06:00

A brief 45 minute break between classes finds me printing off sheets of work "to be done" and not wanting to do any of it. I'm exhausted.

It's a wonderful rainy day...distant thunder and steady but gentle showers have given the day a lazy feel...but its humid and temperatures are deliciously mild in comparison with the bitter cold of the last 3 weeks. Winter returns this weekend, says the weather man, but today I'm wearing flip-flops, and only mildly chilled from the soakings I receive between classes.

Still struggling to get into the groove of the semester. Some would say I'm merely coasting to the finish...and if you look at my class schedule alone that might be true. 12 credits, 2 of which are "fillers" only 1 big bio class and then physics 2. But I'm certainly filling time in other ways...and the energy that I'm giving to the things outside of college seem to be throwing off my abilities to focus and efficiently tackle my school work. It has already been an up and down semester, emotional, intense, exciting, fearful, confused. This type of coasting isn't so much about ease as it is about a lack of control. For those of you who know me well, this is the real reason I hate roller coasters. You never know what the next turn will do to your insides, and you find yourself focusing on something that's relatively unimportant when compared to the thing around the next turn.

So while life has brought grace and gifts in spades over the past 2 weeks, it has also brought struggle and unforseen challenge. I find myself drained and filled sometimes multiple times in the day. Surely God plans these ebbs and flows to remind me of my frailty along with my blessings.

(Random insert, while google searching for a picture to put on this post, I came across another blog about roller coasters...I like his phrasology:

"Life is so full of ups and downs. It’s like a rollercoaster, but where you have to eat and go to the bathroom, then die eventually. Not that those things never happen on rollercoasters."

Ok...back to the real post now)

Probably the most filling portion of my semester thus far has been the bible study on Romans that I've been leading at the house on Tuesday nights. With 10-15 bodies gathering per meeting, it's a bit too big to be coined a "small group", but I'm so grateful for the group of people, almost all of whom have had some large impact on my life over the last 3 years. I'm reminded as I was a few summers ago that in so many ways, the greatest learning comes when you try to teach. Nothing could be further from my area of expertise than the essays of Romans...yet in many ways the explanations that Paul affords to the early church are merely foundational reminders...clarifications on the "heart" of the matter, which have been overlooked under the shadow of the law and the chosen people. The bible study was started because the IV leadership (myself included) from last semester felt strongly that the upperclassmen in our group were being asked to lead rather than to study and be fed far too often. And while leadership requires faith and dependence, it's so easy to lose sight of the foundation...the anchor from which all pursuits of the spirit must rely. And so, we've come together...the most diverse group of friends I see in the same room all week long. Some are strangers to each other, some are fast friends, all are intensely dedicated to seeking out truth...hungry...begging for something besides pat answers and glossed over "Christianese". They seek out tension points, dig for truth, muddy the water, ask the real questions. It has fed me so much, first to prepare these passages and then to guide or be guided through discussions on them. Last night we had an incredibly academic discussion on Romans 3, seeking to define words we've known since we were 5: Grace. Justice. Atonement. Forbearance. Can we understand the way that the Jews began to believe that God was either merciful or just at His whim? Can we explain why his love and his nature required both? Do we appreciate the beauty of justice, which at its best results in condemnation and grace in tandem? And suddenly the sacrifice of Jesus, so perfectly atoning for the sins of all, becomes what allows God to manifest His wrath and His love in one action. Jesus allowed God to demonstrate His justice (which had always been there) in order that He would be once again be recognized by the people of the world as just, and completely holy. As such, he could also declare us not just forgiven, but justified...righteous...in total harmony with God himself. Never has the love of the Father been more real to me. If you want a good head spinning, read Romans 3: 25-28.

A major drain on the past 3 weeks has been trying to sort out the grad school issues. As of this moment I'm down to 3 schools...something I view with relief and some elements of hesitation. I'm glad that the field is finally starting to narrow, but at the same time the decision is quickly becoming real. All the traveling will come to an end this weekend, when I make my presence known at Saint Louis University. I'm expecting a great program and hoping, as always, to "wow" them. More than anything I'm praying for clarity. This weekend, I turned down Marietta University (in southeastern Ohio)...and heard from UW-Madison that unless someone drops out for personal reasons or dies I won't be going there...they have filled their class, at least for now. This leaves me with my acceptance at SIU-C, and a waiting game at Midwestern (no word yet), and SLU. I'm praying to have some sort of "final answer" by early March. As taxing as the travel, worry, and desision making can be, I'm really starting to get excited about school, about my first move "away", and about my intense year coming soon. :)

A relatively "little thing" but something that has been fun and encouraging is the Pilates class that I'm taking at the DISC 2 evenings a week. This is something that I've never done before, and something that I'm farely bad at...but it's been a great release of energy that keeps me gaining at least miniscule amounts of muscle tone and a few new friendships. The class itself is hysterical. Our teacher is a 50ish year old woman who is in shape but not a body builder by any means. She's encouraging, fun, and honest about the poses and lifts that even she can't do. Then there is the group of 6-7 women and one man in the 60+ group. They've been doing classes together for years and are constantly chatting in the left corner of the room. A few middle aged loners also wander in each night...most of whom are significantly obese but are definitely trying hard to make a change. Closer to the middle of the room are the cheerleaders and dancers. I'm not sure why they come, because most of them could do the routines that we try to do for 5 or 6 times the required length. Their thighs and abs of steel combined with rediculous flexiblity makes a workout that causes me to sweat simply a warm up for them. On the right side of the room is what I like to call the "awkward crowd". There are 2-3 twenty-something aged women and one flamboyantly gay sophmore guy. Behind them is me, and in front of them is zen woman. Zen woman is slender and short, with a long silver braid down her back and a rich slovic accent. She's soft spoken and strong, and could balance on one toenail with a leg behind her head while eating a grapefruit. Every time I see her accomplish some rediculous pose with rediculous ease I hear Brian Regan in my ear... "Place both feet in the small of your back, and BREATHE!!". The class has been challenging but a great stress reliever too...and with all the different characters in the room, something is bound to happen that is worth a good laugh.

This past weekend I spent Friday and Saturday at the Decatur Conference Center along with about 200 Intervarsity students and staff from 13 different schools around Illinois and Missouri. "Metamorphosis" is a multi-tracked conference that allows a lot of time for personal growth and reflection, but also some good time for bonding within the Millikin chapter. 15 of us went and we had a great time. I especially got to know 3 of the freshman girls that I roomed with. They were darling and kept me on my toes (and without much sleep) throught the weekend. It's a blessing to see what a wonderful class of freshman we have...some diamond in the rough leaders are ready to be polished and affirmed. God has been good to show us the capable instruments who will be doing his work long after we leave this campus. I was a part of the "After College" track, along with 4 other seniors from Millikin. Our sessions discussed everything from how to hear God when making life decisions to how to manage money and budgets, how to get involved in a local church, and how to build relationships outside of the college network. I can't synthesize all the many things that I learned right here...but I will say that one of my most meaningful moments came while we were scanning Mark 1. Jesus walks by the lake and he calls out to the sons of Zebedee, who are fishermen and mending their nets. "Come, Follow me...and I will make you fishers of men." I had been calling out for clarity all weekend about the school decisions I made Monday morning...and in that moment the Lord spoke so clearly.

This isn't about what you decide. It's not about the long term plan. It's not even about you staying "awake" so you don't miss the exit ramp. Look around you...I'm teaching you something RIGHT NOW that you'll need later. Your future depends on what you've been given to steward today...don't miss it because you're worried about tomorrow. Come, follow me. Put your feet in my footprints and don't look back. I've got a new world you've never imagined waiting for you. And even though you don't know it, I've already prepared you for what lies ahead.

How silly I am to imagine that the now of God's plan has nothing to do with the later. And what a relief to remember that God really does have control. So long as my ears are open and my heart is right with Him, I can't mess this up. Do I believe He has control? Then I believe that His power is greater than my insufficiencies. That His spirit is stronger than my sinful will. That my heart's desires are an outcropping of His purpose for my life.

I still have no clue where I'm going...but I suppose that's just the point.

Another up and down pair for this semester has been the dating coaster. 2 breakups in my periphery and one in plain view over the past week have highlighted that it is "the time" to define relationships on a level far past compatablility. While the extra ice cream and girl time that breakups create is wonderfully communal and almost fun, there's an element of all of us asking "how much more is this going to happen?" The proverbial clock seems to be ticking faster, and as everyone makes plans to move on or settle down, the next natural step is to decide to go "all in" or "fold". 2 weddings for close friends in the next 6 months remind me that many are taking the plunge and totally ready for it. But the pressure cooker isn't seeming to get any cooler. As each new ring emerges the heat seems to rise steadily.

I keep reminding myself amidst the drama, heartache, and excitement that comes from all relationships that the image of a timetable is an illusion in truth. No social standard or norm should dictate a decision if the time isn't right. And yet, it's natural to begin making decisions in tandem...and with grad school finalization right around the corner, it's hard not to lump Matt, career, school, roomate, and future home all in one decision. I've hit my fair share of questions on all of the above in the last month especially, and have come to the realization that to try to make all of these determinations at once is to try to take control of all aspects of life at the same point. Not only is it impossible, its unhealthy...and I'm gradually learning to focus on one at a time. That said, I'm certainly keeping my eyes open and listening to my heart as often as possible.

Through it all, the ups and the downs, the changes and the constants, the questions and the answers that turn into questions, this I know for sure: God is faithful today, tomorrow, and forever. As He gives and takes away, I make it my goal to praise his name forever...exclusively...in every circumstance.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

on seniority, the southwest, musical spirituality, and starting over...

2009-01-13T23:52:00.002-06:00

greetings.

all in all I'm not really a new year's resolution type of girl. Sure, I've done it from time to time...but I, like most Americans, rarely follow through because the change is scripted and duty bound. But every once in a while, when I have a few extra seconds around me to breathe and take in the scenery, I become aware of a change that I really WANT to make...something that I know will make me tick but that is not a part of my life for some reason or the other. It sounds silly, but blogging is one of those things. Over Christmas break I started realizing that the past semester has been the least introspective for me in quite a while. And I don't like it.

I used to blog, journal, or write letters to myself on a nearly daily basis...and it fed my soul in many ways....but somehow, this past semester I have slipped out of it. I'm an external processor for the most part, I think. Much of my best talking and thinking gets done in conversation, either with others or with a blank page. And while introspection as an entity is often viewed as something done in quiet and in private, I find that while journaling or praying helps illuminate certain aspects of my soul, other parts of my being are best illuminated by a more public introspection. I was telling mom the other day that some of the friends I'm closest to, the ones I open my heart to and spill out my thoughts, feelings, and understandings to, are valuable not just because we share so much but because they cause me to say aloud the things I hold true within myself. Without these closest of aquaintances, who love me for who I am no matter what, I migth never be able to see the schemas and frameworks that I hold true...and, as a result, I might never understand the ways that my actions are governed by these beliefs. I pray that I'll never reach a point where my actions and attitudes are not occasionally reconsidered under the light of scripture, introspection, and the voicing of these thoughts and feelings to those around me whom I trust and love. All this leads me to an invitation, which I suppose I always assumed but have never stated about this site. Cross me if you must, think with me if something I say catches you wrong. I believe that one of the great mysteries of the body of Christ is the way that we must be open and vulnerable before each other in order to grow most quickly towards Christ. If we are not open to each other, not willing to be inspected, crossed, changed in our intereactions, than we may never reap the fullness of the relationships that God places in our path. You may be only my distant accquaintance...and yet, I believe that my greatest failure would be to keep myself closed either from lazyness or fear.

Therefore, i'm resolved to start over...not necessarily because it's the new year but because I've been a bit convicted that I've allowed a piece of myself to get apathetic towards its growth. I write here, and in my journal because I know I must keep an occasional eye on the trend of my thought patterns and actions...and I speak to those of you who I love and trust because I know I need you to occasionally check me. And, straying from the deep and intentional reasons for dialoging with no one in particular, I write here so that some day I can look back and see what God brought me through. May his name always be glorified through my rants, records, and revalations.

Tomorrow marks the first day of my last semester of college. Yes, "spring 09" is upon us...that small little combo that I've been putting on forms and sign ups for years. I've picked out my last class schedule, done a degree audit, and I'm currently living in the last house I'll ever live in during my undergraduate years. I moved out of my parents house yesterday and after unpacking I realized it is very likely the last time that i will live there. In June, Lord willing, I'm off to grad school...and the chances of my moving back are slim to none. It never ceases to amaze me how the big things always sneak up on me while I'm paying attention to details. 2 days ago I returned from choir tour, where my seniority was emphasized at every turn. I'm a section leader, the tour mom, and the go-to-girl for my dad and the choir alike. It was a wonderful trip to the southwest, and one that reminded me of all of the wonderful things that I've been given through this group over the years. My salvation experience was literally a result of sitting in Dad's concert, and physically feeling for the first time, God tugging on my heart. Then there was the year that my Christmas gift was a little suitcase and I got to go with dad all by myself on tour as a 10 year old. Getting to sit in the dressing room with the girls before all the concerts, letting them do my makeup, and seeing their excitement as they finally walked on stage made my days full somehow. And dreaming about someday being one of them was something that occupied a great deal of my time. In the last 3 years, being in the choir has changed the way that I see life, beauty, and the purpose of my future. It's changed the way I view people, my understanding of the value of giving of your soul, and my ideas about art and truth. It's brought me closer to dad, closer to my christian friends in the group, closer to people who think totally opposite of me and who I would never have gotten to know. I'm so thankful for this body, and so heartbroken that starting tomorrow I won't be able to go to reahearsals any more. Physics 2 somehow takes precedent over finishing out the semester with the people and the activity that have been balm to my soul so many times. I'm a bit afraid about returning on tour this weekend for my last 3 concerts. There is no question that I will be a total mess. :)

And yet, in the midst of all the feelings of seniority, it has been a blessing to also experience some very distinct "newness" over the past 2-3 weeks. My relationship with TJ has reached a very different level in recent weeks, as he has entered high school I find myself looking back to see a young man more and more. And he has grown, too, in his willingness to share about his life and ask with real intuition about mine. I'm hoping that this last semester at home will be a great bonding one for us...the one that we look back on when we both have kids as the foundation for our adult relationships. Adult. That huge scary word that simply isn't far off anymore. Time to start paying attention to what will define it. Tour had some "new" as well. We went to the southwest and sang for about 25 members of dad's family in Albuquerque, many of whom had not ever heard the choir before. We sang for my grandpa, who may not see many more concerts. Dad and I got the chance to show the choir a part of the country that many had never seen...the strong mountains, beautiful mesas, and unique pueblos. Such a vibrant and diverse group of people, with a flavor in the food and the culture that is unmatched anywhere that I've ever been. And the tour was littered with more than the usual number of new friends. Three in particular became fast friends...people I've known for a while but never really deeply interacted with. And suddenly, under the sunset of my college carreer, it became clear that they still had a profound impact to make on me. Lengthy conversations, incredible caring, and a sometimes inexplicable compatability made me realize how much I still have to learn from those around me...and how even though I feel like a big fish in a small pond at the moment, I haven't learned everything I need to just yet.

One of the most interesting conversations that I got into while on tour was about the emotional and spiritual overtones that often come with great musical experiences. One of my friends was talking about our closing song, a simple prayer which has come to mean the world to me. It is strangely worded, but about as raw in confession as anything I've ever sung. Many of the kids had expressed that this was their favorite song of all...and several of us have felt the incredible emotion that stems from the beautiful poetry, and the understated but heartwrenching cadences. My friend noted that he really hadn't "given in" to this song yet...hadn't really been able to fully engage his emotions and just let the music take him where it would. And as I asked him why, he commented that it scared him to confuse emotion with such powerful spirituality. "Is it bad," he mused, "to come so close to profound love for Jesus because of a musical experience? Is there something too easy about letting raw emotion be what brings us to the point of confession? Shouldn't there be more?" Of course, the precedent for musicians letting notes become their god is well documented...and yet something in me screams that music can be used by God to draw us to him. I certainly believe that my own salvation rests on that hinge. And yet, his point is clear. There is a part of me that allows that emotion can too easily be what leads us to Christ. We can get swept away in our feelings of insufficency and our need for love, and in the moments when exhaustion and beauty meet, we follow because we really can't help ourselves. Is this how it is supposed to work? Shouldn't the love, the beauty, already exist between our souls and Christ, and the music just mimicks this and makes us joyful? Or can something like music, which I fully believe reflects the face of God, be what actually draws us out of our dry spells and back into the glorious light of his love?

No amount of angle-changing can help me to see how these untangible entities work together. But I do know that thinking it through was incredibly healthy. I don't want a spirituality that is inspired soley by music. And yet, as a person with passion for music in my heart, I believe that this type of truth will always play a strong role in my life. I pray that this instrument will only ever be a guide, however, and that I never attempt to use it as the very food of my salvation.

As a result of these musings, I've been trying to focus on the poem alone for the past few days, and I'll leave it with you now in the hopes that you might use it to set your heart at right at the end of a day in the future.

Jesu, since thou me made and bought
be thou my love and all my thought
and help that I may to the be brought
withouten thee I may do nought.

Jesu, since thou must do thy will
and nothing is that thee may let
with thy grace my heart fulfill
my love, and my liking, in thee is set.

Jesu, at thy will, I pray that I might be
All my heart fulfill, with perfect love to thee.

That I have done ill
Jesu forgive thou me
and suffer me never to spill
Jesu for pity, for pity.

amen.

fall frolicking

2008-10-03T22:28:00.002-05:00

hey everyone....

it's been a long time since I wrote...but I'm sitting on an hotel bed tired enough to sleep quite yet but a bit too tired to be social. There are 3 of us in the room and one more coming....we're chilling out and watching TV after meeting tonight at a great restaurant in town. It's Hilary's wedding weekend and after rehearsal dinner fun we are all a bit tired. But it's still fun to get to know each other and compiling blackmail on Hilary to be used down through the ages....

It's been a ridiculously hard week...I had a couple tests, a couple papers, and a couple of hum-dingers in the way of IV issues. But God is good and we got through it. This morning getting out of bed was a bit like pulling a mule through a paper towel roll...but a little caffeine and we are good to go.

Tonight driving up was so beautiful...the fields are all turning brown and yellow and red, and the sun was setting and fall was in the air like never before. I had a great talk with Laura, left a bunch of messages of other phones, and enjoyed the Caedmon's call title album about 3 times. For some reason I'm totally obsessed with them.

anyhoo, I'm headed to the wedding early tomorrow to press dresses and do hair for the bridesmaids. then tomorrow afternoon I'll head north to find Matt's high schoolers marching band competition. Then we are headed to DeKalb for a night to hang out and attend the 5th Annual DeKalb Kite Festival. hehe....it will be awesome.

well, we're getting tired here so I'll call it a night....

Visual Evidence

2008-08-27T11:08:00.004-05:00

I've been waiting to get pictures up here for more than a month now...and I'll wait no more!! Here's a few of my favorite shots and a slide show that I made of my experiences. Come and see me in another month or so and hopefully I'll have a book with prints in it. :)This is Maggie, the owner of the bed and breakfast that we stayed in. She's a colorful Belgian woman who's late husband was a missionary to this area for 30 years. Dr. Matt (our internal med Doc) is with her.

Our accommodations at "Blue Sky" bed and breakfast...2 people to a room with real beds, electricity, and a privative version of running water...we were in the RITZ

View of the Indian ocean from the porch of my cottage. Try not to drool. God gave us a wonderful gift when He put us in such a comfortable and refreshing location.

Sorting medicines on our first morning in Kikumbala...we brought 10 suitcases of meds, supplies, and toys to give away. All the supplies were divided into 4 piles for the 4 different clinic sites we visited.

One of the many pharmacies that can be found in Kikumbala area...there is no shortage of quantity or types of medicines, and you can buy them without a prescription. But even at fractions of the cost of medicine in America, most people can't afford even simple pain killers.

Arriving to our clinic sites each morning was often overwhelming...anywhere from 50-200 people would be already waiting when we pulled up to the church. A few of our site days we had to close the doors immediately when we arrived, knowing that we would not be able to see more than the patients already in the building.
First Station in the clinic: vital signs and triage

Next stop: provider care stations. 2 doctors and 2 nurses worked individually and on teams to see patients at up to 4 stations. Here our team leader, Dr. Leanne sees a patient while educating Andrew (a med student in Kansas) about how to perform a basic "well child" physical

Many of our patients required de-worming medicines or one-time oral antibiotics. Here we administer oral parasite medicine to a 14 month old baby.

A vast majority of our patients had some form of wound that needed to be cleaned, removed, disinfected, or bandaged. Here, nurse Nancy cleanses and debreeds a diabetic ulcer on a woman's foot. Diabetes can be detrimental to the circulation of the outer extremities, so even minor infections can cause great trouble and even self-amputation, as seen in this woman's big toe.

Our oral ear-wash station. Many patients had impacted ears which increase the chance for infections and hearing loss.

After visiting providers and wound care, patients dropped their "prescriptions" at our pharmacy, where we sorted medicines and reduced large bottles into appropriate doses.

While patients waited for their prescriptions to be filled, each one was prayed with and counseled by pastors and elders of the church. Many of these conversations became gospel presentations and conversion experiences. We were thrilled to be able to provide a venue for these talks to take place and make way for lasting relationships between people and the Church.

Julia is a native from Mombassa who just finished pharmacy school in Kenya. She was an absolute Godsend, who helped to explain medication dosage and purposes to all of our patients.

This is hard work!! Taking some time off to play with children at Wema Center orphanage, where we held one of our clinic sites.

The four students (and the partners in crime) on the trip. From left to right, Rebecca (22, student from Los Angeles, anticipating Medical school in Summer 09), Lisa (21, Senior Nursing Major from South Dakota) , Me, and Andrew (21, entering medical school at KS university this August)Our team with some of our ground crew after our clinic days in Rabbai. We were served coconut milk right out of the fruit in thanks for our work there.

appraising

2008-07-22T00:19:00.002-05:00

for two weeks I've been home and I still haven't written my final update.
two weeks of catching up on sleep.
two weeks of patiently waiting for my intestines to stop doing the "hate the USA" dance.
two weeks of editing pictures in awe of what I saw.
two weeks of staring at pieces of notebook paper and writing nothing.

Being a girl who normally thrives on busyness and activity, I've been strangely reclusive and quiet of late. I find myself sitting around and just being...leaving voice mails (which I usually listen to at the first avaliable moment) for hours and even days without listening to them. I'm so happy to be home. Glad to see familiar faces and hear the stories of what life was while I was gone. Glad to get back to a hot shower and water pressure. Glad to hand out trinkets and souvineirs from my trip, telling stories of the strange places I found them.

But something in me is certainly not yet settled. The culture shock has been more subtle than I expected but it's definitely there. So much of everything around me seems foreign and in little ways it wears me down. Driving for the first week was very strange, and I found myself subconciously driving 10 or 15 miles under the speed limit across large stretches of highway. All the rooms are sealed from the outdoors completely...no wind blowing in under the eaves, no sound of trees and ocean coming into my bedroom. The food comes in packages and the fruit doesn't fall off of the trees. My phone keeps ringing and I can't seem to really TALK to anyone...not because they aren't listening but just because I can't seem to put a full sentance together and still have it mean anything.

I've had happy reunions with many good friends over the last few days, and the smiles and hugs and questions are all welcome and warm...but I'm still learning how to respond and trying to push myself to engage the fellowship to be had around me.

My heart is still there.

Looking back on the trip there's no way, really, to appraise its value. No way to sum up in a few words what it did for me. No way to truly know what it did for others. I want to be able to say that what we did there had real value...lasting meaning...an impact that will have eternal consequences. But I don't know.

All told we saw 2,003 patients. Who knows how many prescriptions we wrote or how many hours we spent in the matatu. When we ran out of medicines, many of us gave away all the advil and tums that we had brought along for ourselves. We left clothing, gifts, and e-mails there. We brought gifts and pictures and some body weight back. But none of that means anything. It's just numbers and calculations.

As feelings of insufficiency and questions of value creep in around me I wonder if I somehow missed my purpose there. I feel in some ways like I never really got to KNOW my roommate...like I didn't ask all the right questions and didn't give the right kind of support. I feel like I should have been able to give more to the patients. More time...more love...more hope. I feel like I should have been able to give more than band-aids and hugs. I feel like I spent so much time analyzing God that at some times I may have missed his presence there.

And I have to keep reminding myself that all of the frustration that I feel--for the work "undone" and the surface only faintly scratched--is really because of a greater feeling that something DID happen there. It wasn't just a trip...it wasn't just a life experience...it wasn't just a chance to learn a new language and hang out with people who have darker skin. Something was working there under the surface. Something that I thought I understood but really had never fully seen. And while we were there, somewhere along the line, I saw deep in the ocean a small part of a shadow...a vast, dark, beautiful shadow moving through the water. And the glimpse was enough to convince me that I might never be able to view even the shadow in full. It was scary and depressing and awe inspiring and joyous all at once. And through the days as I caught little hints of the shadow here and there I began to believe in it more and more.

There were days that I could not explain the joy that I felt. There were days that my fatigue seemed to be the only thing to occupy my mind. There were days that my heart was so broken for the people we turned away at the door that I almost resented the people who had made it to the doctors. So much of my trip was learning that my heart is not aware of where the shadow is going...how or why it moves...how it guides me. And while the logistics and specifics of this trip could not have run more smoothly, the mental and emotional side of it was messy and unpredictable. Nothing about the way that my heart was stirred or my mind was confused could have been expained to me beforehand. Even now, I can't quite explain it to myself.

My team leader, Leanne, who has become something of a hero to me, was careful to show us a key scipture during our last few days on site. It comes from Paul's final letter to the Corinthians.

"Because we understand our fearful responsibility to the Lord, we work hard to persuade others...for Christ's love compells us. Since we believe that Christ died for all we also believe that we have died to our old life. He died of everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them...theis means that anyone who beliongs to Christ has become a new person. The Old life is gone, and a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to Him. For God was in Chist, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people's sins against them. And He gave US this wonderful message of reconciliation. So we are Christ's ambassadors."
(II Corinthians 5)

Our leader was careful to emphasize that the success or excitement or fulfillment of a medical mission is not about how much we love people or about how much we love God, but about how much God loves us. About how He sent His son into the world so that we could be taken over by his love and beomce the face of His fogiveness to the world. what and incredible privillege and what a great mystery...that a soft thing like love could control and compell us--causing me to finally become significant. But first I must be dead...completely willing to be controlled...a living sacrifice.

As we shared communion in the pitch dark out on the beach, Leanne brought us a loaf of bread and some shot glasses full of apple juice. "This is Christ's Body...broken for YOU for the forgiveness of sins" ...for the sharing of the message of reconciliation. For the giving of the joy of freedom. For the invitation to a life on an altar. For the preparing of a place in heaven. For the experience of a compelled life on earth.

Oh God, forgive me for my pride as I headed into my trip expecting and praying to change and impact people as a result of my great love for them and for Him. There is NOTHING that my love can do for others. But oh...to be compelled. To be a part of that message. To be swept away by the beauty of the story so often that my life has to follow. That is a life worth living...worth sharing...worth dying for every day.

My heart aches and my eyes fill up again as a piece of the shadow once again becomes visible. I will no longer ask for miracles, or ask to see how my life fits into the greater scene. I'll only ask to keep seeing glimpses of His love...and to keep seeing my value in the way that he compells me to love. I pray that somehow I will keep this mystery fresh every day...keep seeking out that great love that gave up everything for me.

In the next few days I'll put some pictures up and perhaps post a copy of the presentation I'm giving to my church. Until then please pray for clarity and peace as I continue to re-adjust to life here. Thank you all for your unending prayers and support.

May the God of love compell you...

appreciating

2008-06-29T08:19:00.002-05:00

today appreciation is the thing that stands out...

appreciation that the 80 year old mother of our team leader who fell in a store the other day broke only her arm and not her hip.

appreciation that today we sat in a service of a house church...it meets in an open air shack and has about 8 people in membership thus far (they are a little less than a year old). They preach the gospel face forward and are strong in both spirit and truth. Their worship lasted 30 minutes and ended with a bi-lingual version of "Amazing Grace" and "How great thou art" that reduced me to tears.

appreciation that I have had some time to kick back, read, and catch up on sleep the past two days...which have both refreshed me and renewed a fresh energy and passion for the coming days.

After our grueling days in Rabai (where we saw 310 patients on the last day alone) we were ready for a few days at the orphanage. These work days were shorter, the patients smaller, and the population generally healthier. It was wonderful to return to our housing before dark and have some energy for a card game or a devotional or a chat in the evening after dinner.

A few nights ago I found myself on the beach very late at night with my teammates Matt (a internal med doctor) and Andrew (a med student from Kansas city). We watched the stars in awe, admiring a completely new hemisphere that blended perfectly with some familiar constalations usually on the opposite horizon in the northern hemisphere. Matt is a buff and pointed out Scorpio and the southern cross (stop drooling, Dad...) and we also saw a meteor shower. As we walked along to get away from the lights, the moon began to rise over the Indian Ocean...as sight that definitely made my top 5 "life beauty moments"...it was absolutely breathtaking. We stood in silence and watched if for a full 30 minutes, and finally, after feeling our human frailty in full form, returned to the cabins for sleep.

Tonight our host is throwing a big party with authentic African food and lots of decorations. It will be open to the public but we will be honored guests. The people here are the warmest and kindest I've ever met. We can't deserve their hospitality.

The bus is leaving in 3 minutes, so I must scoot...more soon.

Please pray for us this week as we have 5 straight days of work in 2 different sights, both of which will have high populations and pretty sick people. I'm looking forward to another report next week!!

Love and miss you all,
morgs

adjusting

2008-06-26T03:45:00.003-05:00

Greetings from Kikumbala.

It is Thursday afternoon here and we are taking a free day today to recover from all of the chaos and bustle the past three days. It is a much needed break...and I enjoyed the chance to sleep in till 8:15 this morning immensely.

Everything about this culture is different and fascinating. I cannot begin to describe all the things that there are to learn and adjust to. I've picked up enough Swahili to make it through the day...though we all rely heavily on our translators. I'm also adjusting to the hygiene here. We are blessed to have running water in our 4X5 foot bathroom...a shower head that protrudes from the wall spills a very cold, very narrow stream of water almost directly over the toilet seat...which makes showering an activity better suited for a contortionist than a medical student. But, we are coming to appreciate our digs more and more as we see what this country considers "normal".

The past three days we have been in Rabai doing medical clinics. Rabai is about 40 miles from Kikumbala, where we are staying, but due to traffic and bad road ways, it usually takes us about 1.5 to 2.5 hours to get there. We make this trip in a Matatu or taxi, which is about 4 feet longer than a mini van and maybe 1.5 feet wider. Into this vehicle we cram our 10 team members, 3 interpreters, the site coordinator, and our driver...as well as water, medicine, and supplies for the day. All told, the trip is one of the more challenging forms of transport I've ever encountered. I will never complain about inadequate leg room in the states again. :)

Our days at Rabai were taxing but very good. We did the clinics in an anglican church there (which was actually the first anglican church ever established in east africa...built in 1876). On our arrival each morning there were typically 80-150 people sitting in line. They were registered by locals of the village, had blood pressures taken, and then triaged as they waited to see the doctors and nurses. Our pharmacy then filled prescriptions as rapidly as possible..bagging, labeling, and pouring medications into anything that would hold them. We are giving primarily pain meds, stomach meds, antibiotics, antifungals, and de-worming or parasite treatments...but we have seen a large variety of cases. One of our doctors is an internal med guy, and the other, our team leader, is a family practice doctor. We also have an orthopaedic, an emergency, and a OR nurse (1 each) so we feel that there is a good spread of "specialty" to match the patients we are seeing.

But however prepared we come with medicines or knowledge base, I am learning that nothing ever feels like enough. And with limited supplies we often have the heartbreaking task of handing 20 multivitamins and 15 aspirin to a man who probably as chronic heart disease and a tumor. There is such immense need here and only so much that a temporary team of 10 can do. I have wrestled with this quite a bit in the past few days, especially as I hear people telling me that there is a perception among these people that those with white skin (the same as the first missionaries to the area) have the power to heal in very dramatic ways. We know that we cannot. It hurts me to feel so insufficient around these people...and to turn them away by the hundreds on the last day of the camp because supplies and time have simply run out. In a country with so much need, generosity will never be undesired, and the gift of health is a currency most cannot afford.

It has struck me often the past few days that I have always heard about the medical needs here and felt saddened that I could do nothing about it from 8,000 miles away. And yet, after our second day of clinic it struck me that I feel the same way. Here I am, right in the middle of all this need...and I still feel helpless in many ways. This, of course, is probably the point of taking a trip like this...to realize how powerless I am, and how quickly my generosity and kindess becomes stretched amongst so much need. I am praying desperately that God strips me of my own sense of sufficiency and strength and shows me my own weaknesses. He is doing so on an hourly basis and with increasing intensity.

At the same time, I also am praying that he will show me a miracle. I need to see in the midst of so much poverty and sickness that God is working through us even if my work seems to be just a band aid or a temporary help. I am impressed by the thoughtfulness of this ministry in the way that they set up the clinics. There is a huge amount of intentionality about who does what, so that everything is centered around the church. There is very little time for us to build any relationships while we are here...but the clinic is designed to bring favor to the church body in the village, so that after we leave they can continue to minister and witness to these people. In small villages so isolated from modern society...the church has much more potential to be the epicenter of the village life...providing support physically, emotionally, and spiritually. After the doctors see the patients they bring their prescriptions to the pharmacy and then move to the "spiritual care" area. Here, members from the local church are waiting to pray over the sick and talk with the poor and downtrodden. They are encouraged not to press for a conversion experience, but to be open and inquisitive into the lives of the people they meet, developing a relationship with those who are in need and beginning to show them how the love of Christ can meet their needs, and is doing so before their eyes.

I wish that my Swahili was such that I could listen to these conversations...but while I'm in the pharmacy bagging my 700th bag of multivitamins of the day, I am praying for them as well.

The pharmacy has been my main job since I've been here...in fact I have sort of become the unspoken supervisor over 2-3 other students, a translator who is a pharmacist and helps with patient education of the drugs, and our team leader's mother. This has been a great learning experience. I've also been able to tag along and shadow the family practice doctor a lot. More on her later...she is an inspirational compassionate doctor and a strong and passionate woman of God. I am so blessed to get to know her over the next week and a half.

Well...my internet bill is running up and I must move along...my e-mail has not been working well here so this may be my main form of communication...check back next week for more.

Missing home but loving it here as well...blessings,

morgan

Awakening

2008-06-21T09:18:00.002-05:00

Yes...its true...I'm still waking up from travel fog. This morning it took me a good 3 minutes to realize that the pounding on my door was from outside...that it was morning time...that the pounding was a knock from my team leader...and that I was supposed to get UP and answer it. :)

From beneath my mosquito netting and horizontal for the first time in 2 days, needless to say I was hard to arouse.

But beyond me awakening to my brain functions, I'm amazed again at how I'm awakening to the world, to myself, and to why God might have put me here as I drive around the streets of the village today. We have been taking some much needed rest...had a great team devotional this morning, dicussing God's purposes for us, then had some time to talk about how our clinics will run logistically. We then spent all morning and early afternoon sorting medicines into small packages to hand out at clinic sites. We've had a good chance to see much of what our team dynamics will be but in a more relaxed environment. On our trip there are 2 doctors, 3 nurses, a retired nurse, 4 students including me, and the mother of our team leader...who is just along to help where she can. The variety of ages (20-75??) and geographical locations in the states (California to Illinois) is really cool. I'm looking forward to knowing them better.

My roomate situation may prove to be interesting...she seems like a nice girl but has been quite stoic since we arrived...perhaps because she isn't feeling well. At any rate..pray for me on that one.

We've been well fed...the travel was quite smooth all things considered...and we've already done a lot of shopping this morning (for THE shoes...) We are happy to be here!!

Pray for us tomorrow as we connect with and worship the church that we are attending and as we prepare for our first clinic day Monday AM.

Love and miss you all...
Morgs

Bon Voyage...

2008-06-19T09:22:00.002-05:00

10 minutes or so and we'll be in the car driving...it's time to go to KENYA!

I have very little time, but wanted to pass along a bit of info while I can. I will hopefully be updating my blog a couple of times while I'm there via Internet cafe, and of course catching you up on everything on my return.

I'm a bit nervous this morning about the fact that I'm getting on a plane to go meet a bunch of strangers to do something medically related (I really don't know too many details)in a country I've never been to. This sounded fun 4 months ago...and I'm sure it will be fun in the end...but please pray for me today as I meet my team in Detroit and get to know them on the next three flights.

We will land in Mombasa sometime Mid-afternoon (US time) on Friday...then bus over to the compound where we are staying. Again, please pray for safe travel, smooth entry into the country, and a timely entrance. We are going to need our rest before we can be at all helpful to others!!

While I'm away I'm praying that God is mightily teaching me. Its always hard I think to learn while there are tons of people around...so the solitude of this trip might be exactly what He has in mind to get me alone with him and close to his heart.

Pray for the patients we encounter.
Pray for opportunities to share about our faith.
Pray for a good bond between team members.
Pray for good health for the team.
But most of all, pray that the name of God will be glorified in our work.

Love and will miss you all...
Morgan

midsummer night's eve

2008-06-08T23:36:00.003-05:00

ok...so the title is a little nuts...but it was all I could come up with.

It's been so long since I sat down to blog just because I didn't have anything better to do and wanted to clear my head a bit. Actually, I technically haven't unpacked from China yet...so that's definitely something I SHOULD be doing...but lets be honest...it's not high on the priorities list.

The past few days have been a wonderful little re-visit to life in the states. I started working at the hospital again...which was actually quite a good feeling. I also finally got to start playing catch up with everyone in my life. Saw Tina and Esther (absolutely adorable), had shopping/brunch/girlpile with Jill on two different days, grabbed a bike ride and chat with Andrew, had Mexican food with Laura, Heather, and Bethany, and even got to see Sarah Emily at church this morning. Good to be back at home as well...enjoying my larger room, being across the hall from my sis again, and the hugs from behind that TJ keeps giving out at random times. I cherish those hugs from a boy who may well go through a "too cool" stage but has not acheived it yet. He is truely growing up fast...not just in height but in intellect and humor and confidence and compassion. I look forward to getting to know him better this summer.

It has been raining here almost non-stop for the last 4-5 days...our backyard has flooded and receeded and re-flooded 2 times already...and thunderstorms are in the forecast for tomorrow. Many of our close friends are dealing with floods in their basements, and Dad has lent out the shop vac a couple times already. We are praying that the water goes down soon so that the farmers we know can get crops recovered quickly.

I've been anxiously awaiting news of the Kenya trip...tentatively scheduled for a week from Wednesday...ever since I returned from China, but in a series of events that I won't repeat I have not yet made contact with them. I assume this to mean that I am "all clear" but I must admit that even for ME (a generally non detail oriented citizen), the lack of details about this international adventure have me a bit out of sorts. I've been praying much in the last few days that God would calm my heart. I'm doing this because I have felt him calling me to go for a while...but we have spoken plainly that if this is not the right time or trip, He is to barricade me from setting foot on that plane. At this point, the fleece is still out, but I am eagerly awaiting the answer.

Tomorrow will be a fun day...I'm taking senior pictures for one of my sisters friends. I'm quite looking forward to this chance to get out in the open with a camera and try to capture something worth looking at. My sister and my subjects sister are also coming along...so it should be a fun adventure.

Well, I'm off to bed...determined to get a real nights sleep in on this night. The thunderstorms should help... :)

Blessings,
morgs

Top 10

2008-06-05T13:25:00.002-05:00

Greetings all!!
I'm finally back from China, over jet lag, and getting into the swing of summer (with all of it's work, social outings, and humidity...). We've been quite busy the last week or so getting Casey's graduation party up and going and putting together all the details of the summer months. Grandma and Grandpa were here for a few days after our return (they got to see Casey graduate, which dad and I missed) and it was lovely to see them for a few days.

I realized yesterday that I have not written here for a rediculous amount of time. So sorry to be such a slacker! There is so much to write about China, I could not possibly ever write it all down...so if you want newsy stories and lots of pictures you'll have to come talk to me in person. But I wanted to give you a flavor for the trip by giving you my "top 10" list (in order of occurance) of u-choir tour 2008.

1. Opening concert in Taichung
We were entirely unsure of what to expect on our first day there...jet lagged and awed by the sights we were seeing (from hundreds of mopeds at every intersection to characters as far as the eye could see) we clambered out of the bus to yet another meal fit for kings and an incredible welcome party. We spent the afternoon at our sister campus and sang that night for a packed house in a room that must have been 90 degrees and 85% humidity. They received us so well, and cried with us at the end of the concert. Music knows no barriers.

2. Sheldon
Sheldon was our tour guide for the first 4 or 5 days of our trip. He is a business man from Hong Kong who owns 3 houses and his own business, is a retired gemologist, and is incredibly knowledgeable about politics and history in both China and the US. But instead of looking like an impressive figure, he is a man who is small in stature and speaks only when it is needed. He believes in doing things like tour guiding to educate and draw people into the culture and people of his country. He spoke graciously about all sides of the Taiwan/China/Hong Kong confusion (ask me...it's fascinating) and was able to illustrate both the strengths and weaknesses of the country's history and present with exceptional grace and skill. He was also so personable, asking us about our lives, planting gems of wisdom everywhere he went. He helped us navigate street markets, learn about some of the characters and the language (again...ask me), find the best deals in pearl stores, and above all come to love his country. When we said goodbye to him on the 5th afternoon of our trip, we gathered around him in the airport and began to sing the doxology. Then he began to cry. And after that, there was not a dry eye around the circle. He has left an incredible impression on us all.

3. Hiking up Victoria Peak in Hong Kong
Before we entered mainland china, we spent two days in Taiwan and almost a day in Hong Kong. This little collection of 240some islands is one of the most beautiful areas I have ever seen. To me, it looks like what I imagine New Zealand to be: overly green islands covered in rain forest, with dense humidity causing clouds to pass low around the mountains. But in Hong Kong, the rainforrest is not the only inhabitant. There are 40 million people who live in this 132km square piece of property, and due to such limited space, most of them live in high rise appartment buildings. This means that the mountains flow along with forest, and are then suddenly cut through with skyscrapers. The effect is stunning and beautiful. Our only morning in Hong Kong, we took a ferry from the island we sayed on onto Hong Kong island, the main industrial district of the region. The bus climbed a steep set of switchbacks until we reached the top of Victoria Peak, which overlooks the hugely important Victoria Harbor. We hiked around and took pictures, marveling at the fact that we felt that we were in a rainforest at one minute and in New York City the next. Ask to see picutres...they are awesome.

4. Shenzen girls choir
About our 5th day on the trip, we had our second concert, which was actually a "make-up" concert thrown together with a high school girls choir. We went in hoping to inspire them to keep singing and better their skills. We came out wishing that we had sung a little better. These girls (mostly 13 and 14 years old) were absolutely stunning in tone, performance skills, musicality, vocal range, and smiles. They charmed us with tight harmonies, resonnant tone, and incredibly beautiful faces. The exchange between us certainly showed some cultural differences in music selection, but also inspired on both sides to keep looking for what different things the human voice can accomplish. After the show, our boys went backstage to change, and we girls blended with them, speaking in broken Amerineese about whatever we could find in common. One of the girls pressed close to me suddenly asked "do you guys know high school musical??" and within seconds, we were all singing, dancing, grabbing hands, and turning around the stage. Freestyle dancing broke out in the middle of the circle as they pulled us into it and we laughed and entered a sureal space together. Suddenly the corny musical songs like, "we're all in this together" seemed ultimately appropriate. When the song ended someone started singing "Sia Hamba" the african spiritual. Then another broke out "Hey Jude" and "I will Follow Him". 10 mintues later we were all still dancing and singing and completely exhausted. ...and we were all believing in the power of music to break down walls like never before. We got to share dinner with the girls and they gave us presents, took pictures, and shared their dreams with us. Two close to me wanted to be a doctor and a Chinese ambassador respectively. They are bright minds and beautiful people...I'm sure they will go far. The chance to connect with girls like this who are real people and love their country and what lies beyond it was truely a remarkable experience.

5. Visit to the Beijing silk factory
This was a very touristy thing to do, but it really was remarkable. We saw how each cuckoon from each silk moth was made of a single thread, less that 1/10th the width of a human hair. 10 of these threads are twisted together to form a single thread to use in silk garments and sheets. We also saw how mattresses are made from double cuckoons whose threads cannot be isolated. What a hugely tedious and amazing process! They had a fasion show for us to highlight some of the best clothing. It was a fun event. And when the show was finished, they asked us to get up on the runway and sing for them!! Dad chalked one up for the "wierd venues" column as we sang through some of our lighter music for a very enthusiastic group of factory workers. That's a concert I'm not likely to forget!! :)

6. Bartering for gifts at the "Silk Street" market
One of my favorite parts about China is the fact that you get to barter wherever you go. There is something truely fascinating about the fact that the buyer gets to determine the value of what he or she wants that is not only economical but fun. Especially in market places, where much of the same merchandise can be found from kiosk to kiosk, it is interesting to be in the position of authority when you are buying, and to negotiate a price that is lower than what the person next door will offer. Ironically, I think there is little else that shows capitalism more clearly than buying things in this sociallistic country. I met up with Katie Kok while we were in Beijing, and she was with me on our biggest shopping day. We made quite a team and got some great gifts to bring home.

7. Peking Duck Dinner
On our second evening in Beijing, we experienced a local "must"...the peking duck dinner. This is perhaps the most incredible meal I have ever eaten. It began as usual with spinache and celery appetizers, rice, and a few cold dishes (including duck liver) to whet our appetites. Then came some hot dishes, a bit closer to what you would think of "chinese stir fry" looking like. And finally, whole ducks were brought out between the tables and sliced quickly. The skin is kept on and is very crispy and flavorful. Upon receiving the duck on your table, very thin rice "tortillas" are used to collect a cooked sprout/duck/greens mixture as well as the duck and a special sauce that I can only describe as a sesame vinegar barbeque sauce. This is rolled together and eaten...enjoy!! We ate until we could not eat more and reveled in the flavors. I'd love to take each of you there some day for this experience!!

9. Visiting Tien Am Men square and the Forbidden City
I'm ashamed to say that I don't know nearly enough history to be prepared for a trip like this, but on this day we were able to emerse ourselves in the history of the square and the forbidden city. Everywhere in this region is covered with pictures of Mao, and his tomb sits in the middle of the square, avaliable for viewing by anyone who walks by. Vendors sell Mao watches (the second hand causes him to wave at you) and red books of Mao's wise words. The square is packed with children carrying the flag of communist china. Moving across the street into the forbidden city was even more surreal. Here, for thousands of years, the emperors were kept in quarters completely isolated from the rest of the world, in order that their authority might be highlighted for all to see. But this place also became a prison, and one that so far removed the person of power from the people, that the dynasties were ultimately overthrown by cultural revolution. Amidst incredible archetecture and beautiful courtyards, there is an ominous undertone and a warning, which I cannot do justice.

10. The Great Wall
On our final day in Beijing, we drove up out of the city to climb the great wall. It was a truely remarkable experience and one that is not for the faint of heart. We climbed for about 50 minutes to reach the top...sometimes walking, sometimes scrambling to reach high enough for the next "step" and all the time wondering, how on earth did they build this thing a couple thousand years ago??? The sights of both the surrounding mountains and the wall itself (which stretches for over 5,000 miles) is truely amazing. We enjoyed the feeling of excercise, fresh air, and conquest over such a great piece of construction extremely, and took more pictures than really should ever be allowed.

So, that gives you an idea of what we did at least. Check facebook in the next few days for at least some favorites of my pictures. There are about 800 currently, so I'm trying to narrow them down. :)

Love to you all...and come visit me if you want more story time!!

Morgs

HIV +

2008-04-08T22:14:00.004-05:00

A rare chance to breathe tonight...

Faith and I are both sitting on the living room couch together, computers in our laps and random comments bouncing back and forth. SVU law and order was on until about 10 minutes ago, when good old WAND news blared on and caused a quick flick of the remote to silence it. It's a rare opportunity for us both to be sitting together, and strangely enough this is about as close as I get to social interaction with my roommates. Sad...very sad. But I take what I can get.

I'm exhausted and relishing chance to sit in one place...just for a few minutes. I haven't done that in a while.

AIDS awareness week was a huge success last week. We raised more than $800 with our small group of people to send overseas, but also to go to a summer camp for kids with AIDS up in Minnesota. Spent a lot of time during the week talking with people about needs. Needs of AIDS patients who are often in poverty and hopelessness. Needs of all people who feel the same holes in their innermost parts and can't fill them try as they may. Our chapter did some straight out evangelism in conjunction with the week, and saw a real window opening to proclaim Jesus as a relevant answer to the struggles that we all find ourselves in the middle of. But we also saw a window opening in our own hearts as we pondered Jesus' interactions with the poor, the oppressed, and the diseased. As a christian, you can't learn about an AIDS patient, who experiences so much physical pain, emotional hunger, and social rejection, without relating their struggles to those of the leapers in bible days. And where was Jesus during those times?? Right beside them. Seeing their needs as people rather than their faults and brokenness...identifying in them the areas that he could fill and giving them new life and hope and direction.

We heard a speaker on a video talking about the many coffin bearers that the AIDS epidemic has trained. In Africa where the conditions are most severe, coffin makers are the wealthiest people in the villages, and family members carry their relatives one by one to the grave. The man in the video talked about the importance of developing palate bearers, who will bring the sick and the hurting to the foot of the cross...who will point to the only one that can fill, heal, and truly love. When you look at the human heart, the truth is that we are all diseased. What the AIDS patient cannot hide many of us can and do. But Jesus longs to reach out and touch those needs...to expose what we have learned to hide away to avoid social rejection...to heal what we are afraid to show those in our churches and families. We cannot preach that an AIDS patient will be healed if they choose to follow Jesus, but we can proclaim that the soul of every man born on earth is diseased, and that those wounds are ones that Jesus will heal.

We had several people on campus make decisions to follow that healer, that filler of needs, that giver of unconditional love this week. It is amazing to take steps of faith and open spiritual dialogs only to find that rather than doing the work, you can sit down in front row seats to watch what God is already at work doing. We pray that the openness that God has brought in the few hearts we got to know will continue and that we all might be changed internally to follow this great love which cares so deeply for every human need.

With the week over, I focussed once more on my millipede testing project, and finally completed phase 1 on Sunday night. Wondrous to have two HUGE projects over in the same weekend!! Last night's near-all-nighter put me over the edge sleep wise, but did help me finish my Neurobiology research paper, which I finally turned in this morning.

I suddenly feel like I have time to breathe again. Time to look at lightning as it flashes through the windows tonight and to get some basic "life maintenance" things done around the house (which I have been ignoring for far too long). My "list" for now is as follows:

~ SLEEP (my brain has been extremely slow moving these last few hours)
~ clean my room (it's desperate folks)
~ get back on a regular eating, working out, and quiet time schedule
~ vacuum my room
~ clean the kitchen floor and my bathroom in the house
~ do this weeks laundry (oh...and last week's laundry too I guess)
~ catch up with Casey who seems to have lots of stories of senioritis that I haven't listened well to in a while
~ call the hospital to see if I still have a job this summer
~ listen to TJ's speech (i missed the competition but I still need to hear it)
~ start getting details ironed out for my China trip
~ catch up on my class work
~ balance my checkbook
~ keep praising God for all He's brought me through these past few weeks

At the end of our AIDS week big event last week all of the Intervarsity kids gathered in a circle as the crowd dispursed and prayed joyously in thanksgiving for all that we had been a part of. A spontaneous version of the doxology broke out...and the words which are so simple have been in my head ever since.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him, All creatures here below
Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
Amen

As we take the time to praise Him, we must never forget that those on high are already singing praises around his throne day and night, crying "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lamb who sits upon the throne!!"

May our hearts beckon us to participate in the joyous chorus more often...
Praise the Lord!!!!

let there be GREEN!!!

2008-04-02T14:40:00.003-05:00

It surprises me every spring how somewhere in the surry of the days of late march I forget to look around me....and then one day, all of the sudden, the green begins to jump out at me from everywhere...as thought God had just flipped on a light switch that allowed our eyes to see a brand new color.

Today was that day for me.

I'm not sure why, but the grass suddenly looked alive...a brilliant color of green. It's not as tall as it will be soon, but its height is just enought to overcome the drab browns that have dominated the landscape for the last 4 months...

amazing!!

The brilliant blue sky doesn't hurt either...

spring time just might be here....

:)

The Story

2008-03-22T17:21:00.002-05:00

Saturday morning…11:15am…still in bed.

My brain keeps screaming at me that it’s time to go be productive…must study for the GRE and get more vocab words under my belt…must head to the lab and shock some millipedes before lunch…must write thank you notes, plan out the rest of my catch up dates with friends, do laundry, clean my room.

But I’m not going to. I’ve been racing all week and my spring break has felt a lot like a “spring busy” thus far. Different kinds of busy, but busy none the less. It’s time for a contemplation morning.

I slept in and then started looking at photo albums from senior year…taking a little jaunt back through prom, senior trip, and graduation. It’s starting to feel like very long ago indeed that the drama and decisions of that era were occupying my brain, and yet most days in my head I’m still no older than 17. Interesting how our bodies and lives continue to change despite the fact that we still feel inexperienced and unready to face what is ahead. Perhaps for me it is because I seem to spend an amazing amount of time learning the same lessons over and over again. Se la vi.

Fernando Ortega accompanies my brain power this morning with his fabulous hymns CD…one that will be a lifetime favorite methinks. Something about the construction and delivery of a timeless hymn can teach me so much about my faith…whether because they are handed down from saints generations ago or because the words carry so much meat or because the simplicities of their melodies and the depth of their harmonies allow the church to bind together across a vast span of persons. I remember teasing Andrew back in high school for his resolution to read the hymnal like a devotional each day…and then the shock that I experienced when I tried it for myself one day. There are some golden nuggets of truth in both theology and life experience hidden in those pages.

This week has been a good one despite it’s crazy schedule…midterms were quite hardcore and though I think they ended out pretty well I had a lot of catching up to do on sleep and was landed with a nasty cold this past weekend. Matt came home to help celebrate my birthday with roomies, family, and friends….21 is an impossible age for me to be at…thus far I’ve chosen mostly to ignore the fact that I’m well on my way to being an adult. However, my friends and I did go out to celebrate with a little alcohol and some movies and food. I’m privileged to have friends who want nothing more than tons of fun and the bond of friends who will be there whether you’re grouchy and tired or in perfect form. Good times.

Friday morning we said goodbye to Faith, who spent the week in Alabama with her parents and grandparents…she asked me to accompany her a while back, and while I would have loved to do so, I quickly realized that I had a larger priority, one that did not include beaches or carefree days.

The millipede project I’m working on is an effort to see how much millipedes (and their small brains and simple neural ganglion) are capable of learning. There is a new push in the scientific area to build some “invertebrate models” about learning and general brain capabilities of animals at very low forms. The thinking is that the more we know about what can be done with small structures in the brain, the greater chance we will have of understanding the physiological process of memory and learning. It’s incredibly complicated and fascinating…so I can use this logic to transform the boring work into something a bit more heroic sounding…

…or at least I can try…

Despite my best efforts to feel like I’m accomplishing something for the greater scientific good, it’s hard to keep this attitude when I spend my days lifting millipedes in and out of a foam box, giving them pep talks when they won’t move one direction or the other and shocking them when they will. SOME people (I won’t mention any names) seem to see this as cruel and heartless. Apparently my project seems to hint at many distasteful past acts similar to the holocaust and, in the midst of this appaling injustice, is also pointless and unnecessary. So while I hold high the banner of scientific inquiry and ward off these jabs at the project which will dominate the next 5-8 months of my life, I continue to think of myself as an educator of sorts…benevolently imparting wisdom both to my fellow scientists and to the small, helpless creatures who are my subjects in training.

I have 20 millipedes each in two test groups…and I have found that due to the slow movement of many many legs, it takes about 1.5 hours per millipede to perform the 15 consecutive trials. All told, I am basically working a full time job or more without being paid…but at least I am getting to do this all without the hustle and bustle of classes to block the progress.

Midterms are a thing of the past now, but studying has not ceased…my Kaplan study guides for the GRE came in just in time for spring break so I’ve been brushing up on verbal skills especially this week. Somehow I had myself convinced that this test would be so similar to the SAT that I’d hardly need to study….but quick review of the reading comprehension and vocab sections of the test have informed me that I very well will have to do some hard core study sessions before I take the test (hopefully in June). I am getting excited, and a little weirded out, however, by the coming of the next step, and by the prospect of preparing applications (and hopefully interviews) for REAL school…which will finally propel me into real life.

And then there is a large part of me that reminds me how dumb I am not to consider my life right at this very moment “real”…how the way I live through classes and midterms and millipedes and sisters moving to college really does determine what my “real life” looks like far more than the school that I attend in two years and whether or not I ever get married and if I’m the best PA in town. Today is the day that I have been given to live…and I’d better get to it now rather than waiting, worrying, or wishing about the future.

It’s Easter again, and though it is supposed to snow tomorrow morning I’m extremely excited about the service, the friends, and the food that will fill our day. Yesterday was our good Friday service at church and I was so captured again by the depth of the story of God’s intervention in our lives. It’s not just Christ, not just creation, not just the paradoxes seen in the bible, not just the mystery of the spirit, not just the awesome power of the miracles and the resurrection, not just the prophets who predicted the savior’s coming, not just the way Jesus relates most closely to the hurt and the broken. It is the depth, the angles, and somehow the simplicity of the story of redemption…the plan of man to create, purchase, and return all men to himself again for his glory…an honor so huge and so complex and so overarching that we could never comprehend it in our human form. It’s the workings of love, grace, truth, beauty, humility, pain, suffering, death, life, bondage, freedom, and victory all meshing together in a tapestry that fills to many dimensions of space to count.

As much as I love my dad’s genius for music and sound, I think my favorite part of watching him do a church service or a choir concert is his total fascination with the Story. Without ever verbalizing it, he has taught me that this is one of the most central places where we can see our faith become real, true, and meaningful. He’s obsessed. I’ve learned so much from him about the way that God works, not because he understands it all, but because he doesn’t. Yet he returns to the same story every year, multiple times, with narration and drama and words and song…trying to flesh out one specific part of the story…once facet….one dimension. For 35 years he's been designing church services and choir concerts around the same exact plot. He always jokes with the choir at vespers time because he finds himself preaching little sermons on the podium, then laughing to himself and saying “I guess you know this…it’s the same story every year.” And yet he returns to it. We all do. Because it doesn’t run dry if we keep telling it.

The Story doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t “work out” like a fairy tale or a fable. It’s a story of desperate love, ravaging anger, a creation gone bad, a pursuit that is relentless, a fight against the final enemy of every man on earth: not a person but death itself.

The Story isn’t linear. It doesn’t work chronologically, and while God has revealed the “ending” we still don’t know or grasp many parts of the “middle”, let alone the ending.

The Story is timeless…it includes us and other men that haven’t even lived yet…and somehow it is complete but still being written. And the story goes on in our own lives, but in a bigger sense it is carried out through the universe, breaking through barriers of time, space, and intellect.

The Story is chaotic. It doesn’t flow well and it certainly isn’t the most efficient way to an end. The characters get messy and stay messy…they don’t find the secret formula that lets them live a perfect life toward the end. They kill people and have affairs and are still called “men after God’s own heart”, or they do everything right and live seemingly perfect lives and yet get torn apart by Jesus himself.

The Story seems contradictory. Especially when it comes to Jesus, there’s enough paradoxes between words and deeds to make your head spin. He says that he has come to fulfill Moses’s law, the ten commandments –things like “don’t commit adultery” and “don’t steal”. But he comes to the house of a filthy tax collector and he hangs out with prostitutes and lets them touch him and cry with him.

The Story is told in words but can’t be summarized by them. As much as you want to say that the story can be put into 4 bullet points, and that we can comprehend salvation in a quick 3 paragraph essay (knowledge of the savior, accepting the savior, forgiven by the savior), sometimes the best way to understand the story is not to explain it at all. When you start to summarize and categorize and prioritize, the situation looks confusing and the plot loses its interest and you start to think whoever wrote this thing must be completely crazy.

The Story is mysterious. As much as we’d love to be able to summarize the story and hand it to everyone we know so that the world could know God, on some level the story must be accepted and experienced and lived before it can begin to be appreciated. And the truth is that once we start trying too hard to understand it’s intricacies we loose all sense of its mystery and somehow feel no need to live it any more. When it becomes a text book or a HOW TO: list or a set of rules or even a novel with simple rising action, climax, and resolution, we lose hold of the heart of the story and all we leave with are words. The potency of the gospel is lost as soon as we make it a formula (read Donald Miller for more on this…he’s got me thinking like crazy these last few weeks).

The Story is personal. I’m struck more and more by this as I get older and realize that all the big words we learned in Sunday school and memorized in AWANA really do apply. Words like GRACE and REDEMPTION aren’t just put there to summarize…they are essential to the process of salvation and to the way that we understand our relationship to God. The ginormous proportions of the Story don’t keep it from being applicable to our lives, even our individual days. This truth is truly astounding.

Those thoughts only touch the brink of the depth of the story…and I’m truly grateful for another Easter to immerse myself a bit more in its complex simplicity. May we all take the time to live the story this holiday, and to revel like children in the marvel of the best story ever heard.

prayers please

2008-03-11T00:37:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year again...almost spring break (amazingly) and so many details to attend to it makes my head spin. I'd appreciate prayers for the following if you think of it:

1) Neurobiology midterm...my grade on the first test was not so hot...actually icy cold...so I'm feeling a lot of pressure to do well. It's moderately humorous how as I study the details of the brain and nervous system mine seem to be shutting down and oozing out my ears. ...moderately humorous....

2) AIDS week details...for those of you who haven't heard, our IV chapter is doing a huge social justice week focused on AIDS which will incorporate education, fund raising, and evangelism. I'm president/staff worker for IV this semester so much of the weight of the project rests on my shoulders. The event is 2 weeks away if you knock out spring break...so I'm starting to get scared that all the details will pass me by. Pray for enough sanity to remember everything and enough faith to keep trusting that God will take our service and make it something worthwhile.

3) Research project....I'm nailing down details (and ordering millipedes) for my independent research project this week...I'll do the first phase of testing over spring break if all goes well. I'm praying that it will all run smoothly so that my next semester at Millikin isn't too bottlenecked. It seems silly to be this worked up about shocking millipedes...but my advisers already want to publish my work, so it needs to be of considerable quality. Again...attention to details on a fried brain is absolutely necessary.

the next 72 hours should be a whirlwind...two tests on thursday should put me over the biggest of the "humps" for this week. until then, prayers please...

baby days

2008-02-26T16:59:00.002-06:00

There seems to be a wonderful overflow of new little ones the past 3 days...first Zach and Tina delivered little Esther Ann....then my cousins delivered Noah Taylor. Praise the Lord for two healthy deliveries and quickly recovering mommies...

Hard to believe that people I spent most of high school with suddenly have a child. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly life can change and how in the "blink of an eye" our priorities and careers and goals and dreams can shift.

Funny how these little people, represented as just a "bump" on momma's belly for so many months, so quickly reveal themselves to be whole people, albeit rasin-like and very tiny. I'll never forget the delivery that I got to watch while shadowing Dennis a few summers ago. After watching just the tail end of the labor procedure I finally saw the tiny head, watched the mother strain, the daddy look a bit faint and grip her hand and look into her eyes more deeply. I saw the nurses check the monitors once more waiting for the final contractions and the biggest "Push!!". And suddenly there before us all was a crying writhing human being, blinking back the light and flailing in the air and not all to pleased to be out of the warmth of the womb. Though I did not no this woman or her family at all, I found my eyes dumping rapid tears along with the rest of the family. This is truly one of the great miracles of life.

Prayers head to both new families as the process of growth continues and the personality, soul, and mind of the young ones are slowly revealed. Hallelujah for God's new creation...and the new life that inspires, challenges, and brings so much joy.

....as a dog....

2008-02-24T18:09:00.003-06:00

Sick. Bleh. Sick sick. sick as a dog.

It started with flu on Wednesday evening...my family had been passing it around so it's not all that surprising. I was on the couch with a fever and aches until Saturday morning...and felt great until about Saturday evening, when a headache came on and left sinus pressure, sore throat, and (somehow) fever again in it's wake.

I'm told that really the immune system is only as strong as your mind tells it that it is...thus the best way to stay well is to decide that you, simply, DON'T get sick.

apparently my mind over matter skills suck.

However obnoxious it is to be battling the germs again, it couldn't have happened at a better time. I fell sick just after Matt left on Wednesday morning and since I was spending Thursday-Saturday at home (mom and dad were out of town so the siblings hung out) I got to spend the sick days on the couch along with my sister who was in similar shape. We watched a lot of TV but also got quite a bit of talking about college life and such in. Good times.

I'm still in reflection of the fabulous weekend I had a week ago (already?). My trip to DeKalb was another instance of "perfect timing"...After a week of slamming books and taking multiple tests, I was able to shed my coat of constant stress, completely ignore school for a few days, and enjoy the freedom of a road trip, the joy of seeing Matt after a month's absence, and the unpredictable fun of living in someone else's life for a weekend. Met lots of friends, played lots of video games and cards, went to his church, and praised God on many occasions for the protection that he and his friends had during the shootings on Thursday evening. The tone of the campus was very solemn though not defeated, and it was wonderful to be at his church that sunday morning, where many plans were already in motion for the formation of care packages for administration, police, and fire departments. They were also undertaking a grief councelling training class for the church body, so that upon arrival of the students today they could be involved in some hands on healing ministries. Good to see the body of Christ working so quickly and broadly to help. In a more lighthearted turn of events, Matt was able to come home for a few days because their classes were canceled for the remainder of the week. This meant that we got to spend a bit more time together between my classes on Monday and Tuesday.

This weekend Mom and Dad got to get away to Michigan and hobnob with the "choir gurus" (sp??). It is the first time my dad has gotten to be away and relax in quite a good while and he looked quite refreshed on coming home. For those of you who hadn't heard, Dad has spent the last several months considering a job change to Baylor university in Texas...after several rounds of interviews, they offered him the position which threw our family in to a tailspin as far as discerning the will of God. After much praying and discussing with Millikin folks, Dad made the decision to stay put, seeing some new windows in the MU program and potential growth in some related events to be appealing and right for now. We're praising God for the clarity he gave us and the way we learned to trust Him through the brush with potential changes. It's funny how we often forget how stubborn we are until we are asked to surrender something we consider immovable. A great reminder...and an interesting process to go through as a family.

All told, we feel quite relieved not to be house hunting and packing up in the next few months...and yet we see quite a few changes on the horizon regardless. Life is like that...and I'm glad. It'd be boring otherwise.

Well, I've a proposal to write and some GRE prep vocabulary to study. ...as well as final work on my newest undertaking, my millipede research experiment, which will take place over spring break. No, I'm not going to the beach with Faith as invited...you can find me holed up with lots of legs and some electrical shocking plates. Exciting. Oh well, it will be good to get it out of the way without the regular stresses of school.

Challenged this morning about my dependency on God's word this morning with a familiar passage:

"For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable. So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 5: 12-16

May we be exposed by His word and transformed by His spirit, and may we accept His grace with a heat postured in complete vulnerability to Him.

Blessings...

friday at last

2008-02-08T15:17:00.000-06:00

Friday afternoon...my lightest day by far in the week....and finally some time on the horizon. Well...a bit... :)

Just got back from a long work out at the DISC to Brad Paisley and Mae...my routine workout buddies...wonderfully rigourous workout, which will probably prove to make getting out of bed a bit more difficult in the morning. Oh well. I'm ready to get back into shape...it's definitely been too long.

My hair is still drying from my shower and I'm waiting for Faith to get home so we can go grocery shopping. I have absolutely no food in the house (besides 4 cans of tuna, which you are only supposed to eat once a week), so it's a must today. I'm also previewing a new album just finished by a friend of mine from choir...she's got a great pop/rock voice and some pretty impressive sounds aided by some guitar playing buddies and a good studio master. I don't think these kids have any clue how lucky they are to be able to use the caliber of studio we have here at MU for personal projects...they have to do things in the middle of the night but it's still awesome.

Last night I got to see a very different part of the "music world" at Millikin...the opera folk put on the "HMS Pinnafore", a classic Gilbert and Sullivan performed in our cozy little theater. They had us rolling much of the time, while somehow still admiring their sheer talent. It's so fun to watch those types of shows and to see the actors let themselves run through the channel of a character who often shares some striking similarities with their every day person.

Anyhoo...this weekend will be spent mainly studying for the three tests that come next week (Anatomy and Phys, Lifespan psychology, and Neurobiology...the later of which will be a bear...) as well as hopefully working a bit more on my CASPA application and my summer plans.

I'm trying to come up with a good medical missions trip to take for 3-4 weeks this summer and have been putting a lot of "feelers" out all over the place, getting in touch with friends of my uncle (who did medical missions translations for 15 years in south America), random missions organizations, and even a professor here at MU. I'm really praying that God will put me where he wants me and also give me the opportunity to serve in a capacity that really enlivens me. From my perspective that screams "MEDICAL!", but knowing the God I serve who loves to surprise me, I could end up anywhere....

This weekend is also Millikin Vocal Fest...those of you who remember it from high school may well also remember some happy memories we made there, including but not limited to salsa chugging, sitting next to jewish people, and naptime in the lobby. I'm looking forward to helping "direct traffic" and get everyone checked in, as well as singing with U-choir on one of the concerts.

I'm trying to keep my head to the grindstone these next few days while anticipating a trip to DeKalb next weekend...it will be wonderful to get to see Matt and roomies, while taking a bit of a break after a week that I'm sure will be full of late nights and hand cramps. Yay for road trips!!

Blessings on your own weekends and may you find some time to refresh and feed yourselves. I'm learning that I am only able to give what I allow myself to receive, unless of course I try to give of my very self which tends to burn me out...

Happy Friday!!

the coming rain....

2008-02-04T22:53:00.000-06:00

stormy night.

I couldn't be happier. We got a huge snowstorm (with snow day included) last thursday, and today was the strangest weather day I've seen in forever. The day was much warmer than it has been for a while...in the 50's most of the day, but the entire city (and much of the state) was covered in a fog so dense that you could literally feel droplets hit your face as you walked through it. It was almost like being in a fine mist sprinkler (like the ones at amusement parks) all day long. The combination of on and off showers, as well as the melting snow, reduced many of the roads to mere channels for the mass of water to run through...the walks to and from class were interesting to say the least, especially since some of the sidewalks were still (unexplainably) icy.

But tonight, though the fog continues, the strange silence is broken by flashes of lightening distorted by the fog, and distant thunder which is ominous, but as of yet has not produced much rain. Ah weather...it never ceases to keep us on our toes here in Illinois, and never stops reminding me of how "little" my life really is in comparison to the cosmos and the great swirling masses of clouds at the fingertips of our maker.

It's been a busy last week, even with the snow day, and the tests are looming just around the corner. Anatomy and Phys comes first, with both a lab and a lecture exam...then Neurobiology comes next week. Vocal festival is also this weekend, and I am in charge of a team for this event. In addition, lots of stuff is going on with Intervarsity, and as we approach the middle of February I'm reminded often that I must put faith solely in God, for I will never be able to accomplish even a limited version of our chapter's vision for the semester without all his power working through my weakness. Please pray for us as we are working to put up a "social justice" week focusing on the AIDS crisis in early April. With "logistical details" as my weakest character trait, I'm naturally a bit scared of all I might forget to do. Thank goodness for a dedicated and Christ centered team full of ideas, conviction, and motivation.

Last night I began the scary process of filling out information on CASPA (the Central Application Service for Physician's Assistants). This process basically involves vomitting your "life accomplishments" in school/community/employment/honors onto several web pages and waiting for the scores from the GRE (to be taken in the early summer) and then sending the whole batch to any number of schools. Scary to be looking at this full in the face...and so exciting too. It never ceases to amaze me that as God brings me through life, I find points of "comfort" that are quickly eliminated by "next steps". I suppose that is what all of growth is...having finally become accustomed to one level, we are challenged by the next...and should we chose to ignore the challenge, we will face a different one down the road or be forever doomed to "sameness".

This past week I placed myself in a "holding pattern", taking a few days void of technology and social extras and even some close friends for the purpose of giving my soul some time to be restored. I have been running frenetically for so many months that I feel I have really put off some necessary personal time. Everything from personal devotions to intimate friendships to overall life perspective to sleeping habits have suffered in the process. And while the amazing infrastructure of friends around me have kept me from totally crashing and burning...I have found myself exceptionally drained and without a lot of purpose. Not good for a president of a christian organization on campus...not good for a pre-med student...not good for finding good reasons to get out of bed in the morning. My "monastic" period (I use the term loosely because it wasn't nearly that disciplined but did have that general feel) was used to do a ton of reading, sleeping, journaling, and just being quiet...re-learning the value of solitude and seeking out a reminder of the identity that I have that is not of this earth. I was challenged so much about the way that I love and relate to people, and the way that these relationships are hopeless if I don't understand my own identity (both strengths and needs) and view my soul on a level with every other human being in the world. I read through several books, but chiefly "searching for God knows what", another Donald Miller must read that had me really grappling with some foundational truths about myself, my motivations, and my source for self-worth. How can I ever expect to make a difference in the lives of others if I am so out of touch with my own struggles??? And as a self-appointed "fixer" of all problems I can see, how do I expect to help people out of the despair and struggle of life without a sense of their deeper heart issues and the essential needs of their souls???

So much of my life I have spent learning the formulas and the "Christianese"...but we serve a God who SHOWED us how to reach people...not through bullet points but through acceptance...not through a "get together to feel safe" club, but through a vulnerability and openness that penetrated into the societies that seemed polar to the religious groups. Its not surprising that we as Christians feel a need for security and attempt to find it in those around us, but it IS surprising that we continue to go back to this fragile source of acceptance when we should know in our hearts that it can come....was only meant to come...from one source.

Anyhoo, these and so many other thoughts and wonderings have been coursing through my mind these past few days, and as I attempt to add "real life" back into the equation, I'm asking God to keep them fresh in my mind, and keep speaking to my soul. He has been so faithful to meet me where I am, along with the doubts and questions and unresolved fears that, I am learning, may never be truly answered as I seek a God I cannot see and a faith that is certain of what it hopes for. I have stopped asking God to "get me there" and merely begun asking that he would keep me pointed towards the goal, working out my salvation with fear and trembling.

The semester goes on, and in light of these recent thoughts seems a bit inconsequential. And yet, they are the small mountains that God has placed in front of me at present. I desire to use them to glorify him.

A stormy night, and the thunder only grows louder. Yet, the sun will rise again tomorrow and the day that dawns may be all the more beautiful for the storm.

let the storm break...let the rains fall...let the faith within me be challenged...let me break in my own weakness...and let his grace shine all the brighter with the coming day.

it starts...

2008-01-22T15:57:00.000-06:00

I should be doing ______ (approximately 12 possible insertions are available here) right now...but I need to get my mind empty so I'm sitting down to write instead. So sue me.

We are back into the second week of classes here and now in full swing. The past 3 weeks of life have been mostly busses and concerts as we swung around the midwest for choir tour. We returned only for 4 days of class last week and hit the road again this weekend. Many lovely concerts and a great time with friends and family along the way. Several "long lost" cousins on my mom's side met with us unexpectedly in Missouri, Zach and Tina drove up to Topeka, Matt came to see two concerts in Madison, and Laura (who I knew I was going to get to see for a short time) surprised me by bringing Beth and Cassie along to see us in Chicago. These last three were a special joy as we got a "girls night" that has been a LONG time coming and which we somehow missed over Christmas break. We had so much fun laughing till all hours in a local IHOP and then cramming 4 people into Laura's dorm single. Much giggling, chatting, facebook stalking, and chocolate eating, reminiscent of many such events in junior high and high school. Such a joy to have such amazing friends.

Returning to campus and staring at the semester straight in the face has been a challenge. It will be a hefty one to be sure. On top of a normal class load, I am the President of Intervarsity starting this semester, and will be a TA for a large freshman bio lab. Our review sessions for my graduate entrance exam (the GRE) start this weekend, and I MUST begin working on PA school applications by late this spring. With the choir's china tour and a yet unplanned missions trip looming in the summer future, I've got quite a bit on the horizon.

However, I have been doing my best to "let things go" this past week, and have dropped out of voice lessons and turned down some research teams and a panel for a conference here on campus. Never have I hated the word, "NO" more....and never have I realized so quickly in a semester how vitally important it is.

Last week was excellent in the "New Classes" department, and though surely overwhelming I was quite blown away by the stuff I'm learning and how amazing it is. Sitting in my Anatomy and Physiology class last week a girl next to me leaned over and asked how on earth people can look at something like the heart, with it's ornate valves, perfect rhythm, complicated electricity, and (honestly) strange and globular appearance, and think "oh, I bet that basic staple of human life appeared in perfect form just by chance." I couldn't agree more. I'm more and more an advocate of the power of evolution to preserve lines of organisms in amazing circumstances, but I will never understand how a person can look at the intricacies of the body and not see the need for some sort of order or command at "the beginning". I don't pretend to understand how the genisis account meshes with the scientific "truth", but I'm pretty sure that if God wanted us to know all that he would have written it down.

At any rate (sorry for the bunny trail), anatomy fascinates me, and I have loved jumping right into the cardiovascular system, as I hear all these words on the cardiac floor at the hospital, but often don't know exactly what they mean. Did you know that the heart has a small dent in the right atrium that is called the fossa ovalis?? This little "bubble" is a remnant from the foramen ovalae--a small tube that is present only in the heart of a developing embryo. This tube acts as a bridge between the right and left atria of the heart, allowing the blood to move through the heart without passing through the pulmonary circuit (the path the blood follows to the lungs in order to be oxygenated). This is fortunate, because the lungs of an embryo are not developed fully until a few hours after the baby is born. If blood were pressured into the lungs as they were developing they would never grow properly, but without a heartbeat, the brain could not survive, and the nervous system (which is one of the first systems to begin developing) would never grow before the other systems blocked it's path. However, once the baby is born, it is vital that the lungs begin receiving blood very soon after birth, so that the lungs can fully expand and receive enough oxygen into each part of the bronchial tree. The foramen ovalae closes within hours of birth and relies on the pulmonary circuit to take over.

amazing.

I've never been so excited about a class and thrilled at all I will learn. Yes, it will be lots of memory and organization and pulling out my hair because I can't remember all the 30+ parts of the heart we have to know. But I will have a constant reminder of the beautiful care our maker formed us with and of the awesome identity that we have in his ownership.

In other news, Casey turns 18 this weekend and is still on the hunt for the "perfect college"...she has been accepted several places and is still waiting for a lot of details to fall into place before making a choice. TJ too will be choosing a high school (???!!!) later this semester. I'm looking forward to a trip to DeKalb sometime next month and hopefully some good times with my roommates, a couple of whom are brand new.

Please pray for me as I attempt to balance time, and especially as I attempt to lead a group of wonderful people and help to encourage them to follow God's will for our campus ministry. There are so many moments that I feel so unworthy and unable to provide an ounce of wisdom or spiritual truth to those who are looking up to me. I'm only praying that God will be the one to speak strongly and that my role would be somewhat similar to the guy in ratattouli...an eager puppet in the master chef's hands.

Blessings on you all as you start a new semester....

Christmas Time is Here...

2008-01-15T00:26:00.000-06:00

Greetings All...

After a very long absence, I return to you to post a blog I wrote a few weeks ago during our family vacation in Albuquerque. With all the driving back and forth ending in a flurry of "New Year" and tour rehearsal, I never got it posted before running off to Kansas and Wisconsin on a tour bus. At any rate, this post should catch you up to date on my late December weeks...come back soon for a bit of more recent news...

December 24^th, 2007

My family drove for 21 of 36 hours yesterday in order to arrive in Albuquerque in time. We have been planning this trip for months and anticipating both the joys it would bring and the energy that it would require. From what we can remember, it has been about 4 years since the family was down here, and about 7 since we last spent a Christmas here.

In order to understand what “here” really means, I must explain a bit about my family tree. My dad’s family is quite complex and large. His mother (Beatrice) has a twin sister (Bernice)…and the sisters have lived within 30 miles of each other for their entire lives. A majority of those lives have actually been lived within one block…and sometimes right next door. The result is that my father actually has two mothers…indeed he as often joked he was spanked, fed, raised, and encouraged almost equally by both. While he only has one brother and one sister, he has 6 first cousins (whom he really counts as siblings). Since Bea and Bee (often named “the killer B’s”) are married, and they now carry the name “Holmes” and “Holmen”, the family tree is comprised of 9 children and two sets of parents who have a last name only one letter apart. One other sibling of the B’s adds a set of cousins that were a bit less close to the family in geography but just as integral. The result is a family tree worthy of the story books.

Dad’s stories from childhood are hilarious and wonderful. He relates many tall tales of adventure in which the 7 boys (only 1 girl in each family…poor things) ran over the ditchbanks with bikes, horses, and scooters…wreaking havoc on all and bringing fun to everyone. They never really had to worry about being accepted because they were related to their friends. So foreign to me...

We kids hear these stories and marvel. We have only 8 first cousins on both sides of the family total…and neither of them live closer than 20 hours from us. On mom’s side they are a full 10 years younger than us, and on Dad’s side, they are mostly older. We get extra “cousins” however, thanks to the killer B’s, who are actually dad’s cousin’s offspring. Confusing.

Since our last visit out here 4 of these cousins have been married, and one has a new baby. In addition, one of dad’s cousin/siblings is married and pregnant. Our 11 hour drive on Monday ended literally in the driveway of the annual Holmes/Holmen clan Christmas Party, and before we had our sea legs yet, we were surrounded by an ocean of family members. Most were incredibly gracious to us, cuing us with the names of the new offspring and spouses. It took a good 5 minutes to even recognize our cousins after a 5-8 year absence, but after the preliminary hellos we picked right up where we left off. It was amazing to sit around discussing college plans and graduation for the high school kids, watching the “young” cousins play piano and drums and the “old” cuddle and introduce new wives. Great fun to pick up with a new set of people and re-intersect our lives.

The family Christmas eve party always begins with food, and plenty of it. The relatives are well cultured in authentic southwestern cuisine and many amazing spices and tastes met us. We enjoyed special beverages from the Dominican Republic, furnished by our first cousins who live there and laughed and talked and enjoyed the company.

Next, comes the “talent” portion of the evening…traditionally a somewhat painful experience in which every family is required to bring a “gift” to the king in the form of a musical presentation or poem. The killer B’s have a fettish for these types of presentations, which are often demanded rather forcefully. However, when all the groaning stops and the group of almost 60 settles in a crowded living room, the frustration dissolves and the true meaning of family comes out. Back in the days, when my dad was young, the twins forced the family to form the “rinky dink band” which always performed Christmas carols at the party. Any child old enough to hold an instrument could play jingle bells on it, they assumed, and the kids all tell stories of being forced to practice and play regardless of talent or desire. But somehow through the “torture” many of the kids came out with great musical instincts and, more importantly, a sense of what it means to share as a family. Here it doesn’t matter what you bring, or to what level of perfection, but the fact that you are willing to bring at all. The presentation, we quickly realize, has nothing to do with talent but with vulnerability and a willingness to submit your “gift” to applause and laughter alike in order to glorify the king and edify the family.

Members of the New and improved Rinky Dink Band play, with dad as the director...

Many of the grandchildren played instruments as others shared pictures from vacations and missions trips. Multigenerational bands played songs written by one of my cousins and several of the uncles re-formed the rinky dink…dusting off old trombones and trumpets and begging their mouths to put forth the muscles to get through the song. The matriarchal B’s looked on with contented smiles, even though they sometimes lacked the hearing necessary to pick up all the performances over the dull roar of children, eating, and “peanut gallery” conversations. This is the greatest gift we could have given to them…and indeed, as the evening wore on and the laughter increased, we were all blessed with a more genuine definition of “Christmas spirit”.

At the end of the talents, the uncles and aunts produce gifts galore for many or all of the cousins, pouring love and affection as quickly as money and gifts. The cousins our age demanded cell phone numbers from us and promises for game nights and movies later in the week. Ahhhh…this is being “home” for the holidays.

We traveled next in a smaller group to the plaza at Old town. Albuquerque was originally little more than a trading town and its center is rustic and beautiful. An adobe style church stands at the center of the square, and tonight the plaza is also decorated with luminarias. For those of you in the Midwest, luminarias are probably quite foreign. But here, they are a common practice for all who call themselves “authentic” residents of New Mexico. Small paper bags are folded down on top and filled about 1 inch full of sand, and placed along sidewalks, driveways, roof tops, fences, and walls. On Christmas eve, just before dusk, a lit candle is dropped into each back, illuminating the bag and the walls that they adorn. While the plaza has a bit too many lights to enjoy the view fully, some of the older subdivisions in the city encourage everyone for blocks to participate in the night’s splendor, and street lights and headlights are banned for the purposes of ambience. My dad tells a story of he and his “brothers” starting up a family business in their neighborhood by setting up, lighting, and tearing down hundreds of these lanterns in 10-12 neighbor’s yards on Christmas eve. While incredibly labor intensive, the sight and spirit produced is well worth it. We re-visited this old neighborhood and found the tradition continued well…an incredibly peaceful and beautiful sight.

Luminarias lighting the darkened streets of "old town"

By 1:30 (actually 2:30 illinois time) we finally bid goodnight to our relatives and traveled wearily home to sleep at last. Something tells me Christmas morning may not be quite so early this year…I hope so…

December 25^th, 2007

This morning was a great affair…it started late enough that we could keep our eyes open and lasted well into the afternoon. We opened gifts with my grandparents and my aunt (who’s house we are staying in) and enjoyed a great breakfast as well. Plenty of coffee and Christmas music around made for a great morning.

My grandparents enjoying Christmas morning...

This afternoon we ventured up into the mountains to visit dad’s brother and his wife. They are from Louisiana but have rented a house up in the foothills so that they can host their large crowd. Brandon, their eldest son, will not be in until tomorrow…he was married on the 23^rd and is enjoying some down time before meeting up with the family. Ian was engaged about 2 weeks ago, and we got to meet his fiancé today. Natasha and her husband, Adrell, (who currently live in the Dominican Republic) were also there, with their ADORABLE 2 year old son Christopher in tow. He absolutely stole the show last night (during everyone else’s performances he could be seen strutting/dancing/smiling around the room) and continues to melt our hearts today. Dad’s brother and his wife are among the best hosts I’ve ever met and kept everyone going strong with food, conversation, and laughter despite the crowd of people. Spicy foods and strong coffee were again a huge necessity.

The beautiful , feisty ham...our darling little Christopher...

The gang played a game of “turbo cranium” after the fiancée and her family left and we enjoyed many laughs as we attempted to spell backwards and sculpt “tounge in cheek” out of clay. Good times. We return to the house tonight rather weary and looking forward to a more relaxed day tomorrow.

Turbo Cranium with the gang...

December 29^th, 2007

Yesterday we had a little reunion with the Holmen “cousins” who are closer to us in age than our real cousins. They took us to lunch at the favorite pizza place and showed us around the town, ending in a hike by the Rio Grande river…which, though chilly, was excellent fun.

A view of the wintertime Rio Grande...

Us with the Holmen "cousins"...

It is interesting to be nearing adulthood and seeing suddenly the ways that WE must initiate the relationship with these distant but dear relatives if we want them to continue. In the past, these meetings have been a product of our parent’s congregations and we merely tagged along, stared awkwardly for a few minutes, then settled down to having the time of our lives together. Now that we can drive, plan, buy our own food, and etc, we are more in charge of making this fun happen…and it did.

It is also interesting, however, to re-enter the family as a “grown up” and suddenly be privy to conversations that we never noticed or were never allowed to hear before. Family dynamics are strong in every family of this size, but it is interesting to hear things about the parents of these cousins and then go and form very basic and foundational relationships for them for one afternoon every 5 years. Much thought begins to churn in me as I consider my individual future, and the future relationships of my offspring. What will they think of my family as we come home for the holidays…and when they become aware of broader “family issues” how will it effect the way that they interact? Interesting…

My aunt has been eternally patient with the comings and goings of all of the family…hosting within an inch of her life and driving out to see my grandparents and uncle often. She still insisted on taking casey and I shopping the day after Christmas...waiting in the lines with us and helping me battle my lack of fashion savvy all while spoiling us rotten. Great to have some good girl time together. About 20 members of the family met up at ihop after this shopping to spend some of the gift cards handed out by my great aunt and uncle.

This morning the entire family re-convened for a final breakfast before we leave tomorrow. It seemed impossible that all 40 could fit in my aunt’s 3 bedroom house, but we did and loved it. A few of the brothers had transferred all the old home videos (originally on 8mm tapes) to DVD and we enjoyed almost an hour of silent moving pictures of our parents. It was so fun to watch everyone through a 30-50 year time warp and see the siblings playing, fishing, camping, throwing tantrums, having snowball fights, and etc. We see pictures often but rarely get a glimpse at the personalities behind the shots. Watching dad strut around in little overalls, many times we referred to him as little christopher’s role model. Indeed, it was almost frightening how many times we saw ourselves in the spotted movies.

We took several large group photos, knowing that it may be the last time we are all together for a great many years. Who knows, even, how many more Christmases my grandparents will be here on earth for. But watching them hold their great grandson for a photo shoot and smile like none other was enough to tell me without a doubt that death in this case will not be a sad affair. These dear old saints have given so much of their lives to the preservation and improvement of a romping clan, which is now leaving its large and variegated mark on the world one person at a time. The legacy they leave will not be without failure and disappointment and even rejection of the faith that has been handed down…but they have done so much to show us what belonging and family and unconditional love looks like, we can’t help but thank them with as many hugs as we can give.3 generations of the Holmes/Holmen "Babes"...see the "killer B's" in left center...

4 generations of the Holmes Clan...

Tonight we played Farkel and Texas Hold Em well into the night, enjoying snacks and laughter and trying to put off the inevitable departure tomorrow. Hard to believe that this 5 day party has sped by so quickly but here we are. I myself am ready for a bit of “self” and “immediate family” time for a few days. Today and tomorrow we travel, ending in a yet unplanned but sure to be fun new year’s party with some of the church people. 2 days later I’ll hit rehearsal camp, and 4 days later I’ll climb on the tour bus to DRIVE some more. …oh for a bit more time on solid ground…

For now, I’ll take my tired self to bed and hope to be rid of this cold I’ve contracted sometime soon. Merry Christmas to all, and a blessed new year…

A brief review

2007-11-12T23:00:00.000-06:00

Getting late and a paper waits...but I just finished a shorter one about 5 minutes ago, so let's call this a "reward". Pathetic perhaps, but interestingly accurate. I find nothing more soothing to the soul than a bit of journaling...for other's eyes or not.

Good day...much rain put my jeans in the "not wet but constantly soggy" category. Not as much fun as could be desired...but hey...schmedibluh. Awesome choir rehearsal (if you aren't planning on attending Vespers...start planning) and a good day of meetings and connections. Got to see Zach and Tina (and yet un-gendered papoose) for a brief little meeting of cards over blizzards and a bit of catch up. They seem to be adjusting well to their new army life, though I'm sure it will take some getting used to. Also had an IV team meeting (one of the last of this semester) and took some time to catch up with a few roomies. Yay for not being tunnel visioned with homework at least once a week or so. Not enough, but I'm working on it.

(Morning Coffee by Bill Cantos playing...out of context at the moment but awesome jazz and witty lyrics nevertheless)

This past weekend was a busy one, with IV Friday night and an IV staff exploration (aka, "any chance you want to come on full time IV staff after you graduate??") day. Said meeting was held in champaign, and Holly and I drove up together (and got quite turned around in the neighborhood of Green street and 6th avenue). The day itself was very interesting, as the thought of pondering anything but "the plan" in my future life is a bit scarier than I originally thought. However, regardless of whether I ever even seriously consider this option, it was a great time of prayer, personal reflection, and bible studies focusing on God's calling on and plan for my life. Great reminder of how often I plan because I know I should or because I want to and not because I am being attentive to the voice behind me. Indeed, I've been thinking much more about how "every plan is a tiny prayer to 'father time'" (as death cab put it...so close to entirely accurately).

I've been greatly challenged by some passages in Isaiah and the Psalms to that end lately, both at the conference and in a conversation with Dennis and Donna a few weekends ago. God is constantly reminding me to trust him lately...reminding me that as I look back on my past and ponder my future I'm not at all alone...reminding me that often the choices that I will make will not be nearly as crucial as the attitude and position of submissiveness that I must put myself in to truly walk in His way.

Hard to imagine that while He has a plan for me, His glory cannot be thwarted by my inability to chose correctly if my heart is truly in His hands. May it be so...I trust my ability to chose rightly and without ulterior motives about a negative eleventeen.

Yet He keeps encouraging...quieting...drawing...and making it quite clear that I am not the least bit in control.

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. ....The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare."
Psalm 25

"'Woe to the obstinate children,' declares the LORD, 'to those who carry out plans that are not mine, forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit, heaping sin upon sin. These are rebellious people, deceitful children, children unwilling to listen to the LORD's instruction. They say to the seers, "See no more visions!" and to the prophets, "Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions. Leave this way, get off this path, and stop confronting us with the Holy One of Israel!"

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill." Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30

Such amazing words...as bring joy to me like nothing else. I do not deserve such compassion, love, and care...not by a mile, not by a galaxy, not by all the soybeans in Decatur. Wow.

And speaking of Decatur...here I am again...and reward time is over.
thanks for letting me review

Paper...you've met your match

~~ Savory ~~

2007-11-07T20:44:00.000-06:00

There's something about fall that was made to savor
I've been doing so often of late

Walking through the day with my eyes on the sky and not on my feet...in another few months I'll be on the lookout for ice...but now I'm on the lookout for which tree's hue looks best against brilliant blue.

Sipping hot coffee while it's steaming and begging me to stretch my fingers as far as they'll go around the mug and tuck my toes into the ends of the long legs of my sweatpants.

Feeling the breezes blow harder in corridors made by the buildings on campus...then escaping to a less chilly sheltered spot before ducking indoors.

Observing the little maple tree on my way in the back door. Chuckling a little at it's impressive stature of 7 feet...and shaking my head in amazement at the brilliance and quantity of pigment that are seen in every last one of it's junior sized leaves.

Staying up late on the phone to wait until my toes lose that "cold sheets like permafrost" feeling and finally settle into their cozy cocoon for the night.

Finally beginning to really contemplate "the papers" that must be completed before Thanksgiving break...and wondering how long it will take me to begin actually writing them.

Heading to the balcony for the few minutes that I can stand the temperature at night to ponder the stars, which are made ever clearer by the crisp cold.

Coming home after a long day and turning a boring can of soup into something piping hot and delicious with the help of a pot, a flame, and a bit of Italian seasoning and garlic salt.

Eating carmeled apples with friends and family over a good long chat.

Seeing the roomates congregate in the main parts of the house more than normal because other places get dark quicker and the cold seems to seep in less when there are friends around.

Enjoying the rosy flush that hits my cheeks after a good walk home from class...enough to get my heart rate up but never enough to raise the temperature of my skin.

Calling my mom and talking about plans for Thanksgiving guests...including the cleaning projects and the making of "the rolls". Punch, green beans, and THE famous mashed potatoes will also follow.

Watching kids on campus hold out on wearing a coat for as long as possible, replacing said "winter items" with hoodies, scarves, hats, shirts several layers deep, and bulky sweaters which appear toasty until they meet the piercing wind.

Heading to vespers rehearsal and trying to imagine what the songs will sound like once we finally pack Kirkland and file in under the lights. What it will feel like to pour our souls out to the audience with tidings of great joy to kick off the Christmas season. What it will feel like to pray for the soul of the person next to me, and wonder if they have any real comprehension of the joy and purpose and freedom that can be found in the very words that they are singing.

Aromas, tastes, sensations, friends, dreams, longings, freedom, joy, beauty, life, change.

Fall was made...
and savor I shall

The Train

2007-11-02T17:36:00.000-05:00

Friday afternoon...near dusk and a crisp breeze setting in from the north. It's gonna be a chilly weekend.

I'm sitting in the computer lab just prior to running over to the chapel on campus to set up for IV large group. Seems like not ten minutes ago I was setting up for last week. Then again that feels like an eternity ago. For the first weekend in a few Matt's not down which is a bit sad but also probably good for both of our productivity levels. Mom and I and Casey travel to St. Louis tomorrow for a girl's day with Donna...something that hasn't happened in a good couple of years. Very excited to see her/them for a short time at least and get some time away from school. I'm definitely becoming tunnel visioned a bit as I battle through the onslaught of tests, papers, labs, and annotated bibliographies that have been my week in simplified form. Frustrated that I rarely find myself on the couch downstairs with my roomies just vegging for a few minutes because I'm afraid if I sat down I'd get up again sometime the next day.

Time seems to very much be slipping away. Somehow it's Vespers season already and as I watch the blur of the weeks go by I'm more and more aware of large changes on the horizon which are suddenly getting larger rather than staying a bulky and distant thing to view. I'm fascinated that sometimes the best way to keep your mind on the present is to throw yourself into the here-and-now as much as possible. But that is also the best way to end up far down a stretch of road that you don't remember traveling and much closer to the impending decisions, landmarks, and life stages.

I have the pleasure of watching a few good friends who are entering real transition states and watching them do it first. Jill is half way through her first year of teaching and thriving in her position but good at sharing temporary insecurities about being an "inbetween" college kid and adult. Holly will start student teaching next semester and is processing words like "graduation" with increasing fluency. Hillary is preparing to graduate next month and is looking to find her first real job and get married within the year. My academic mentor is gone....graduated and off to grad school and all that lies beyond. Chelsea and Alan are preparing to tie the knot in a matter of weeks. Andrea and Aaron are entering the medical field "for real" in their own ways. And behind me things keep changing too. Casey is college hunting and applicating at every spare minute. TJ is looking at high schools. Christmas has been designated as an "all family" event on my dad's side, with every cousin and brother that the "supertwins" (his mother and aunt) provided him and their offspring making an appearance. Both the twins and their spouses are getting up there in years and though in excellent health overall are experiencing their first real brushes with serious health complications. Though no one will say it, everyone knows that this is potentially the last time the whole family will be together. Hard to fathom. In my mind they are still as young and energetic as they are in my mom's wedding album...certainly "older" but never frail. Never gone.

As I observe the many significant people in my life I'm struck by the presence of a supportive "swirl" of people...who touch me and meaningfully change me as one small droplet in a larger brush stroke. And while they may not know where the next part of the stroke will take them it seems that time is going fast enough that I can watch it happen. I can see their stories in lines and pathways rather than individual chapters.

It's a beautiful view, really. A reminder of the direction and story that accompanies the day to day choices and opinions and tasks and frustrations and relationships and impressions and efforts and joys and blessings. It's just that somehow, when I was younger, I had an impression that life was safe because it was small...controlled...understandable. And while I always longed for adventure and conquest and great acts of courage I always knew that the things in my life were, mostly, constant. There are always parts of life that throw you curve balls, but ultimately my life has been steady and even...privilleged and free...happy and warm and inviting.

And it is....it still is. But suddenly the things that I always aspired to are beginning to make me feel trapped...not in something that I don't wish to do but in a mode of living, a pace of life that I'm not used to living. It's just like it was in second grade. The hill always looks inviting to the ambitious bike rider, but it's not until half way down that you realize that the stakes just got higher...a fall will hurt more, the road might be bumpier, and who knows whether you'll ever make it back to the top. The adventure of the fall is fun, and all that lies beyond "charted boundaries" calls us, but upon arriving we realize just how much we don't know and how much we took for granted back home.

I'm looking for grad schools...something I've wanted to do for longer than I can remember. I'm taking classes that are applicable and I love them...my passion is there, my excitement is there, my desire to help people is there, my love for the new and different is there...but I can't shake a feeling that when I jump I'll never come back. And I can't stop a warning sign in the back of my mind that says "Jump if you dare" from slowing my step just a bit as I approach the edge of the cliff. It looks awesome down there. But so does the rear-view mirror.

And while I ask for more time to make better decisions and to think through things more thouroughly I know that the circumstances won't change for staying longer. I'm not any less inclined now to jump than I ever will be...and I'll be better fit for the journey below if I can get there a bit sooner. And there's no time like the present. And God will meet me there. And it's all about faith. And we have the best road map we'll ever need. And God is faithful. And good things come to those who take a chance. And if you shoot for the moon and fall short you'll at least hit the stars.

But the swirl returns and sweeps away the cliches and the obvious answers and leaves only a few things remaining.

God has called me.
God has prepared me.
God desires glory.
I have that ability.

I will go.

And before I do I will take the time to truly appreciate this golden plateau, which for all its hardships and frustrations has trained and nurtured and developed me without me even noticing. It has primed the brush for my first real strokes; cleaned the gears of the engine; set a course for the first parts of my journey.

They are ready and waiting...but I am not. I still have some time to enjoy the stationary and to revel in the parts that are mundane without allowing them to quench a higher passion. I will. I must.

I'm so scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young.
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say
that life has just begun.

Had a talk with my old man.
Said, "Help me understand."
He said, "Turn 68...you'll renegotiate.
Don't stop this train, don't for a minute change the place you're in.
Don't every think that I don't understand. I've tried my hand.
Quite honestly, we'll never stop this train."

Once in a while when it's good, it'll feel like it should.
And they're there, and they're all safe and sound.
And you'll never know what you've missed till you cry
as you're driving away in the dark singing

stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again
I can't stop this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train.

John Mayer

counting

2007-10-15T22:10:00.001-05:00

it was a day for counting blessings....not just because there were many but because God put me in a mindset to notice them. praise the lord. Today blessings are not just about a happy feeling, they are about a realization of how little I truely deserve, how insignificant I really am, and how completely and utterly significant I am because of a bridegroom who loves me despite my unfaithfulness.

Tonight I'm thankful because...

~ My studying is paying off in decent grades and, more importantly, learning that really means something in my target field

~ I'm approaching a much needed break

~ I have friends around me who care enough to give me space when I need it and to get in my face when I think I need space but really need connection...the good, messy connection that God places between people with genuine needs, strengths, and sins.

~ I'm bothered by injustice in new ways every day...and begining to look for ways to more actively seek its retribution

~ Its raining outside...a lot...maybe Decatur won't have to get a new lake after all

~ I am surrounded by adults who model strong marriages, friends who teach me what it means to love genuinely, and friends who feel more like family

~ my summer soybean project is drawing to a close

~ my life is filled with music

~ I am able to read and think...and to feel resonnance with truth, even in the most bizzare places

~ I get to see my Jackie dear this weekend...it's been far too long

~ My God does not love me more or less for what I do...I have His love simply by accepting it

its good to count every now and again...to remember not to take these things for granted. to remember that part of living life abundantly is taking the time to notice them.

~tuesday ramble~

2007-10-09T14:31:00.000-05:00

random time to blog

it's tuesday afternoon and I got very little sleep last night thanks to a pair of papers that had me running as though from fire tied to my own tail (think Khan in the Jungle Book). However, my Tuesday morning "no class" grace period (which has saved me more than once this semester) was incredibly productive and I have just sent them both to the printer sitting across the lab from me. One is a Biochemistry research proposal, which has seen me in the library searching databases at every spare minute the past week or so. I feel very insufficient to be proposing research that actually matters this much...after all, who am I to know what the scientific community needs??? Nevertheless, I've been sifting through page after page and article after article of past research about beta-blocker (blood-pressure lowering) medicines and have finally found what my teacher calls "a hole". And so...I'm doing it...proposing some research which has never been done before but which might actually matter in a clinical setting in the near future. Scary. Enantiomers and Carvedilol and vasodilation and alpha receptors. I won't bore you with the details, especially since I don't understand some of them... :) The second paper was a physics lab write up of even more boring content but a slightly more understandable concept. Let's hope both show the work I put in on them.

Hard to believe it's mid-October already. Celebrated Jared's home-going a few days ago and marveled at how far God has brought me and wondered why it still hurts this much after all this time. I was at a retreat two weekends ago and the speaker talked a lot about sin, which he says Christians have a warped perception of. He discussed the different types, and focused very heavily on the end result of all sin: death. And he challenged us to view death differently in light of sin...we feel it impact and cut through us because it is opposite of our calling. As we live in this world we can experience parts of Christ's kingdom thanks to his sacrifice, but until the new earth is established, some residues of sin reign supreme. Death, then, should not be something that we fear as we understand Christ's sacrifice, but it should seem out of place and even unfair. Our souls were made for the type of world which is completely saved by Christ's blood, in which sin and death have no place. Christ's victory over death has come, but until he passes final judgment on all mankind, we will not see it completely abolished. And while we can see this as frustrating, we must remember that it is out of love, and a desire to see all men come to himself that God puts us in this "here but not yet" kingdom limbo. Praise Him for his perfect timing...his perfect plan.

It's felt a bit more like summer than anything around here lately. My roomies and I finally turned the AC back on this week as temps pushed 95 again. I'm definitely ready for some hoodie weather. Stuff in the house is going well, and we're all having to learn to be patient with each other's messes. Not just physical but emotional and spiritual. Living together, you can't really get away from whatever messes you carry around with you or leave in the kitchen sink...and that's what makes the relationships good and real and whole. I'm trying hard not to get tunnel-visioned as the only non-music major (and the only one who has to "book study" with increasing frequency). I hope I'm not too self-absorbed.

Last weekend I took a 24 hour pass to DeKalb to visit Matt...my schedule (rediculous as always) did not permit any more time as I had to sing at the homecoming service with U-Choir on Sunday AM. However, we got to have a fun little patch of time together and with a bunch of his friends. The roomate that I met is a sweet guy and they seem to have a very low stress and high fun living environment. We made brownies, enjoyed some "cheese", watched their newest tv addiction "Heroes", made french toast brunch (3 varieties....amAzing), and hung out with a bunch of his music friends. He showed me around campus and I got to see the "sacred" practice rooms and instruments with a few mini-recitals to boot. Much fun. It was rough to leave after such a short time but great to get to catch up and feel a bit more apart of his school life.

Outside of school I've been tutoring a bit and TAing a genetics lab. Both provide a bit of extra cash and a chance to share some knowledge with those a few years behind me. There's something about teaching that is extremely fulfilling to me...I love being able to see kids as they struggle with something and then finally break through into understanding. And I love thinking that maybe something I said or did helped in the process. Good stuff.

One more week and I'll be headed to Nashville on spring break to see Jackie and visit a grad school down there. So much to do before then!! Pray for me that I can take the time I need to work through some personal and InterVarsity issues in and around the school load. God is faithful and I'm learning more and more that when I'm not big enough I start to see him for the first time. May it always be so.

Blessings to you all!!

Reflection on Beauty

2007-09-21T18:23:00.000-05:00

The following is a response paper that I wrote for my global studies literature class. It is a study of feminist rhetoric, and one of our first readings was of "Diotima"...a woman quoted by socrates in the days of ancient greece. She left not record of her work personally, but her teaching on the essences of love and beatuy were quite inspiring to me. This response took on "blog tone" about half way through so I thought I'd post it here...enjoy.

It’s maybe one of the biggest problems in our society. And yet it’s one of the things that makes the world go round. Beauty is something that is valued but also abused. It is sought after but also scorned. It is desired and sometimes counterfeited. It is defined so differently by people in the world that often something called “beautiful” can look downright ugly to a person just across the street.

And perhaps, it is this defining of beauty that makes something truly beautiful so hard to find or hard to appreciate. The way that we search for beauty is sometimes in direct conflict with the way to find something or someone that is truly beautiful.
Is beauty a sensation or an emotion?
Can it be seen or must it be thought?
Is it natural or is it produced?
Is it a physical form or a spiritual condition?

Beauty is the reason that people put billions of dollars every year into the fashion industry. Yet it is also the reason that people like the Amish return to the simplest lifestyle imaginable in order to find it again. It can be seen in the face of a baby and in the eye of a storm. It is dangerous, because it can seduce us—sometimes beyond our own understanding, but it is also fulfilling and healing and sweet. Sometimes beauty is not seen at all; it jumps out at us from a page of text or it sweeps through us during a conversation with a person we esteem. But beauty always calls out more than a affirmation and demands a response; sometimes an emotion, sometimes an exclamation of praise, sometimes an interaction with the beautiful thing itself, sometimes a longing for something that we can’t even put a finger on. True beauty calls something out of us and desires a greater emotion than simple pleasure or happiness.

Sometimes a beautiful thing may be dull or shabby. Sometimes something that is very physically pleasing may not be beautiful at all. How do we tell? We can sense it. We know.

For some reason, we each have a deep seeded appreciation for beauty. I see beauty in simple things…and when these things come before my eyes or into my mind I am often caught off guard by a deep emotional connection to something much larger than myself. But sometimes when I see a very beautiful, done up, put together woman or a rich and elegant looking jewel the response is very different. I may see a pleasing image, but I don’t feel the same emotional draw and connection. My step is not lightened and my spirit is not quickened. The draw is tough to explain but it is unavoidably clear.

I love what Diotima says about seeing beauty in all different places. She says very clearly that if men spend all their time looking for a physically beautiful woman they will be very disappointed. After all, there are many beautiful people in the world, and they will soon see that she is only one of the many. She will lose her allure not because she is no longer beautiful but because she is not the only thing in the world that carries beauty with her.

So what’s the alternative?? Seek ugly people? Maybe. Maybe ugly people are more beautiful sometimes. Not because they are more pleasing to the eyes but because they bear a beauty that has nothing to do with physical appearance. We can be drawn to them without the fear of missing Beauty because we are too busy looking at a “shell.” The same goes with the beauty of logic and the beauty of community and the beauty of nature.

Diotima calls beauty, “a connection between the mortal and the spiritual.” She describes it as an overarching entity that has much more to do with a relationship between God and his people than with seeing or appreciating a beautiful article. This is a fascinating definition because it is so simple yet so easy to miss. And it tells me that beauty has nothing to do with seeing a pleasing image. It is a thing that God gave us because he wanted to tell us something about himself. He wanted to draw our spirits and show us a very small piece of his beautiful plan and purpose. He wanted to show us how much he cherishes and longs for us.

I could not agree more with Diotima’s final conclusion:
“It is only when [man] discerns beauty itself through what makes it visible that a man will be quickened with the true, and not the seeming, virtue—for it is virtue’s self that quickens him, not virtue’s semblance.”

As humans, we try so hard sometimes to find a beautiful thing that we lose perspective of the fact that beauty is its own entity. God created many beautiful people, beautiful flowers, beautiful landscapes, and beautiful animals. Humans can create beautiful art, beautiful ideas, beautiful behaviors or actions. But all of these are merely vehicles to show us a small piece of the essence of Beauty. They are meant to be enjoyed and experienced but they themselves are not the soul of beauty. I resonate with Diotima’s claim that the very soul of Beauty is the God of all, who uses its allure and pleasure to call all men to Himself. She says that if we can find this essence we will never again be completely transfixed by the vehicle of the beauty but by the beloved that is ever behind the beauty.

Do I believe this? Can I see that my spirit and my soul are enlivened by the beauty around me? Yes. Undoubtably. And yet there are days when I wonder whether I trap myself by seeking beautiful things above beauty itself. Believing that there is someone greater behind the beauty is one thing, but training my soul to yearn for the maker of the beauty instead of the portrayal of it is something I’m still learning to do.

Yet I have to believe that despite my ability to completely miss the point, God places beauty in my day to day path anyway. He knows I might end up worshiping it rather than Him, but He is willing to place it there anyway because He is so ready to show me Himself.

If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

Round 3

2007-09-18T23:17:00.001-05:00

I'm 3 and 1/2 weeks into school...and I'm already on round three. It is still SEPTEMBER, and I've had three rounds of sickness already. Amidst 70-90 degree weather and blue skies I've been carrying cold medicine and having to take naps. Weird. Round 1 consisted of a virulent head cold complete with sinus pressure, fever, and headache. 3 days after recovery, round 2 popped up, bringing some hefty coughing and overactive mucous membranes. "Recovered" again for 4 days this time, and today I contracted a very sore throat and body aches. Perhaps it was really all just one big "sick" bug...but either way it sucks. Bleh. No doubt about it, I've been thankful on logrithmic scales of late for ramen noodle soup, chai tea, and puffs with lotion.

My household is not fairing much better...between the 6 of us we had several colds, a sinus infection, bronchitus, and the flu in the past week. Campus also has a minimal number of strep cases already. What is going on??

All in all I'm frustrated but not too sick to function. Good thing too, cause the work load has been picking up the pace rapidly. For the first time in my college experience I am forced to stay completely on top of ALL of the reading for two of my science classes. No skimming suffices, and no cliff notes are avaliable (that I know of). My highlighters are getting good use, and the notecard stacks are inches thick already.

On the brighter side, I am thrilled to be learning things that are directly applicable to my medical future. Elated. Overjoyed!! So much fun to be seeing (finally) how chemical rules and interactions create clinical situations. My biochem class is eating my lunch when it comes to grades and the pending research paper...but in subject matter I couldn't be more facinated. This is where the terror that is Organic chemistry finally makes a few connections to what actually goes on in cells, DNA, and protiens. I still say that I didn't need 2 semesters of Organic to get a basis for all this, but maybe time will prove me wrong. Microbiology (that's the study of bacteria for you laymen out there) is a bit easy at the moment outside of some memorization of basic strains and shapes, but I'm sure it will pick up here soon. Physics is requiring some nearly painful scrapes of memory back to junior year of high school (and some dreaming about those days when we could "circle up" to do homework together). A chilled out and not-terribly-socially-akward teacher should make getting understanding not too difficult. :)

Out of the science building I'm in a global studies class called "Reclaiming Rhetorica...Feminist Rhetoric through the ages". It's a lesson in patience every time I walk in the room...I find it so hard to communicate with the professor because we aren't even in the same ballpark of understanding. Her entire premise is of complete equality for all types of people everwhere...including but not limited to gender, race, sexual orientation, etc. Not a bad premise I suppose from the point of view that God created all men and women in his image. But when we say that everyone is the same we are missing the point....and minimizing the beauty of individual, cultural, and gender diversity to an embarassing level. It's not that women shouldn't be given rights as human beings...it's that women were CREATED to be different...and we are robbing them of the ability to see the beauty in their differences. Good stuff for me to process...but I swear, if I hear that professor say the word "liberation" one more time I might have to start throwing my shoes or something. = )

I'm also taking voice lessons (my teacher is thrilled with all my illness as you can imagine...oh for the day when my voice will be normal again) and elbows deep into a new choir year...soo much fun to be back with all these fine musicians and anticipating a GREAT year which will end in a 12 day trip to China and Taiwan (which I have to learn to refer to as the same country before I go over there...) in May. Lots to learn and do before then, but a fun goal to look towards.

With "upperclassmen" thrust upon me like some "made in china" label, I am working through the new meanings of growing up. Lots of leadership in Intervarsity and an increased level of need for a more detail oriented personality. Also taking some leadership in choir and responsible for getting every girl some amount of fabric (preferably that covers her ankles) on her body before our first concert Saturday. This next month will also bring me to my first grad school interview/visit. I'm also being pushed towards chosing a senior research project and advisor for my honors thesis. Crazy times.

Loving the house, and enjoying having the family close enough to grab dinner with occasionally or have Casey over for a sleepover. Praise God for his insight in taking me out but leaving me close enough to help out and be helped occasionally.

Hoping that all of you are having a swimming semester...
Blessings~

Puddle day

2007-09-06T23:31:00.000-05:00

It was one of those days

A bit overwhelming and a bit stressful. Lots of work on the horizon for the weekend and my first real look at calling up a grad school and saying "can I come visit?". Crazy. That part was the gloomy part...where the humidity was a bit too much (enough to drink) and the grey clouds seemed to swallow every ounce of vivid color in the world.

But a bit exhilerating too. A great choir rehersal, a breakthrough in biochem understanding, a good Intervarsity meeting, and a good chat with mother and sister both. That part was the puddles part. The parts of the day, and of life I would wager, which we happen upon a smooth pool of reflective particles. And at that point we have a choice. Do we wallow in the mundane and the distressing? Do we notice the undying grey that even the pool itself reflects? Or do we take half a second and enjoy the little bit of pleasure we feel with a satisfying splash??

It's not a coincidence that jumping in is the messier of the two options. Walking around the puddle keeps your pants cuffs drier and your hair more curled. And taking the time on "those days" to find the puddles and optimize them takes a bit more observation. And in the same way, giving energy to "extras" on grey days of life may seem a bit frustrating at first glance. But take a few seconds, or a few more words, or a bit more time, or an extra smile, and more often than not you leave feeling a bit more inspired and enthused than you came. And though you might be one minute late for class or have forgotten to eat breakfast, you'll be more ready to face the grey.

Someone asked me how my day was tonight and I had a tough time answering..."it was a puddle day" I said...and I think they might have taken that wrong. It wasn't a grey day as much as it was a day for makind decisions...and for being willing to put forth the skipping spring that could land me in a slurping, spitting, sparkling splash.

Settling in...

2007-09-03T12:27:00.001-05:00

Still a few random posessions which haven't quite found a home
Still no pictures on the walls and too many hair products on my end table
Still trying to sort out how much "mess" will be acceptable in my new, smaller space

But it's getting close...

I moved in a little more than a week ago...I'm now living just off campus in "The Chateau"...a 3 story old house which has been well kept and has a big back yard, plenty of living space, a large kitchen, 6 bedrooms, and only 2 1/2 baths. My room overlooks the back yard on one side and the balcony (which I can access by climbing through the window) on the other. I'm also not facing any streets, which is very nice. I share the house with 5 other girls...all music majors of some kind or other and all very sweet. We've kept the place decently clean and have only struggled to find places to put all of our food.

Since I moved in I've learned:

-If the hamburger is already browned you can't put it in the skillet frozen and expect it not to burn
-Drinking a whole pot of coffee before bed really isn't a good idea
-Modesty is completely optional
-Brownies taste better when you put the eggs in
-The moon can be just as pretty in the city as out of it
-There comes a point in every laundry basket's life where the pleasure of putting it off one more day just doesn't help. On those days, like today, it's best to repeat the Nike mantra and "just do it"
-Money gets spent way faster than you realize it does
-Being a bit overly organized really does help things in the long run
-Having wireless internet is amazing...and an amazing distraction
-Eating more than 4 warm chocolate chunk cookies at a time is not a good plan
-It's easy to live in a house with 5 others and never see any of them...and it'll take intention to set this trend right

I've had lots of visitors in and out to see the house and hang out with the girls. We made cookies one night, made tacos another, watched a movie, chilled on the balcony, and even had a sleepover. It's been fun showing off my place and getting to invite people into my circle of friends. Matt came back this weekend after just a week away, which was fabulous. It was a long weekend so the house was busy and he got to be part of the chaos. Laura and her friend were also home from college for the weekend just in time for Heatherbug's 15th...we enjoyed an afternoon of boating with them and I will see them once more before they leave methinks.

Classes are going well...they will be more difficult but also much more applicable to "real life" (and by "real" I mean "more real" and by "life" I mean "grad school"). I'll have a lot of reading and a TON of study for my biochem class, but everything else looks quite manageable.

This week was NSO (new student outreach) for Intervarsity, which meant mostly that every night there was an event and follow up with new students to get to know them a bit better. We had about 65 people at our first Large Group worship service, which was phenomenal. More wonderful was the diversity of people that we met there who had very differing majors, backgrounds, and religious ideas. Exciting to see some "seekers" come and even hang out afterwards. Creating an inviting environment that isn't overwhelming but still speaks truth is difficult, and we are still working on the kinks. All in all I feel very positive about our first week and the other plans that we have coming up.

I've already contracted my first cold of the semester, leaving me achey and a bit stuffed up. Yet I'm doing my best to stay close to the tea pot and still get some stuff done. It's a beatiful fall day and I'm looking forward to enjoying some time outside. ...once I get that laundry done...

Hope all is well and that you are enjoying your new semester...Blessings,
Morgs

Family Album...I mean...vacation

2007-08-04T22:54:00.000-05:00

Driving Home

We’ll spend the better part of 13 hours on the road today as we head across the barren wasteland of Kansas with the mountains to our backs and nothing but sunflowers through the windshield. Colorado and family vacation fade into the distance behind us, where they will wait, seemingly motionless, until we return there again. This year is significant for me because it marks perhaps the last family vacation that I will be a part of for quite a while. Next summer looks busy and uncertain…filled with a trip to China with the choir, a tentative medical missions trip, and quite possibly some remaining visits to PA schools for interviews. After that, my summers will be taken up by PA school, which uses trimesters and thus eats the summer with impressive efficiency.

There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll be back to Colorado sometime…back to visit the old haunts and explore new rocks and caves and trees and burned out cabins. But my mind’s eye puts me there at least a few years down the road, in a 25 year old body which is in need of a sojourn from the chaos of medical life and returning to its roots after too long an absence. A fun image for my brain to toy with until something in the back of my mind introduces options like “husband” and “no grandparents” into the picture. No way to know what the scene will really look like, but there’s no denying that it may be quite different by then.

We spent 6 days at the James cabin (mom’s folks), two of which were quite cramped due to the addition of my Aunt (mom’s sis), Uncle, and 3 young cousins. Cameron (8), Connor (5), and Creighton (3) are as different as night and day: the sensitive spirit, the mountain man, and the class clown, respectively. Funny how much you can predict the family dynamics of their lives already. The age difference between us and them is somewhat unfortunate, especially since we hardly ever get to see them…but we each unspeakingly adopted one of the little dudes and spent the bulk of time helping them with whatever little projects happened to catch their eyes. Connor and I hit the fishing ponds early one afternoon…I expected his attention to last a full 30 minutes, but I was pleasantly surprised. After a few bites and foiled attempts, he declared “I’m gonna catch that fish…I don’t quit…” Well, ok then…I can work with this kid! J We fished for a good 2 and a half hours before that confirming jerk and splash finally lit his face. It took twice as long as it should have for his half sized pole to beach the 8 inch monster, but he did it. I have never seen such elation. It was barely long enough to keep, but nothing could have persuaded the youngster to place his catch back in the lake. He named it, carried it up to show to the parents, watched grandma clean it (and wasn’t grossed out, even when cutting off the head…again, I love this kid), and then cooked it over the fire, talking nonstop about “how happy he was that he caught a fish.” Precious, beautiful, hilarious. Watching a boy begin to pursue “being a man”…watching a cousin learn patience and reap the benefits, being a part of a memory which will long remain.

The boys and their folks spent the nights in another smaller cabin, but all meals and daytime experiences were shared in the essentially one room cabin and one bathroom. Thus, it was not too much of a traumatic experience for anyone when we left after 2 days, bringing the cabin population back to a healthy 7 people.

The remaining part of our vacation was a bit of a new experience. A distant cousin of my Dad’s has been working on a bed and breakfast in St. Elmo (another small mining community in the mountains) for the better part of 6 years. She and her husband have battled treacherous winters, Colorado’s picky zoning laws, the town’s reluctance to see a new “business” established, and are now just weeks away from a grand opening of “The Ghost Town Guest House”. There are a few doorknobs still to be installed, and some half completed painting jobs, but for the most part the building is as immaculate as it is artistic and inspiring. The 3 story building is essentially a refrigerator box shape with some large windows and a mixture of wooden and corrugated steel (rusted out for a good replication of a rustic storefront) siding. The exterior is artistically littered with old boots, rope, a steam engine, railroad tracks, farming tools, and old license plates. If I didn’t know any better I’d say the thing has been there for 60 years…they have done a painfully thorough job of returning everything to a deteriorated state. The inside is beautiful…all old looking wood, antique furniture, overstuffed couches, old photos of the town, huge windows, large area rugs, claw footed tubs, and wooden armoires. As they took us on a tour we were amazed to hear the stories of the décor. Some came out of dumpsters, some out of attics, others from flea markets and hole-in-the-wall resale shops. Much of the wood trim came from old high school bleachers, the porch railings were constructed from electrical posts, the slate kitchen counters were crafted from old schoolhouse blackboards.

The couple themselves compliments this homey and artistic atmosphere with incredible accuracy. She is the ultimate host…prepared, talented, and relaxed. She loves to talk, she loves to cook, she delights in preparing things to perfection. He is an intellectual, a story teller, and a fabulous hiking guide. Whether we were sitting in the tall, airy dining room around the cook stove or up in the sitting room looking at family photo albums or out on the trails looking down over the streams and mountains they were always looking to help, to entertain, and to delight in life. Such a breath of fresh air for me to see these people (who by the way have had quite difficult lives) and the way that their giving rejuvenates and excites them. I want to be like that. I want to find the thing which helps people so much that I can’t help but throw myself into it.

My dad’s parents and sister met us there, along with our cousin, Bryan (16). We enjoyed two days of great food, card games, mountain hikes, picnic lunches, and family catch up. We were spoiled immensely by the scenery (see facebook for the pictures) which included a waterfall, some beautiful streams, and craggy rocks. We were far enough away from most all of civilization that we could explore at will. The kids spent a whole afternoon hiking straight through water, forest, and wilderness…somehow able to imagine that we were the first to pioneer its rugged and surprisingly tranquil beauty. We climbed rocks, used trunks as bridges, discovered old mine shafts, skipped rocks, tried to identify animal prints, and reveled in the splendor of untouched creation. I’ve been blessed to see a fair amount of the world for someone my age and I’m convinced that these mountains are some of the most magnificent sites in the world, even next to castles and cathedrals.

My grandma brought several of her family scrapbooks along with her. She is constantly working on one of them…some are of very recent experiences, others date back to the early 1900’s and map out the family tree. One of these found its way to my lap last night and I perused it slowly, looking at great great grandparents with a curiosity that’s hard to explain, as if looking harder would bring them off the page and make them introduce themselves. Got a better feel for my ancestry and then moved gradually into the familiar faces…my grandmother and her twin, their engagements (within one day of each other) and weddings, their collective 10 children. Had fun looking at pictures of my Dad crying in a snowsuit and smiling in little overalls. I compared the features of my grandpa, uncle, and father with interest, trying to draw out which of the visual genes had made it to their children, including myself.

I’m more and more aware that these people, who speak into my life with infrequent but profound volumes, will not always be here. Due to the distance between us I’ll never know as much about them as I’d like to, but I’m realizing how important it is to try to connect, to learn, and to give back. Family can so easily be taken for granted as “the ones who come for Christmas and send a check at my birthday”…but there is so much more there…lives that I have common ground and genes and relationships with. Better not let those slide by. And then, I realize that some of those same types of people currently ride next to me in the car. People whom I assume that I am close to but sometimes don’t really take the time to know. Such is the blessing of family vacation. A chance to relax, explore, and really talk with these people who are such a direct foundation for my life whether I take the time to acknowledge it or not.

Tomorrow night we’ll be home, preparing to jump back into work, research, painting, and moving…looking forward to school which is approaching with ominous speed. But for now, I’m still on vacation and contemplating the experience with delight. Thanks Lord for the time, the people, and the place.

On the road again...

2007-07-27T22:41:00.000-05:00

Mountain air
Pine trees
Humming birds
Rushing streams

Ahhh...Colorado again...

There's so much about this place that I want to replicate and package and bring back for all of you to see. And yet, as much as I run around with my Kodak sureshot and my sketch pad...as much as I attempt to memorize the sights and the smells and the sounds of this patch of God's earth, I fail all the more. And perhaps that's the point...the making of the duplicate would be the end of the wonder, and in the process of capturing as much of it as possible I run the risk of missing the experience all together.

And so, instead I sit back and re-live every memory, re-walk every trail, re-fish every stream to my hearts content like I've done since I was 5. The past 3 days have been ripe with bright sunshine, afternoon rainshowers, evening games with the grandparents, and fishing trips to the streams. We have eaten grandma's cooking (which is very good for the most part and only has a few landmines every now and again...ex. yesterday's lime jello/cottage cheese/celery/onion/pecan salad) to the point of bursting. We have walked in the wilderness and dreamed. We have gotten dirty and showered only when absolutely necessary.

Casey, who is soon to be a senior, is getting ready to take senior pictures and as she begins this process I've agreed to take an assortment up here. I may not have the professional look, but even I get lucky every now and again if I take enough pictures (so far we've snapped over 500). ...And of course we have the benefit of all the time in the world and the best backdrops you could ask for.

The family will sing in church on Sunday as we do every year...people stop us down by the stream just to make sure. The people who keep coming back here every year love tradition and old times. It's the blessing and the curse of a community like this, but it sets the tone for everything that goes on. The fact that most people up here have heard most of the stuff we know how to sing, and have bought our old CD and keep it on their shelves dutifully doesn't make them less hungry to hear an old friend's grandchildren raise their voice in song. We don't mind...though it is certainly not the same experience that it was when I was in 3rd grade and all I needed to do was walk on the platform to be declared "the best there ever was." Still, the privillege of being involved in this simple worshiping community with such regularity is humbling. The town hall only seats about 100, but upwards of 120 can be found on any Sunday morning. Some members of the town will quickly correct you if you refer to the building as "the chapel"...but it's hard to deny the strong presence of a church in the rough hewn building furnished with standing room only.

On Monday my Aunt, Uncle, and 3 little cousins will join us here for a couple of nights...then my family will head to another small mountain town (8 miles as the crow flies but a 2 hour drive) to meet my Dad's parents and sister for a 2 day visit. Until then, we'll enjoy the lazy ebb and flow of mountain towns with only a few worries per day.

Streams to fish.
Pictures to take.
Books to read.
Picnics to eat.

Ahh....Colorado again...

Summer days

2007-07-16T14:35:00.001-05:00

Greetings from sunny July!!

It happens every year I'm finding...something about the slightly less stringent schedule and the gradual increase of free time over the summer leaves me often with not the slightest idea of where the time has gone. Summer is half way over now, and it has been a blast!!

The weather has only been intolerably hot for about a week this summer...surprisingly the rest of it has been very nice, with good thunderstorms to keep things cool and give Laura and I something to watch and/or run in on the weekends.

WORK TIME:
In addition to my soybeans project, I've been gradually getting back into working at the hospital. This is not nearly even part time work at the moment, but keeps me busy and adds a little extra cash flow. I like keeping my toes in the water a bit at least and oiling out the squeaky joints that I seem to have acquired over the past few months in the area of patient care under stressful circumstances. My love for and fascination with people keeps me going through just about everything there I'm finding...which is nice seeing as I'd like to sink my career in a similar environment.

I've also been shadowing at a local doctor's office, sitting in with both the MD and the PA who work there. It's been a blast to be taught by them, welcomed into their practice and knowledge base, and get to see a bit of a new angle when it comes to my future job. Because of the lack of regulation over PA's in general, there are many many areas which they specialize and/or focus in depending on their interest and the needs of the doctor they assist. Definitely not an easy job but I like the variety that I see in the people I have observed so far...all those bodies certainly keep them on their toes.

The house is finally painted...and despite the constant questions of whether we made the right decisions I think it looks great. Trim still needs to go in, along with a wood floor in the living room, but for now construction is over and we are looking forward to some sense of normalcy in the house for the next few weeks.

PLAY TIME:

We've had some great times hanging out with people lately...helped Jill get moved into her new rental out in South Shores, had awesome Indian food made by Mrs. Cheryl on the fourth of July, had the Higgins over for dinner and games, and had some various birthday parties and movie nights. Never a dull moment. I'm really enjoying the chance to kick back and relax.

I've also had some fun figuring out some of the stuff for my new apartment. I'm gathering things to move over there gradually (all the essentials: coffee maker, hangars, desk, etc) and on the lookout for good deals that I might be able to use. It's a little weird to be finally moving out, and very exciting too...especially with the knowledge that I can pick up and move back home for a night whenever I want to. I have great roomies, but I'm sure there will be a few times this semester when 6 girls in a house is just a bit too much estrogen. :) I'll be painting there a bit right before I move in, but for now I'm just puttering a bit.

TRAVEL TIME:

I've been out to see Matt's show twice in the last month, once with my family up near Chicago and again with his family in Madison, WI. Both were short trips that involved long drives and minimal talking/seeing time, but both were very fun. Nice to see what this crazy thing called drum corps really is and get to meet some of his buddies and see the show. I tried hard to have a critical eye but alas I find that my musical instincts die quickly as you move from vocal sounds to a different instrument. At any rate, I enjoyed getting to see him even for just a few minutes and was pretty jazzed to see how the whole thing worked out. I can confidently say, however, that I do not envy him for his 90 days of living on a bus with 45 guys. Decatur sounds pretty good for me... :)

This weekend I head to Ft. Wayne, IN to visit Faith. She's been wanting me to come up to "her lake" for about a year now, so Marc and I are hitting the road and staying over a couple of nights. It will be great fun to see her again and get to hang out and chat and sunbathe. Not quite the DR, but it's close enough.

When I return, I will have 1 day to work and pack before we depart for Colorado for 11 days. This will take us up to the cabin that we always visit, but also to a small town about 20 miles away, where my other grandparents and my aunt will meet us at a bed and breakfast for a few days. It will be great to see them (it's been more than a year) and catch up in the beautiful mountain air. Looking forward to fishing, taking pictures, reading, journaling, and being away from technology. Mom's parents have been vacationing there for more than 30 years now. There is solace in that place which I can hardly describe...it makes me wonder if someday I'll take my family there. I hope so.

Well, I'm sitting here and there is much to be done, so I'd better scoot...hope all is well in everyon's summers. Hopefully sometime soon I'll be able to sit down and compose a blog that focuses a bit more on thoughts and feelings and struggles and joys and a little less on schedule. But for now, this should keep you updated.

Blessings~
Morgs

choral soy and paint skiing

2007-06-19T15:33:00.000-05:00

Mid June and I'm still settling into the pace of summer. So far it has been awesome...tons of time to see people...a good paying but low-stress job which I'm enjoying. Self declared hours and a slightly unscheduled but productive pace.

My beans have popped out their 5th trifoliate (almost all of them) and are getting ready to flower. In the next two days my prof and I are going to head to Champaign and visit the U of I to borrow some supplies (nets, beetle traps, and a photosynthesis machine more technical than Millikin's) and talk to the team over there that did some similar research a few years ago. In many ways I feel out of my league in a research field...especially since I don't plan on spending much of my life investing in this area. But there is something pretty cool about science in this area...that thousands of people are heading up different projects all over the world...publishing numerous articles which may or may not ever be read by someone who needs the information. But this data production over time builds up into a wealth of knowledge for the good of science as a whole. So much work over so many years...and still so much more to go, but it's progress. There's got to be a life lesson in there somewhere.

Since I'm not working regulated hours and my professor has been out of town a bit recently, I've also been helping dad out at the office. He is drowning in loose copies of old, new, and still-being-considered music, and has a familiar (to me) way of throwing things into organized piles and suddenly ending up with very unorganized mountains. We are sifting through it all enough so that he can move some furniture and get organized for the year...then eventually I'll be sent to the dungeon of the choral library to sort, organize, and re-find 35 years worth of choral repertoire...which seems to slip out of alignment despite the computer and call system designed to keep it in order.

The family has also been preparing for the evidently traumatic experience of painting the upper level in our house. While my father is quite handy and the family quite excited about the prospect, we are evidently allergic to the thought of changing that many features of our household. I keep trying to explain that the cool thing about paint is that it can be painted over...but no one seems to think that this is a good way to justify the Nike mantra, "just do it."

We have looked at every paint swatch and spectrum in every hardware store in town. We have studied rugs in warehouses, stores, and online galleries. We have debated wood or white trim and been seen moving long strips of baseboard to different parts of the house, setting them up in their proposed spaces and taking in the view. After 3 weeks of considerations and debate we have finally made a grand victory. We bought a rug. One rug. 30 square feet of wool and (scary movie music here) color. My mother tells me that this decision will catapult us into making the rest very quickly and that paint will be on the walls in a matter of days. My money is on a date in mid July...or sometime in November.

Don't let me fool you with all of my talk of progressive projects and hard work...there has been plenty of time for play the last few days as well. We have been out on the boat quite a bit recently...stretching out the old muscles and trying to get them used to the glorious strain of water sports. I learned to drop a ski the other night and actually slalom skied for a few minutes. Much fun and a good new challenge. I also grudgingly jumped in the water with a wake board for a few minutes, determined not to let my humiliation from last summer keep me from ever trying it again. My success was approximately the same as an elephant who tries to climb a palm tree, with phrases like "face plant" and "dead weight" being used frequently. Oh well...you can't say I didn't try.

Good chats with some friends of late, catching up on the past year and talking about the present struggles and future choices, responsibilities, fears, and anticipations. It's amazing to already be talking about grad school...to be having real conversations about where we will live, when we will marry, and where our careers may take us. We all pray to stay true to our God and to follow him fully. We all desire to respect our roots but learn to truly chart our own course. We already see that we will pursue this in drastically different ways. Our lives will not follow the same imprint, neither will our choices and values reflect the same priorities. It is scary to think that in 10 years we may even see choices made by people we grew up next to that somehow seem completely off base. We must continue to pray that God will give us grace to see beauty and value in this diversity, while also giving us the courage to stand up to the challenges and decisions he has placed in front of us individually.

Well, enough blabbing for now...I'm off to get ready for bible study tonight...perhaps I'll eat some choral soy on the way as well. Its pretty good for you I'm told.

Blessings~

Unpredictable

2007-06-11T11:33:00.000-05:00

Greetings all.

I came up with a random copy of the first Caedmon’s Call CD a few days ago through my mom, my sister, and a yard sale. Old-school album from the good old days when the man, the legend Derek Webb wrote most of the tunes and Wayne Watson (random old friend of dad’s) was the executive producer. The music is very rough hewn…and the album an odd combination of 90’s radio classics, Webb tunes which I first heard in re-arranged forms, and unknown songs which might well become favorites over the next few days. I’m weird…when I get a new album it often becomes my only musical input for days at a time. It takes me that long to process the lyrics, analyze the music, and give the mood of the collection a rating. So far this one scores pretty high, but I’ll let you know about the final appraisal.

The Millikin internship is going very well…and by “very well” I mean it’s hardly going at all. My advisor took off for the Galapagos islands about a week and a half ago and has yet to return…and since soybeans only grow so fast, I’m finding myself doing a lot of checking, watering, and weeding…and not much else. As the summer progresses I will be much more caught up in working on nets, beetles, damage, and data collection. But for now, the “job” is really more like being CEO of a company whose building is still under construction.

I had hoped to be working at the hospital during these two weeks but the boss is not calling back and so I am accepting the break gratefully. I think God knew that I’d be needing this respite…indeed, the past week has been filled with more sleep than I thought that I’d ever need and even a bit of a head cold. Guess the old body was running a bit more “on empty” than I realized.

I’ve been using the extra time for some unpredictable yet necessary “life maintenance” tasks.

Oil changed (catching up with a “new” set of friends…all the old church buddies)

Washed and waxed (room finally cleaned and text books put on half.com)

Tires rotated (more attention given to family and friends than to schedule)

Brakes and tires checked (looking ahead to summer trips, budgeting, and grad school)

Gettin’ gassed up (planning and beginning new reading materials…some re-reads and a few newbies)

I also found, on a random trip to the Millikin computer lab the other day, that I had about 300 free pages left to print on my account. After wracking my brain for what to use them on I set out on a bit of a project to reformat and print all of my blogs to date. That’s right…Morglopedia is now in hard copy, and residing somewhere in the bookcase in my bedroom. Who knows…it might never be opened. But I realized the other day that too much of my life is stored in these writings to just throw them away or hope that they will always be accessible on the world wide web. Maybe I’ll want to read them when I’m 60. Maybe I’ll give them to the grandkids. Maybe the dog will chew them up. I don’t know, but the point is, now I have them. = )

In addition to the personal projects, the family has been quite busy this past week with company. My girls (Holly and Jill) from Millikin came into town to help mom with the Children’s Choir camp on campus this week. In the mornings, they herded 81 kids around campus, but in the afternoons and often too far into the evenings we enjoyed some great “play time.” We hit putt-putt, had several movie nights, went boating and introduced them to water sports, smoked cigars, watched stars, played games, and had some great conversations in the mix. All the activity promoted the building of friendships with some of the Riverside kids…I was thrilled to watch the two groups meld so easily. I have fabulous friends. The girls are gone now, which means we can walk through my basement again but also means I’m suddenly without two of my “sisters.” Bittersweet for sure.

I’m looking at 4 more days till my professor hits town again and so I’m hoping there will be a good amount of catching up with people again this week. The summer is pretty open really…and I’m interested to see where it will lead me. Already I find my brain pleasantly filled with thoughts and issues to sort through. Memories, strength, spirituality, friendship, personal motives, security, future plans, missions, pride, poverty…the list seems not to end. Let it be.

In the past few weeks I’ve been making scrapbooks for a couple of friends who are in transition periods at the moment…trying to draw together old pictures along with some scripture, quotes, and captions. I came across this quote, which has challenged me perhaps more than the kids I gave it to.

"Security is mostly superstition.
It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger in the long run is no safer that outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing."

Helen Keller

It strikes me that security is really a longing which my heart may never realize. And then it strikes me that to be truly secure would be the worst thing in the world. Why would I want a complete guarantee that my life was “in the bag” regardless of my actions? Such a promise would stop me from pursuing, discourage me from learning, and eliminate the presence or need for motivation. What a blank life. What a scary abiss of an existence. Surely the God who made us…who sees us tempted, frustrated, scared, and out of control, understands this to be the only way that we will begin to look for Him. We cannot “find” him…we cannot secure complete understanding of His provision for his followers. But we can feel insecure. We can feel desperate. We can feel afraid. And this is what causes us to jump off a cliff, to follow the impossible, to keep asking questions, to continue to seek something much greater than our own lives. A “daring adventure,” then, is not a blind leap into oblivion for an adrenaline rush and a few bruises…it is a plea for something which puts the randomness of life into some perspective and shows us the way to live with purpose. Not security…not a blanket and a wad of cash…true freedom that comes from knowing we live accountable to a higher calling.

Life is unpredictable…but even for my fear of heights I’d rather have that cliff than a warm bed and a “security deposit.” Bring me that horizon…

People vs potting soil...

2007-05-29T09:39:00.000-05:00

I knew it had been a long time since my last post, but when I opened the browser and saw May 6th staring me in the face I was flabbergasted (which by the way might be the most fabulous word in all creation…).

It’s bad enough that I don’t remember more than a week passing since I last wrote…but it’s worse to note on a moment of reconsideration how much has actually happened in my life since then. Am I suddenly so far on auto-pilot that I’m losing touch with my own life’s story?? Heaven forbid. At any rate, it’s all coming back now and I’ll take this chance to use some full sentences in this post (which is something this page has lacked considerably over the past few months).

School ended well, with a great amount of stress but a sense of accomplishment that few other sensations can rival. Even Organic chemistry, which has been the bane of my existence these past 9 months, seemed moderately understandable (but perhaps that’s just because multiple choice tests are falsely comforting at times). As the week passed, I said goodbye to many friends for the summer…an event that is becoming common place and was not at all threatening. That is, until I realized that I was half-way through college. There’s nothing that seems to cue change like finally becoming comfortable with something. It’s as though God understands how hopeless I am at feeling superior and independent when I know what’s coming—it’s then that He consistently changes my view. In another year, I’ll be full steam ahead in the grad school search and wondering what happened to my college life. Lord, may I not take any of it for granted.

Matt came home right in the middle of finals week…an event that made time management not only impossible but essential. All things considered, I think I did pretty well, taking some much-needed breaks but blocking out intense study sessions as well. He did a good job keeping me on task but we also got to watch some movies and meet up with Zach and Tina a bit. Once I finally left the books behind we did a lot more catching up, game playing, talking, and hanging out with friends.

In the midst of this fun, I also began my summer research internship at Millikin by hauling 28 bags of potting soil to the 6th floor of the science building (no small task, even with an elevator) and planting 168 pots of soybeans in the greenhouse. These little beans represent my entire summer. I will water them, care for them, shelter them…then promptly succumb them to a large amount of damage via Japanese Beetles and hole punches. My charges will not die (at least I hope not) from this impediment, but hopefully it will tell me some things about how herbivory effects photosynthetic rates and, consequently, the overall growth of plants.

This job is going to be very different from my work at the hospital. In place of people, I get potting soil, and in place of coaxing, feeding, and cleaning, I will focus on creating life and then destroying it in varying ratios. Its going to be weird not constantly running up and down hallways, calling for nurses and measuring urine outputs and trying to bathe cantankerous women. I will likely see a maximum of 4 people during any given day. But the job will also give me lots of time to think, pray, listen to music, and do some manual labor. I’ll still work at the hospital in fits and starts if I can ever get ahold of my boss…but until then I’ll be content with my seedlings, praying that they grow strong.

Exactly a week after Matt arrived home, I left for Intervarsity training on the upper peninsula of Michigan. He left for drum corps while I was gone, and both of us shook our heads a little at the madness of going back to “long distance” so soon. Lord, guide our paths.

“Chapter Focus Week,” as it is called, is an intense week of training for chapters in a 5 state area. Our particular week housed more than 500 students and staff on two separate campuses for track training, team planning meetings, chapter prayer times, vision casting, evangelistic training, staff workshops, and large group worship and exposition. My main occupation for the week was sitting down with the 5 other members of core leadership at Millikin and working out a new vision for our next year together. This involved much evaluation, prayer, and planning for new ideas, new tactics, and new understanding of the calling we have on Millikin’s campus. It’s so hard…so easy to get caught in ruts and feel overwhelmed and helpless. It’s such a big job…things we have tried so hard on in the past just haven’t worked. Yet in other areas, God is opening up wide doors. We prayed a lot about learning to capitalize on these opportunities, about making new connections, about being agents of justice and compassion on campus. After hours of debate and planning we finally agreed on a cohesive focus and some main events, as well as themes for large groups, prayer meetings, outreach events, small groups, and retreats.

In the midst of the intense planning sessions, we also got a great chance to connect with each other on some very deep levels. It’s amazing to see how connection on the volleyball court or over some inside joke can play into meetings and other tasks. And, in the same way, as things got discussed and worked out in formal settings, our informal time became even more enjoyable. We marveled at the way God brought our diverse and dynamic group together into a unified and encouraging team. We laughed, we cried, we stretched our minds together and then competed on the soccer field. It was not a peaceful, restful week…but it was renewing and invigorating and frustrating and encouraging all at the same time.

I’m now home again, trying to get my life in order and realizing that summer is officially started. I’m so privileged to be home so much this summer, working hard and really having time (I hope) to connect with the people here…friends, old and new, and family. I checked on my soybeans today and found all but one of them growing well. Here’s to summer!!

See ya on the flip side...

2007-05-06T17:43:00.000-05:00

Last full week of sophmore year is staring me in the face. Finals are sitting in yet unstudied piles. Knowledge is beginning to ooze out my ears...

Monday: Last test before finals...last day of core classes

Tuesday: last chem lab EVER (:-D), singing in recital

Wednesday: Dead day (meetings, pancake breakfast at 10pm, star wars marathon, and...oh yeah...studying)

Thursday: Jurries and, yep, more studying...also mom's B-day

Friday: Spiders Final and lab writing

Saturday: Molec and Cell, Philosophy final

Tuesday: Organic final

It's almost over!!

fragments (and a few accompanying thoughts)

2007-04-30T19:36:00.000-05:00

--Super stressed out (but only 2 more organic tests in my life...)

--spider collection done!!! (no more keying, labeling, or hunting)

--not sick (just imagining that there is pain in my sinuses and my throat is on fire)

--only 1 week of classes left (mild amounts of trepidation outweighed by sheer excitement)

--communication skills on several fronts lacking (hoping I don't hurt too many people)

--sleep in small quantities (come on summer break!!)

--loving spring like never before (amazing how it seems "new" every year)

--many papers to write (almost done with semester labs!)

--beautiful day (i want to go fishing and play frisbee)

--time seems to fly (only two more years of college??)

--God is good (I am a constant failure but He is always drawing me back again)

--Ice cream and coffee are amazing (how else is one to survive?)

--Praise God tomorrow's May (what else can you say?)

peace to all~

We Remember....

2007-04-26T12:08:00.000-05:00

April 26th, 2006

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." ~Jim Elliot

Outline of Me

2007-04-25T14:58:00.001-05:00

MORGAN'S LIFE THIS WEEK
Outline, draft 1

1) Super crazy week, tribute to the fact that its almost May
a. Lab finals and practicals
b. Organic test
-"the widowmaker" (as quoted on syllabus)
- class average? 40%
c. Presentations and papers due...some are the last ones till finals week!

2) Looking ahead
a. Lots of concerts and recitals to attend
b. Spider collection nearly complete
- needing taxonomy/ collection labels
- only 2 more specimens to go!!
c. People already talking about coming home
d. Summer research about to get underway
-soybeans to be planted soon
e. Planning for end of the year events
- choir recording sessions and picnic
- Sunday school picnic and church potlucks
- jazz and choir auditions
f. Invitations on my table = summertime is almost here
- about 10 grad open house invites
- 4 or 5 wedding invites
g. Brainstorming about summer bible study and what to study on

3) Trying to rest
a. attempting to prove that, contrary to popular opinion, I am NOT nocturnal
-lots of coffee involved
-creating a "i never sleep before 2 am" club
b. making an extra effort to be involved in family stuff, despite schedule
- Casey's prom next weekend
- TJ's speech contests
c. taking time to walk in the spring air, even if just a few minutes
- Frisbee sessions on the quad
- spider hunting in the back yard
d. working on learning how to nap

Conclusion: I am blessed beyond measure to live this life and attempt to use it to God's glory. No matter what I must always strive to keep this as my focus. He is the author of my life and the finisher of my faith.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!!

How to be cool...A HANDBOOK

2007-04-21T16:42:00.000-05:00

Today during senior honors seminar day, Faith and I were talking to a friend of ours from choir, who decided to sit with us because he thought it would increase his cool factor. Faith and I laughed at him...and taking pity on us, self-declared dorks that we are, Zack wrote out the following...which I thought was too priceless not to publish.

HOW TO BE COOL

...a handbook....

1) Wear your sunglasses inside and/or after 6:00 pm

2) Be purposely late for EVERYTHING!

3) Leather chaps...YES

4) Shorten your name by at least three letters

5) Constantly take pictures of yourself (and put them up on billboards if at all possible)

6) Make a facebook group about yourself....you need to know who is cool enough to like you.

7) Laugh at your own jokes. Other people may just not realize how funny you are.

8) Remember, even though you're not at the party, they are still the ones who are missing out!

9) Don't play by the Rulez...

Zach Devin everyone...kind of a big deal! =)

Hope this helps you as much as it has me...people are already coming up and asking for my autograph with stunning frequency. Course, I was a big deal to start with.

Patches of heavy fog...

2007-04-16T23:57:00.000-05:00

busy day + lots of stress = confusion and general fog

productive afternoon
lots of tests coming up
Intervarsity stress, due mostly to my lack of organization
lots of responsibility...honoring but chaotic
talk about housing next year...budgets, credit cards, painting, subleasers...huh??
end of the year "haze" setting in...
adrenaline rushes that come and go...cutting through the above mentioned haze occasionally
IV meetings
voice jurries approaching
final concert done...now for recording
papers to write
tutoring needed in Organic
family in need of a little more of my presence and less of my "morning grumpy pants"
battling the ebb and flow of school...hurting people, busy schedules, and no time outdoors
looking ahead to grad school
preparing for summer internship
trying to balance friends, meetings, homework, church, boyfriend, and an "others" centered focus
trying to figure out what's worth stressing over and what's worth letting go

This morning 32 people were violently murdered by some guy in VA. The pain of their families. The hurt inside the guy who did it. The endless tunnel of violence that seems to be eating away at society. My fog is just a small part of a much greater one. Lord, may I never be so foggy that I can't help those around me....that I can't make an impact or be a witness to a higher purpose and calling.

Waiting for sunny skies...which I know are actually just behind all this condensation.

Risen

2007-04-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

I forgot how much I love Easter...how many parts of the celebration bring joy and peace and pain all at the same time. Renewal through death. Life via suffering. Joy in the face of trial. What a wonderful, amazing event...and how amazing that it is more than an event...it is a way of life.

Sorry for the intensity of the last post...God continued to teach me a lot this weekend and I am so thankful for His faithfulness.

The weekend held a host of happenings. Lots of catching up with old friends as I was finally home and on break for an extended period at the same time as everyone else. Shopping and hanging out with Laura and Heather, good phone convo with Jackie (who wasn't able to make it home), catch up of the last several months with Andrew, dinner with Matt, movie and bowling and Brian Regan with Zach and Tina, talk about "real life" with Annie and Aaron, walk in the park over hot tea and open hearts with Laura. So many people who touch my life in such strong ways despite the ever-widening distance between us. Thank you Lord.

Got to enjoy a lot of cool music this weekend...some that I was a part of and some that I simply watched. Dad worked hard to bring together a veritable explosion of musical genius, complemented by Casey's ability to play every instrument known to man. =) Good Friday service of contemplation...Sunday service of ultimate joy. Good stuff.

Sunday afternoon we headed to Costerisan's to join the church gang for more food than should ever be allowed in one house. About 25 people including friends that feel like family, a couple of Millikin kids who stayed on campus for the weekend, and some older ladies from our church. Such an amazing group. We ate, talked, played games, and just enjoyed each other.

Heather persuaded her parents that they stopped having easter egg hunts a little too early...so the dads reverted back a few years, drug about 150 plastic eggs outside, and began hiding them. As the 15 kids (ranging in age from junior high to late college) headed into the cold outdoors, it all came flashing back. I had visions of my childhood years, of the ever frustrating wait to finally be released from the threshold of the deck onto the lawn; of bounding across the yard, searching out a slip of color coming through the light green surroundings. Me in a frilly dress and patent leather shoes and a really obnoxious hat. Me desperate to find more eggs than the other little girl peering around the woodpile at the other end of the yard. There is an immediate decision that one must make. Do I move quickly in order to cover the most ground or do I search thoroughly so as to find every last egg in a given area?? Greed battles perseverance and the fight usually leaves me running in circles. No different on this day, despite the 12 years that have passed since then. The energy was just as high, the challenge comfortingly similar, and the joy of frolicking around egg-laden swing sets just as fun.

The kids took a walk around Mt. Zion when we got tired of eating chocolate...ended up standing in the medians and posing every time a car drove by. Dorks, every one of us...and loving every minute of it! We did have one encounter with an expletive-hurling guy, who took the time to back up just so he could be sure to curse every one of us. I guess some people get enjoyment from odd behaviors. ...And perhaps I'm speaking to the choir? No amount of F-bombs could dampen our spirit though...we had a fun time despite the PG-13 rating.

We stayed at the house till after midnight...watching an old version of "The Choice", an easter musical that Riverside used to put on. Interesting to view, and to filter through a distant but vivid memory of viewing it myself. At that time, I knew hardly anyone on the stage, but now, looking back on it all I could see who I was watching...see how many of them have had such a huge part to play in my life not just logistically and scheduling wise, but spiritually and emotionally too. It was fun to watch them all as youngsters and see how they have changed and how they are similar. Fun to watch Dennis as Jesus and Randy as a Roman guard. Fun to watch Aaron get his ear cut off and Heather get raised from the dead. Wonderful to see the amazing performance and hear the message so clearly, even via VHS.

Flashback over. Here I am again...back at school and reflecting on all that has happened in the past 4 days. Thank you Lord for the rest, the renewal, and the fabulous good times...thank you that they represent the death and resurrection of your son, the linchpin of my salvation. I am unworthy of all of the above.

Hope that you all had a blessed Easter...keep your eyes open for left-over eggs...

Confession

2007-04-03T22:14:00.000-05:00

convicted.
cut to the core.
shaking my head at my stupidity.
feeling the wickedness of my own heart.

It has been a week of gradual revelation after, I confess, a rather dry spiritual spell in my life. Recent lessons and scripture and teaching have been bouncing off my soul like so many air soft pellets off an armored tank. My life has been pretty much peachy keen and my heart unreceptive to the gentle but persistent knocks of my savior.

I have been praying for God to rip this shell away from me...asking that I would once again feel the weight of conviction and even guilt...asking that something like fear would finally persuade me to listen and seek and obey. ...But in the same breath I was praying for blessings...for a smooth ride, for an easy life, for a reason to be grateful. As if I needed one.

Last Thursday night IV exec studied Mark 6:6-12 and 30-39. Jesus sends out his disciples, commanding them to go into the towns and giving them great authority to cast out demons and to heal the sick. He give specific instructions, however, of what they are not to take. Extra clothing. Money. Food. All forbidden. Despite the fact that as humans they will need these "comforts" very quickly, he forbids them to take even the essentials. 20 verses later, the disciples are tired, and though Jesus tries to get them somewhere to rest, the crowds keep following. And Jesus has compassion on the masses. But his followers are selfish. "Send the people away so they can get something to eat," secretly screams, "I'm hungry...make these guys go away so I can eat my fish in peace." Yet Jesus says, "You feed them." I know you're tired and hungry. I know you feel like you have been deprived ever since I sent you out. But it's time to have compassion. Give a little more. Give until you are beyond the end of your rope. Give because you see that they are lost and in need of Me. Give because I am here to give through you.

The feeding of the 5,000 is miraculous not just because the food is multiplied. It is miraculous because even though Jesus pushes his disciples to the limit, in the end he provides their most base and human need: food. He does not scoff at them and pour out many spiritual lessons for them to wrestle through. He gives them rest...just as soon as they are willing to obey. While he asks them to learn to live without comfort his great miracle involves providing comfort in abundance...in excess.

Next stop: easter week events for Intervarsity. Palm Sunday worship, reminding us all of the triumphant feeling that the disciples must have felt as they entered the city with the hero of the day. "This is all worth it! I'm so glad that we worked so hard and obeyed our master! NOW we can see why He did what he did." Blind. And looking for profit and gain in a purely worldly way. Sure that when good things happen that's proof of God's faithfulness to our plight. Why does this sound strangely familiar?

Amazing how God uses physical fatigue to get my attention. Equally amazing though not surprising how the Devil uses it too. As sleep got scarce in the past 4 days or so my mind began to wander...searching for something to get me through the day. The words came to mind soon enough.

"Come unto me, all ye that labor, and I will give thee rest..."

unfortunately I forgot to remember the whole verse. I began to take comfort in the idea of coming to Jesus for the sake of rest alone. Rest translated: peace, no trouble, lack of responsibility and pain alike. WRONG again.

These thoughts, these expectations made me realize how much I have cheapened God's place in my life. I have come to demand blessings, to crave peace, to rebel against struggle. I have turned Him into a mental vending machine, which I worship in the hopes that my 50 cents will by some "miracle" warrant two packs of M&M's and not just one. I praise in expectation of joy. I serve with intentions of reward. I give expecting to feel better. No wonder I feel dead. I'm worshiping an idol: my own life, and the betterment of it.

The Lord requires something so much more..."take my YOKE...LEARN from me...I am MEEK and LOWLY in heart." Why does it take me so long to understand what that means?? Obedience. Humility. A soft heart that is ready to listen, not to talk. A back that is willing to carry a load. A heart that is peaceful not because it isn't struggling but because it is certain of the purpose of the pain.

Tonight: Stations of the Cross. A service that the IV kids did referencing the highlights of Christ's walk to Golgatha...a solemn service to be sure. One phrase in one of the prayers stuck out. "Lord, we see that Jesus was beaten beyond recognition and endured ultimate suffering. Let us learn to see His perfect image in the faces of those who suffer around us." Could it be that Christ's redemption is seen best in suffering? That power is made perfect in weakness? Something tells me I've heard this before.

The pain in my heart is nearly tangible as I survey the past few weeks...considering all that I have said and done to lessen pain and to embrace the safe and sound, the prosperous, the exciting, and even the good. All that I have ignored around me...pain, injustice, and, yes, truth. The cross is an instrument of punishment pain and suffering. But it is also an avenue to the greatest closeness and co-identity we can experience with God. Why do I continue to reject it??

My mind is a blur of quotes and scriptures and hymns:

"In the cross, in the cross, be my glory ever..."

"Father, forgive them...they don't know what they are doing"

"He was bruised for our iniquities, he was pierced for our transgressions"

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..."

"What wondrous love is this, that caused the Lord of bliss to bear the dreadful curse for my soul??"

"Why should I gain from His reward?"

"If any man will be my disciple, he must take up his cross daily and follow me."

"IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!! Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit."

I know all of this...I've heard it a thousand times. But I confess before God and anyone reading this that I have not been obedient. I have, "refused the cup and the baptism"...I have run from the cross with a sense of repulsion...understanding only things which give glory and victory and peace. I've become a Eustace (CS Lewis, Voyage of the Dawn Treader), who in pursuit of happiness and greed has become his own worst enemy, with no way to escape save the painful removal of his scales and tough skin. Rip them off, Aslan!! Sink your claws in deep and tear them away. Forgive me for my greed and selfishness and pride. Reduce me to my core, for only there can your spirit mold me into something that resembles you.

Tomorrow night, my team of Intervarsity kids will perform a drama presentation for the campus detailing the lives of the people surrounding Jesus' death. It contrasts the rough soldiers with quiet mother Mary and stoic John and emotional Mary Magdaline. It begs the question, "how will YOU respond to the cross?" Tonight in practice I was almost in tears as I heard Mary Magdaline cry at the foot of the cross, "Kneel down with me! Wail and Mourn...Throw dust upon your heads, for the light of the world has gone out!!"

For the rest of this week, I will, I MUST grasp the depth of the suffering and the horrendous load which Christ carried for me. For only then will my redemption cause the appropriate response...not the guilt and the kick in the pants that I was waiting and praying for earlier this week, but overwhelming Love and Joy. Irresistable grace, the Calvanists call it. Inescapable conviction which leads to lifelong and willful participation in the suffering. May it always be so.

"See, my servant will act wisely; he will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted. Just as there were many who were appalled at him—his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man and his form marred beyond human likeness--so will he sprinkle many nations, and kings will shut their mouths because of him. For what they were not told, they will see, and what they have not heard, they will understand."

Isaiah 52: 13-15

human still...sort of

2007-04-02T01:30:00.000-05:00

a couple of days ago I saw this logo on a shirt on some guy in the library...I was about ready to bang my head through a computer screen so it was a very good thing he walked by when he did. I got to laughing and couldn't remember why I was mad at the computer.

I wish it wasn't so true for me these days...I'm running on fumes and a fair amount of adrenaline...and coffee...and some days it nearly succeeds in making me human again. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever shake this feeling of constant stress and strain...come on Easter break!!

pray if you think of it...or send me the biggest coffee mug the world owns...it's Monday again!

The Far Country

2007-03-25T22:39:00.000-05:00

Home again…finally. The past month has been practically non-existent for all of the traveling and performing that I’ve done with various groups. I’ve seen some great places, spent time on the beach, gone through huge airports, tasted new foods, heard new music, and visited relatives and old friends. But there is nothing like home to soothe the soul like balm. We arrived at 4:15 am this morning after 20 ish hours in transit from the Dominican Republic. No one was awake of course when I got home, but just the smell of the house and the feeling of my own bedsheets was more comforting than I could ever have guessed. That and the reassurance that I don’t have to use a bus, plane, or train in the foreseeable future. Hooray for solid ground!

There is tons to share about my most recent trip, but I’ll stick to the highlights as I have an insane amount of catch up to do before school starts again tomorrow. If you’re looking for full sentences you’ve come to the wrong place.

Thursday, March 16th
~4 days after coming home from Miami I began packing my suitcase again. Tons of clothes for tropical weather and concerts alike…my days of “light packing” are clearly gone.
~Spent a few hours with Matt, who dropped me off at Millikin in time to go to Faith’s recital and then load the vans.
~We drove to Chicago in 3 vans and made it in by about 11:30
~Checked into a cheap hotel for a few winks

Friday, March 17th
~Awoke at 3:30 for a shower and re-loaded the equipment (24 pieces including a drum set and amps) in a shuttle.
~Flight from Chicago to Miami.
~Storm in Miami, detour to Ft. Lauderdale, Arrived in Miami 2 hours late
~Sprinting through airport to catch flight
~Flight to DR…we made it but our luggage did not…6 hours in a foreign airport desperately trying to remember high school Spanish. We DID however discover “BON”…a chain of ice cream that got us through the rest of the trip.
~Finally recovered luggage, loaded all into a bus for a 2 hour ride to La Romana.

Saturday, March 17th
~Checked into hotel to sleep a bit
~Visit to local bakery (which we ended up frequenting every day)
~Drive back into the city…we were featured on a Saturday afternoon live TV show…quite intimidating and lots of fun. We’re famous already?? J
~Free night and fun meal at a Shishkabob place before hitting the outdoor bars for cigars.

Sunday, March 18th
~Singers taught a singing clinic at a local arts council downtown. Thanks to the translator we might have gotten a few words through…we had fun singing for them then…music knows no language barrier.
~Into the city square to watch a huge annual parade celebrating “Carnival” (similar to Mardi Gras but 3 weeks long, more violent, and more chaotic)…culture shock firmly established.

Monday, March 19th
~Sang for a catholic school assembly…great show in a semi-outdoor gym…we felt a lot like rock stars and signed a lot of autographs.
~Sang at a bar/restaurant (in that order…) in the city square for a very appreciative audience.

Tuesday, March 20th
~Beach day!! Snorkeling, volleyball, Frisbee, photography, tanning, and relaxing.
~Viewed a show at an outdoor amphitheater at a resort village called “Altos de Chavon”…great food, cheesy entertainment, and lots of very rich people.

Wednesday, March 21st
~Show at another school…very fun again
~Drive into Santo Domingo, the capital city…checked into new hotel on the colonial square…very beautiful
~Show at a ritzy bar for some people who actually spoke some broken English. Nice to hear.

Thursday, March 22nd
~Performance at a huge school which is entirely bilingual. 1200 students, most of whom know 3 languages and have a great grasp on Computer technology, the arts, and both Dominican and US history. I felt dumb.
~Show at International Cultural college for a large audience on a beautiful stage. ~Randomly ran into the mother of a girl who stayed with us in the States on an exchange 7 years ago. Crazy small world!!

Friday, March 23rd
~Free morning…I took the chance to get to see my Cousin who lives down there. I had never met her husband and her little boy, who are both as sweet as can be. I enjoyed seeing her house and catching up on her life. She also got to see a concert.
~Shopping in the Mercado in the city…Faith and Marc and I got really good at bartering and brought home some great stuff!!
~Show at an outdoor cultural stage in a huge plaza…great dinner at a refurbished old stone tavern which was far too nice for a bunch of college students.
~The show was stalled in the middle of the group that went before us when the power went out…no problem…the sound guys spliced the wires in some nearby street lights to get enough power for the stage lights and the sound system. Only in the DR…
~We finally sang, and had a fun show…on the cutoff of our last song there was a torrential downpour and so we all frantically grabbed equipment and drums and microphones and threw it under the stage…then played in the rain for a good half hour. Everything was soaked and we spent a great portion of the evening drying things off with towel and hair dryers. Bonding experience for sure!!

Saturday, March 24th
~The group had arranged a pop song that just came out in the DR for One Voice to sing, and the crowds loved it. So, we ended up taping a performance of it on the same TV show before we headed for the airport. Tough to realize that we were headed back to a place where no one would know/care who we were… J
~Headed to the airport for a long day of transit
~Only lost two pieces of luggage on the way home…not bad

Dang…that was the short version?? I’ve got to work on that…

All that to say, we had a fabulous time…the group was really great, and despite the unavoidable drama and occasional squabbling, we enjoyed each other immensely. Our group is young and not too confident about our “gel” as a group for the most part. The trip showed us just how compatible we were on and off stage and that really helped to cement our shows. It wasn’t the most relaxing of spring breaks, but it was definitely a blast.

Yesterday on the plane I was listening to Andrew Peterson’s “Far Country” album. It is a thought provoking and beautiful collection of songs that talk about heaven. Heaven’s a thing we don’t think about in specific terms very often. It is so far away, so distant from reality, and so unimaginable. Peterson’s lyrics speak of the craving and the emptiness that should be apparent in our lives because we are not “home” yet. C.S. Lewis puts it another way, “If there is a unquenchable craving that nothing in this world can satisfy, I must conclude that I was created for another world.”

I loved the trip, I loved the new culture and the energy of travel and exploring new foods and art and music. I loved finding new pieces of myself in the tapestry of another “world.” But there is nothing there that would satisfy as fully as this home in little Decatur does.

Home again…and loving it. Loving the familiar, the safe, the warm, and the joyous feeling that survives in my home by the grace of our savior. And yet, I was struck that even this is a far country, which despite it’s blessings has downfalls and shortcomings and limited joy. Somewhere out there is a perfect place, which provides the ultimate balm and peace, for it will fit around my heart like a lock fits around a key. It is what I was created for. And while this weary traveler will continue to appreciate what she sees and experiences and explores, she must never forget that little longing in the back of her mind. It is the key to the perseverance of all else.

“And I long to go there, I can feel it too
And the sun that’s shining is a shadow of the truth
This is a far country, not my home…”

The Layover

2007-03-15T01:16:00.000-05:00

It's a Wednesday night (technically Thursday morning) and I'm sittin down to blog. Seems to weird to go to bed right now as it's still before two and I haven't done that in longer than I can remember. Tonight a cold front is moving in, clearing away the glorious weather that we have had the last few days, but bringing in the much needed rain. Yay for spring and completely unpredictable weather.

We are back from Miami and officially done with ACDA stress...It went fantastically well; thank you so much to all of you who were praying for and thinking about us. We received so much praise and appreciation...3 standing ovations and glowing reports from some of the "big dogs" of choral music. Dad was certainly honored well, as he should have been...I've never been so proud of him. We got back into Decatur from St. Louis Saturday night and got up early Sunday to go to Chicago for a One Voice gig. After that drive I was pretty much ready to say that I never want to see another moving vehicle.

So, for my week on solid ground, I took midterms, finished papers, and tried to figure out how to best prepare for the upcoming weeks. Seems like I haven't had the chance to breathe in so long! Spent a ton of time studying for my organic test today (which may or may not have gone so well...) and also got to hang out with Matt, who's on spring break and willing to flex with my insane schedule. :)

After 4 days of "layover" here in Decatur, we will hit the road tomorrow evening for Chicago yet again, fly back to Miami (is someone measuring efficiency here??), and then on to the Dominican Republic for One Voice tour. I'm a bit hesitant about the trip right now, but I think most of that is cause I'm tired and wanting to stay home. I'm sure it's going to be an absolute blast though, and it won't take me long at all to re-discover my love for traveling.

All that to say, I'll be out of touch for a little over a week here...leave me voice mail and comments and Facebook messages and I'll get them when I get back! Love to you all in your various galavantings...May He give you the grace to continue to travel down whatever road He has placed you on. I'm glad our paths cross every once in a while!

Blessings~

The Toilet Tribune and the power of prayer

2007-03-02T14:13:00.000-06:00

Our campus has a fantastic new little publication that is providing vital information to all us college kids. It's called the "Toilet Tribune" and is placed on the insides of all the stall doors for our reading pleasure. Its a fun way to waste time and catch up on the goings on while you...well...you know. :)

Today the "you know you're a college student if..." section caught my eye, here are some of my favorites:

...if you find yourself wearing the same pair of jeans for the 13th day in a row without washing them
...if your room is so cold that the toilet water freezes over
...if your trash can is overflowing and your bank account isn't
...if you need a shovel to find the floor in your room
...if your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
...if you get more sleep in class than you do in your room
...if your spare time is spent playing Guitar Hero and watching the Office
...if the average amount of cold, hard cash you carry in your pocket is $0.73

It's Friday. After a fluke day of 50 degree weather and tornado warnings yesterday we are back in freezing temps. I've got the upper respiratory crud and can't remember the last time that I put on makeup before classes. I'm pretty physically worn down...haven't had a weekend without a musical production or a wedding since Christmas break and I have also been working pretty hard on Intervarsity leadership these past few months...this weekend we do have one concert, but I'm praying that I'll have the chance to get some rest too. I'm in desperate need of some "margin" in my life and a good 14 hours of sleep or so.

I also have quite a bit of school work (lab reports, studying, and READING in STACKS) to do this weekend in preparation for next week's ACDA convention. We will leave at noon on Tuesday and drive almost straight through to Florida. I can think of a few things that are a little more fun than 24 hours on a bus with 50 people, but then again it will promote a certain air of "togetherness"...which we will need during our performances. We will sing for up to 4000 people by the time we leave on Saturday, most of whom are choir directors from all over the world. Awesome. Even more awesome to see my Dad's life dream come true...pray for his stress level over the next few days.

One Voice will dodge the bus ride home(Hooray!) by catching a flight in because we have another concert next Sunday afternoon. Then it's home for a few days of midterms (right after having missed 3 days of school...that one should be fun) and then off to the Dominican Republic for spring break/One Voice tour!! I'm so blessed by the opportunity to travel so much and hang out with all my nerdy music friends (and by nerdy, I mean cooler than the science geeks...aka cooler than me).

I should mention that God is really doing some miraculous stuff at Millikin this year. And He's using my friends and I to do it through. There is nothing more invigorating. nothing more rewarding than seeing Christians come together and dare to put faith in a God we can't see and a cause we can't scientifically explain. The team is taking risks, evangelizing, pursuing people of many different backgrounds, serving the needy, trying to get involved in a city ministry, and seeking visibility on campus. We long to be a part of a harvest in a place that often looks like an abandoned field.

Last night we had a concert of prayer...35 people in a room alternatively praying aloud en-mass and sitting silently for 10 minutes at a time and singing the great hymns of the faith. We confessed, we praised, we sought God's calling, we put on submission. We're college kids; broke, tired, stressed, stupid, and messy. But I don't think we've ever been more confident of the calling that we share. We wondered anew at the power of the blood of Christ not just to forgive, but to redeem and to give purpose to each of us sinners. And we stood ashamed at our constant desire to "work to make things happen" rather than submitting to the will of a Father who has already perfectly designed our lives.

"Prayer is cooperating with God to bring about His plan, not trying to bend Him to our will. As we abandon our own desires in submission to the One who knows our circumstances far better than we ever could, and who “knows what you need before you ask” (Matthew 6:8), our prayers reach their highest level. Prayers offered in submission to the Divine will, therefore, are always answered positively, whether offered by one person or a thousand. Here is true power in prayer."

March already...and suddenly 2 more years of college seems too short. That's only 20 more issues of the toilet tribune and 24 more months of "practice" before hitting the real world. Guess we'd better not waste any time.

windows

2007-02-22T17:33:00.000-06:00

Thursday evening and a ten minute window with nothing to do. That never happens. Going out with the girls for dinner tonight before an IV meeting and so at the moment I'm stuck on campus with the choice of practicing my already strained voice or wasting time on the computer till they are ready to leave. my choice? duh...

The wedding is happening...really and truly. This isn't just a fairy tale any more or a dream of what will happen "some day"...it is a fully realized event...complete with plane flights in motion as we speak and flowers being delivered and a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon.

I'm a little stressed out. I'm not stressed out by the details and the frenetic parents and friends like I thought I would be. Things are rolling pretty smoothly and despite a few normal glitches everything has gone well so far. I'm stressed that on Saturday I will witness a life change of unexplainable magnitude. I'm creeped out that I wrote a maid of honor speech for the reception last night. I'm completely in disbelief that I bought a wedding card this afternoon (it's a freakin' card...why is it such a big deal??). Somehow, it's the little things...all those moments that catch me off guard and make me realize, perhaps for the first time what is really happening. The little moments that collect and then suddenly bowl me over all at once.

I'm excited too....today I bought all the stuff for the girl's party tomorrow night...it's gonna be crazy fun. I talked to Tina today about her new mailing address and the recipients "Mr and Mrs. Zachary Vernon"...and realized just now that in 24 hours I'll be standing on a platform listening to them practice their vows. I can't wait to see her dress and hair and veil all together...to see his face when she first comes around the corner, and to watch as this massive event takes place in the presence of all their guests.

It's hard to believe, looking back, all the stuff that we have all journeyed through to reach this point. And even more unbelievable is the magnificent view that has suddenly come into view as we reach out and touch the window in front of us. We have viewed it from a distance for a long time and have seen the trees distantly through it...but tomorrow the glass will become hard against our fingers and the trees will become a thin screen, and beyond them we will see the high bluff which rushes down into the valley below and the road that stretches for miles in miniature size. And we will see the next window...the next step, somewhere in the distance...as seemingly un-attainable as the one we are now standing next to.

Its funny how all the steps that will get us there will be small and seemingly insignificant. Lord help me appreciate every one.

School of Coffee

2007-02-08T11:25:00.000-06:00

Wednesday, 8:30 pm

Starbucks
Cinnamon Dolce Latte
Death Cab for Cutie playing in the ear buds
Muscles buzzing from recent work-out
Pondering the meaning of life

It was a day of random intelligence and smoke producing brain exercises. I learned that Salticidae spiders have enlarged anterior median eyes. I also learned that I don’t know how to sing with any amount of vibrato. I also learned that resonance can drastically effect the acidity of organic compounds. Then I headed for philosophy class. It doesn’t matter how much I try to prepare myself for this experience, it is always more of a challenge than I am ready for. I do the reading…I think of possible discussions that will ensue. I create crushing replies to said arguments. I then end up sitting in class with my eyebrows ruffled, reading and re-reading the scribbles on the board and trying to piece together the differences between human rationality, psychology, and morality.

The arguments are as dizzying as they are fascinating. The human brain is complex enough at a biological level. But when you begin to try to understand the interplay between intention, desire, and reason, the web of the mind looks denser than I ever anticipated. In actuality, the idea of trying to pinpoint what makes man “tick” is impossible. And yet, there is a part of each of us that could find such scientific simplicity very attractive. At the same time, we do not trust ourselves to be this predictable. After all…we are man…the only creatures in the world who have not just intelligence but an understanding of consequence, future/past, and even eternal significance. Everyone believes something about the meaning of life, even if there is none…and the process of deciding what we believe is the very foundation of human existence.

If not for an eternal future, why would anyone be moral?? If not for consequences, would any of us ever do what is right? What is the basis for “right” action? Desire? Emotion? Altruism? Cooperation? Self-promotion? Each of these and more are adopted by philosophers of every stripe and color. And no one is any closer to an answer.

I sit in my seat each day, “the Christian”…trying to formulate answers, smart remarks, out of the box and intelligently stimulating ideas. Today I gave up. After all…what use is it to ask more questions…there are enough on the table already. Today I took the liberty of seriously asking myself if I would follow God and His laws were it not for either a fear of hell or a need for His unfailing love. The ideas of faith and belief aside, I cannot think of one other reason to follow Him. It is not rational (unless you consider the fact that my desire to believe promotes my actions, which makes it individually rational), it is selfish (I believe it will promote my own interest), and ultimately it is my fence, my safety net, my way of coping with life. Under the premise of secular philosophy, my actions are very justified; I have plenty of reasons to pursue God. But to me these reasons seem black and insufficient.
Did God intend for me to love and follow Him because I fear punishment?? Did He know that I would use Him as an excuse to cope? Did He understand that were it not for my hope in His faithfulness and His love I would never pay any attention to His existence, let alone His rules?

I feel black. Stripped to my spiritual core by a secular study. And yet, it isn’t secular. It asks the deepest and most complex questions we can ask about the most difficult things in life to understand: our reasons for living.

I am unworthy to be loved when my motivations are so selfish. I feel bad that I am comforted so easily and handed a perfect answer to all of the questions of life. I am confused when I see that the answer is really nothing but a set of questions on a larger, supernatural scale. Yet absent from any way to explain my reasoning, and conscious of the fact that my motivations are completely self-seeking, I do believe. I do place my trust in a truth that I can not feel, touch, or even analyze. And while I know that before this semester is over I will be ridiculed for my lack of “understanding the human plight” I hope that I’ll have the courage to say that I understand it very well…and so does my Father. The only thing more ridiculous than me loving a God that I cannot explain is God loving me, when he sees the blackest, deepest, and most selfish intentions of my heart and life.

And perhaps that is, finally, the thing which philosophy fails to take into account. …something that changes everything and yet is so intangible that it can hardly be considered. Love. That’s what I have that no amount of reason and question can touch. It’s the thing that I feel which requires my attention. It’s the thing that I desire above all else in this world. And it’s the thing which my Lord and Savior gives away without question.

We have come to know and believe in the love that God has for us. God is love, and the person who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. This is how love has been perfected among us: we will have confidence on the day of judgment because, while we are in this world, we are just like him. There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.

We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:16-19

Starbucks, nearly closing time
Empty coffee cup and an undisturbed book bag still sitting beside me
Norah Jones playing over the loudspeakers
Mind buzzing with the warmth of unreasonable understanding
Pondering the meaning of Love

Why?

2007-02-05T22:08:00.000-06:00

It’s one of those days that begs the question…

Why is the wind-chill in the negative teens when most of December felt like spring?

Why did the Chicago Bears play so crappy in the Super Bowl?

Why did I agree to book my weekend so completely tight that I could hardly see the friends who came home to visit (two of whom will be married by the next time we have a movie night together)?

Why is Organic Chemistry important...no scratch that…why is Organic even PERMITTED to exist?

Why isn’t dark chocolate considered a vegetable?

Why is my brother in Junior high and my sister discussing college plans?

Why is my room in a perpetual state of chaos where piles are more common than carpet spots??

Why was there a “harvest moon” on February 2^nd??

Why are girls so darn emotional?

Why are chocolates and teddy bears considered the valentine’s day gifts of choice?? Why not pecans and stuffed penguins??

Why does it seem like I don’t have time to “do college” for everything else that’s going on in my life??

Why do egg rolls always taste better with hot mustard on them?

Why isn’t Ultimate Frisbee an Olympic sport?

Why doesn’t Illinois have any mountains?

Why am I so good at giving advice and so bad at taking it?

Why is everyone getting married?

Why are changes so difficult for me to process, and would I really cope with boredom any better?

Why are the simplest things in life sometimes the most difficult to describe??

Sorry...my ramble is a bit like a 3 year old's today. I find that sometimes by just getting all my questions out I can forget about the need to answer them all...lets hope...

The Anatomy of Me

2007-01-29T11:13:00.000-06:00

...Just checking in with a diagnosis of my sanity levels...doesn't look to good does it? The truth of the matter is that for many of us, the ability to emote is the preserver of sanity, and not an indication of it's absence. So, I'm here to to explain how mood swings and goofy faces can tell you (or me) more about me. Best of luck in discovering a worthwhile application for this information.

Upper left hand corner is often used for those moments when academic load is just too much. Sure, it would be much more satisfying if I did it to a person and not a book, but you have to settle for what you can get...

Top right...I wish I could say this is an unusual face, but my family can attest to the fact that I have it on just about every morning.

Middle right is a pretty good representation of my "attempting to stay awake during molecular biology" face. I've got a nasty cut on my lip from when I bit just a little to hard... :)

Just to the left of that is the classic "I forgot to study for my lab quiz AGAIN!" face.

Look left once more for the "I hate Org. chem with a passion from deep within my soul" expression.

Second from the right on the bottom pretty much personifies my inability to understand drama in life...whether from weddings and old friends or from intervarsity planning and choir rumors. Its the face you make when you just don't get it.

Of course, I'm glad that the bottom right one is last, because its the face that I make a lot these days. "Keep on Keepin' on" screams of a desire to smile no matter what, not just because it may make someone else's day, but because it really does improve your sense of sanity. ...well, that may be taking it to far...but you know what I mean.

So, now that we got that cleared up, have a great day...and don't forget to EXPRESS YOURSELF! =)

Back in the saddle...

2007-01-17T15:46:00.000-06:00

Wow….blogging was just one of the several things that I saw myself doing a lot over break…yet here I sit on the first day of classes, ready to throw myself back into the chaos and only now sitting down to fill you in on the last month.

The tests are done and grades in…it was a relief to see my hard work pay off. And then, glorious break. I had a great time doing stuff with friends of course. Enjoyed time with the family and got to help mom through her first week after foot surgery. We had a quiet Christmas at home devoid of company and the general Christmas panic. It was lovely. I’m struck again how much the season has been cheapened…not from a lack of attention but from a determination to overemphasize some of its least important aspects. It was nice to be able to just relax in it. Not that we didn’t do our fair share of partying…about 40 people from church were over on Christmas eve to enjoy food and watch Brian Regan.

New year’s was also a little different this year…the parents decided it was time for a year off of the traditional family sleep over…but the kids revolted and planned a party anyways. We carried on as usual playing games, forming a parade through the neighborhood, and staying up until ridiculously late having girl talk. Great stuff.

It was really interesting to me as I enjoyed the company of old friends how much everyone is changing. Usually change causes me to panic, but I think that more than anything this break just hit me in the face with it. At each family gathering or date for coffee it became more and more evident that we are becoming adults…each pursuing different goals, creating different priorities, and exploring new ideas about life, truth, and love. I think that my greatest fear in seeing my friends go off to college last year was that they would come back home knowing and feeling all sorts of things that I didn’t. I feared a disconnect that would make some of our friendships nearly impossible to maintain. Little did I know that it would be a full year before I felt any of that at all. And even now, there is less frustration than there is curiosity in the observation of this process. In fact, for a few friends these changes have made our relationships all the more interesting. In all areas though, I find that my closest friends from home have stopped being my security because of their similarities and started being my kaleidoscope. This break warranted so many interesting conversations about philosophy, spiritual experiences, challenges with connecting to friends and classmates, dating, and etc. And I also discovered that I have changed more than I ever thought possible. Even through I still live at home and in many ways see myself in the same way as I did in high school, I can’t deny how much my ideas and personality and focus have shifted.

And so, after getting re-aquainted and handling a few friend crisis points, I felt very good about the break…and then promptly left the state for choir tour. I’ve loaded up on that bus many times in my life, but never as an actual member of the choir. It was a truly crazy fun experience. We went all the way to Washington DC, sang in the national cathedral and got to enjoy so much in the way of fun and memories on the way. Our concerts went great and we got to see a lot of alumni during the travels. Also got to see Dennis and Donna, the Yurchaks and some of the Costerisan clan…thanks for coming guys!

Tour is over for a few days as we come back for the beginning of classes, then we head back up to the Chicago area this weekend for a few more shows. And for now, that’s all I can really tell you about life because Organic chemistry is coming right up. One more semester here I come!!

Blessings on you all as you dive into a new year…
Morgs

Wow....

2006-12-17T14:41:00.000-06:00

It has been a long week:

finals
crazy lab projects
drama among friends
movie nights in an attempt to relieve stress
later nights as a result of the movies
concerts everywhere
emotional strain of changes that are suddenly upon us
friends leaving town

It has been a good week:

movies
friends
egg nog and cookies
the Polar Express
Intervarsity Leadership transfers
reading christmas books from my childhood
christmas dinner and memory sharing
friends coming home

the "impossible semester" is quickly drawing to a close whether I like it or not. And in another 48 hours I will like it...a lot. 2 more days and I'm out of here!

The Lord is the Rock, the rock eternal...

the storm

2006-12-04T00:48:00.000-06:00

seems to be a bit of a weather theme in my last few blogs...maybe it's an omen, I'll let you decide what it means

Not much time to write but I wanted to at least attempt to document my weekend. Vespers was humming along merrily when suddenly on Thursday night it started to rain...hard...and long...and cold. And by late that evening, there was a thick layer of ice covering EVERYTHING. It was really incredible...it kept raining, but the air was cold enough to produce a good 3/4 of an inch of ice on every branch of every tree, every railing, every light post and telephone wire. By 11:00 when dad and I left millikin, my car was nearly frozen solid, and the drive home was trecherous...there were branches down everwhere, power lines literally laying in the street, and slick roads everywhere. At home, 3 large branches had already fallen off of our large tree due to the weight of the ice. Our power went out around midnight and we all slept in the basement in case a limb decided to come through a window. The forest in our back yard was sounded like an avalanche every time a branch fell.

Friday morning after very small amounts of sleep between crashes, we awoke in a cold dark house...but, good news! Every school in the area INCLUDING millikin was cancelled for the day. My friend Aaron woke me up with tidings of great sledding, so we headed to the park and rounded up a gang to eat icicles, have a snowball fight, and throw ourselves pell-mell down the only hill in Decatur. A random family (3 adorable kids, a dog, and a photographing dad) joined us and we were cold and happy. We ate icicles and rolled in the snow...then went and had pancakes and movies at Holly and Mel's. Yay snow days. The snow and the ice and the crisp sunny day were SO beautiful...and through all the destruction that beauty was even more evident.

After a very long and relatively relaxing day, I finally made my way to my car to head home. No luck opening the door. Called up to the apartment asking for a boy and some hot water to help me. Aaron and I wrestled with the car door for a good 20 minutes before finally realizing that all the water had simply sealed the car shut. lovely. I left my car in it's frozen state for morning and only wiped out on the ice once on the way to his car. Oh ice...how I love you.

Saturday morning we awoke in our powerless house VERY cold...went to McDonalds for b-fast just to get something hot. I begged a hot shower off my buddies and was once again greatful for their hospitality.

Vespers was NOT cancelled, and it came off very well...we had large crowds for every show and all the hard work paid off. It is always amazing to me how satisfying it is to be a part of something bigger than yourself. Vespers is one of those shows that requires so much, but the return is huge. It is also a great bonding weekend...littered with meals and both mental and physical sweat with the gang.

4 days after the storm the trees are still covered in ice (well, what's left of the trees), it is about 15 degrees outside, and the Holmes house (along with hundreds of others) is still without power. I'm at the Bosticks, marveling at how fast the weekend flew and wondering how on earth I'm going to get through this week which is already brimming full.

Tonight my fortune cookie read, "The days ahead will provide un-anticipated support. Receive it graciously." I hate it when fortune cookies nail me on the head...yes, this week is going to be rediculously hard...but if this weekend is any indication, I do not need to worry about support, I need to worry about my ability to accept it. I'm such a pig-headed independant. I must learn how to take the blessings God sends my way as true gifts and not as insults to my ability to handle things. hmmm....

It's late, and I have to get up early to go raid my house for books (I'd go now, but it's too dark to see anything)...so I must to-bed now. Good night world...see you after finals!!

Fog

2006-11-20T21:24:00.000-06:00

break is only about 24 hours away, but I'm a bit in a fog tonight. I'm faced with 85 pages of reading about how the American culture is dying a slow and painful death...that on top of a rather lengthy paper (ok, one that needs to be lengthy and as of yet isn't) and a pile up lab projects, readings, papers, and assignements that are about to slip into the "do over break (haha)" pile.

The back has been a little on the shady side lately, so I'm transforming my computer chair into something semi-ergonomic...the computer on the window seat in the living room and my knees on the carpet. yay carpet.

Vespers rehersals are in full swing, although the next few days will present some well needed vocal rest. Choir and jazz are both much more taxing than anything I did last year. Taxing and completely rewarding...there is nothing that helps relieve me from the stress of sciences more than a good rehersal full of mental sweat and physical strain surrounded by equally dedicated musicians. So fun. Today was load in, so suddenly the stage is covered with risers, trees, and sweaty freshman (who's task it is to move entire rows of steel seats from the balcony to the basement)...tis the season.

This weekend I got to spend a good amount of time with the soon-to-be-weds...practiced for wedding hair, went bowling, played cards...great fun. Also attended Jill's senior recital (AMAZING!!), watched "Cars" with the gang (while marveling at their abilitiy to get a bunch of college kids feeling sentimental about a racecar and a rusty tow-truck), and out for some pretty amazing ice cream...the Tiramasu flavor rocks my world...

Life is foggy...foggy in purpose, foggy in future, foggy in motivation. I'm finding a difficulty recently in understanding how my actions and decisions today are going to affect my state of being in the next week, let alone month or year. Especially in relationships, this proves to be increasingly confusing. Maybe I've hit another hyper-analytical state (not unusual for me) but I am certainly feeling some strain. The very best I can do, I've decided is to keep my mind as much on others as I can...self-centeredness is undoubtably the most destructive portion of my day to day life. As I get myself into un-anticipated tangles with those around me, I do my best to keep from getting bogged down by drama, and to give back all I can. What else is a girl to do?? No one ever said that relationships followed a formula. Thank goodness...that's what makes them so intensely enjoyable!!

so that's all...and hopefully this here fog will clear in due time. For now, it serves as a good reminder of my lack of strength and insight. I'm so clueless some time. So much lost in foggy darkness without a flashlight. And despite the helpless state that I'm in, there's something comforting about having your hands tied...it means that you are NOT the person to accomplish the amazing victory. That's someone else's job.

"Take my will and make it thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for thee
ever, only, all for thee"

Foggy or no, my destination is sure...alleluiah

hanging on...

2006-11-07T23:18:00.000-06:00

the weeks fly
the friends rock
the tests loom
the cold will NOT go away
the schedule eats me

...and somehow we're already scheduling next semester...gah!! a break perhaps?

No, sometimes life is better, I think, when it moves so quickly that you can't ever get to feeling like you're in control of it. And that's what I'd do if I had things going all my way at an even steady pace. I'd lose dependance on my friends, my family, and my savior...and I would probably waste a lot of time too. ( the past hour at the computer wasn't wasted...it was a 'rest')

Life hanging on to a stem in a 90 mile an hour windstorm could be a lot worse. you get to see and experience things rapid fire. Birthdays, apple pie, bonfires, Anchorman, Vespers rehersals, games of "red rover", campus recitals, evangelism training, test taking, internship searching, wedding planning, poster making, random trips to DQ and steak n shake for sustinance.

...and while the pace is dizzying, God is being so faithful to me. I'm learning more than I ever thought there was to know...and for the most part, loving it. I'm drawing closer to people who are sharpening me. I'm teaching, but I'm also learning. Counceling and being counceled. Enjoying the sweet spirit of God in my friends who know him, and doing my best to spread that "irresistable grace" to those who don't. I'm becoming more concious of sin, of predjudice, and of straight up fear in my own life. And I'm being given the opportunities to address them.

and as I use the "grip" God gave me to keep my cool, I'm also basking in the knowledge that without Him I am nothing. I am dust. A clay jar. A mere mortal.

But God has chosen the weak, the useless, the sinners, the foolish, and the uber-busy. ...he has promised to take those hearts that are surrendered to him and indwell them with His power. Amen, and may I never forget!!

Advising day is over...turkey day approaches. Buckle in and hold on tight!!

Peace and blessings to you all,
Me

message from Brain type B

2006-10-29T22:58:00.000-06:00

Our minds are curious things…ok, well, my mind is at least. There are days, even weeks at a time, that I am completely occupied by one heavy, deep, and real thing in my world and nothing else seems to stick. I take tests, hold conversations, and handle all the daily thoughts, but they are all really in “peripheral vision” compared to the central issue or grand focus. If you read my last blog, you probably can get a sense of what that looks like. I get frustrated when I am like this because I end up skipping over all the day-to-day joys and struggles in my attempt to single-handedly solve one of life’s great mysteries.
But then, there are days that my struggle against the force of humanity succumbs to the monotonous and common and I am forced, and rather relieved, to find myself solely focused on the day to day. What I tend to notice at these points is that the periphery has some pretty great things to offer. My past few days of existence have focused me on the following:
~ On Thursday, someone walked up to me in choir and handed me a huge jar full of candy corn, with a masking tape label of “934” on the top…closer inspection revealed that at some un-remembered point in the week I myself had penned “850” on a paper next to my name. I may have been 84 pieces off, but evidently that was close enough.
~ I watched Pride and Prejudice…and enjoyed some very stimulating conversations about it with the females in my family, and some very funny ones with the males.
~ The Cardinals pulled off a spectacular victory and became the new World Champions…it was one of those rewarding victories that my family rarely experiences since we always root for the underdog in every sporting event no matter what. This triumph will likely be repeated until my children are grown.
~ I had my first serious “college/rest of your life” discussion with Casey. (gulp…COLLEGE???)
~ We visited the King Tut exhibit at the field museum in Chicago, and although the mummy itself was not present, I was enthralled as never before with every piece of pottery and statuette.
~ I had my first true concerts in University Choir and discovered that I have already fallen in love with the group.
~ I caught a vicious head cold and slept for 14 hours in one afternoon and night. NyQuil is my friend.
~ Matt and I made up the best word in existence, “uber-woot”….and assigned a definition and proper usage rules.
~ I got to take a well deserved fall break and fill it with hospital work, family time, and yes, studying.
~ I ate a steak at Texas Road House…yeah buddy…

For now, I have no theological questions to ask, no mind bending issues to discover, no political or social agendas to challenge. My life is as it seems…precious, full, and fleeting. Nothing more, nothing less. And until Monday, when my mind desires once again to take on humanity, I’ll be happy to keep it that way.

2006-10-27T23:57:00.000-05:00

Veritas Vincit ~ Truth Conquers

2006-10-14T16:28:00.000-05:00

I’m having one of those weeks where it seems that everything that happens around me is linked. I love it when God does this…when I learn something in one place and find the lesson repeated or embellished at every step during the next few days. Unfortunately, this particular sequence has been less of a lesson and more of an exploration of the concept of truth.

The class:
My seminar on social classes is proving to be even more frustrating than I had originally thought. Its odd, I love it for the simple fact that I am surrounded by so many naturally brilliant and genuinely curious people. I am, however, often disgruntled by my encounters with my professor. Walking to class every Tuesday and Thursday, I have to fight back the feeling that I’m preparing myself for a battering. This professor is considered one of the best in the school, yet I find her very difficult to communicate with. Part of the reason is that we disagree on much. She is a very liberal democrat with strong socialist and feminist undertones…what’s more, she assumes a lot about the “obvious” political opinions of anyone who is truly educated. I feel a bit like I am back in high school with complete one sided teaching that borders on indoctrination at times. The only difference is that these are the exact opposites to all the packaged arguments I heard at DCS. I’m not frustrated by the presence of these poles, in fact, I think they are good for society, but I am frustrated by not feeling like there is a way to find the truth, which often seems to lie somewhere in limbo between them. In the midst of my willingness to respectfully take the other side of these arguments, I find myself holding back. I see flaws in her statistics, but I know perfectly well that those found in a lot of opposing documents are flawed too. Do I fight crap with crap? I don’t think so. In addition, I find that my questions and contradictions to her arguments are automatically met with a presupposition of my “platform” in the far right. This I suppose is fair, since I know I calculate her under a similar ruler.
And while much of what I am learning in this class I disagree with, my eyes are unquestionably being opened to a side of our society which I had before been sheltered to. It is, in a way, refreshing to feel like I’m finally getting the other side of the story…the benefits of welfare, the genuine problems with tax cuts, the truly repulsive waste that happens every day in our government. But these truths, combined with some questions about the wisdom of conservative policy, can prove to be hard to swallow. In fact, as much as I love the discovery of new points of view, I am noticing that the truth can be as disillusioning as it can be inspirational.

The verses:
Dad was sharing some verses with me the other day that proved very challenging to me. Take a peek at Matt. 13:24-30. It’s a parable that Jesus tells about wheat and weeds. The parable essentially explains that Christ knew full well that Christians would be surrounded by faithless, godless people…in fact, for some reason He desires us to continue to grow right along with them. In fact, he says, “if you pull out the weeds, you might pull out the wheat with them.” And while these verses clearly state that the parable is talking about people, I started wondering if it applies to ideas and intellect. I get the sense more and more as I am intellectually trained in a very dark place that God intentionally allows lies to penetrate my surrounding so that truth itself is not damaged by the removal of the lies. …this seems like such a paradox and an anti Christian thing to say, but let me explain. As I said above, I get the sense that very often the truth lies between two extremes. By themselves, these two poles are lies, but together, they may guide us to the truth. C.S. Lewis discusses this in Mere Christianity…he says that one of the devil’s best tricks is making us acutely aware of one evil and getting us to work so hard at steering clear of this evil that we end up falling into another. God calls us, rather, to be wise as serpents…making ourselves aware of the lies on both ends and finding a way to walk steadily between them. If this is true, than the removal of the extremes of arguments, of morality, and of opinion could be devastating to our discovery of truth. …for a fish to understand that the water it lives it is what keeps it alive, it must first be exposed to air…

The Play:
A good friend of mine was recently in an MU production of “The Crucible” which I went to see on Thursday night. It’s a story about the Salem witch trials, written as a political argument during the time of the Communist trials in the states in the 1950’s. Here in 2006, it was being used as an argument against the Bush policies for the questioning and detaining and mistreating of terrorist suspects during the war. Fair enough. I went in prepared to think critically about the political implications. I wasn’t prepared for the personal ones though.

The premise of this play goes far beyond the search for witches, the injustice of the judicial system, the consequences of vengeance, and the hipocricy and blindness of the church…it deals with truth on the deepest levels…truth in the hearts of every man on earth. Throughout the plot it becomes increasingly plain that the power of lies and hate are strong, and the truth is neither easy to discern nor comfortable to vocalize. It is by the “truth” of confession of sin that each of the accused is finally released from prison…but to confess is also to lie. For those courageous enough to choose truth over release, the gallows await. In the final scenes, the lead, John Proctor, who has fought and failed to convince the jury of the true witches, is given one last chance to confess in order to save his own life. He speaks to his wife in anguish, saying that he is more than willing to go the gallows but knows full well that to do so would be a falsehood in itself. “I am John Proctor,” he says, “in whom I see no good. I am as black as any, and to hang next to a saint would be to shame her. For me, to tell the truth would be a farce, for it would declare me a martyr when I am only a sinner.” He signs a confession with an anguished spirit, and then the pastor demands it, ready to nail to the church door. John refuses, saying that to place his name upon the door would be to condemn all of those who had already been killed. Finally, this rational causes him to rip the confession and be lead to his death.

This play asked the questions which I perceive to be the hardest of any that a Christian must grapple with: are there some elements to truth which vary based on the person? Does defense of the truth sometimes call for a lie? Is staying true to ones convictions more or less important than actions which may illuminate the truth for many in the end? It was ultimately a frustrating catch 22 and an extremely moving performance. If’ you ever get the chance, go see it.

The life:
Several times in the last few weeks I’ve been faced with the frustrating choice between speaking truth and showing grace. As a member of the body of Christ, I find this issue to be increasingly difficult. College is full of people from every different background and creed imaginable…and I’m not just talking unbelievers…I’m talking Christians too. One increasingly complex example is a new friendship that I am building with one of the freshman music majors here. He is a sweetheart, a talented musician, a Christian, and also a homosexual. He started coming to Intervarsity very soon after school started and has been quite faithful ever since. This is a very unique situation for our group…the chances of a gay guy walking into our circle is about 1/10,000…and I have been SO PROUD of my circle of friends who have taken roles in befriending, encouraging, and spiritually sharpening him already. Yet I am also scared. I believe that homosexuality is a sin…no worse or better than any other sin that any of us commit, but a sin none the less. I also believe that God calls Christians to exhort other believers in what the Bible says…I believe that God asks us to keep a watch out for sinful patterns in each other’s lives and call each other on them. I believe that the truth should be shared with boldness.

However, on a campus like Millikin, I am increasingly aware that if we drive this guy away he will be accepted with open arms into 49 other groups on campus. He has dealt with so much hatred and judgment from the church already…I do not want to become another example of a holier-than-thou community. And in the midst of all of this, I have become acutely aware of the major difference between him and myself: I am able to hide my sin…he cannot. I’ve been practicing this charade since I was little…learning how to effectively cover up my black heart with smiles and warmth and service and passion and worship. And the church is a whole group of people who have learned to do the same thing. If you want open and honest relationships that do not attempt to hide their insufficiencies the church is often the last place to go. We as believers have bought into the nonsense that our fellowships should be perfect, sinless, and unfaltering. It is no wonder that girls who become pregnant outside of marriage often just leave the church rather than facing the congregation. This is more than facing the shame of sin, it is facing a group of people and being the only one who “got caught” in sin. Surely this is not the type of church that we are called to…surely the grace of God is big enough that we can share it within our own congregations…surely we can find a way to speak truth without forever alienating our own brothers and sisters.

And yet, this “surely” is as vague and cloudy to me right now as anything. I cannot solve the puzzle. I keep praying that God will use this time of uncertainty to help me cleanse my own heart, and then give me courage to speak up when the time comes. I know that at some point this opportunity will come around. Please pray for strength to stand up in it.

And so, through the last 2 weeks and the longest blog imaginable, I am still unable to say that I understand the concept of truth. I do pray though that I may become they type of believer found in 2 Tim 2:15: Do your best to present yourself to God as an approved worker who has nothing to be ashamed of, handling the word of truth with precision.

May the truth, in the end, conquer all…

It's Monday!!! Hooray!!!

2006-09-25T14:10:00.000-05:00

...never have I been so glad to have a weekend over... I felt like I turned into the guys I went to high school, cause all weekend I was saying to myself, "Don't worry, Monday is only ___ days away." It was a day that I regarded with both hope and fear, but in either case, it was the goal.

Today I had my first test. Scratch that...today I had my first three tests. Translation of this fact means that my weekend was CRAZINESS. Except for church, work, a rehersal, and Intervarsity, I was hitting the books all weekend. I don't ever remember studying so hard or long in my life. But now, finally, they are over and my writer's cramp can work itself out and hopefully the rock between my shoulder blades will move on. Praise the Lord for the stamina to make it through this first big bump...now let's just hope that the test scores reflect my work.

I have a whole day between me and the next test...so I'm gonna go run and listen to music for a really long time...then I'm gonna go home and take a nap.

I, Morgan Holmes, solemnly vow not to touch a text book for the next 3 hours.

HUZZAAH!

Class-y

2006-09-04T11:21:00.000-05:00

For most people this time of year, the word “class” refers to the occupation that is suddenly consuming large portions of our life. But the word has taken on whole new meanings in the past week, and although going to class is becoming the rule and not the exception, the term “class” (and all of its forms: classy, classic, etc) is making the old brain turn.

It all started last week in my second class…it’s an honor’s seminar, which essentially means it’s a lot of smart kids and a smarter teacher who sit around for a semester and read and discuss a TON of material relating to a subject that has little to do with academics. This semester the course title is “Aesthetics and Ethics of the Social Class.” Fun.

So our prof sends us a list of 4 books (“go ahead and start on them early…take them on vacation even!”), we come to class and pay 25 dollars for another “packet” (which weighs the same amount as my chemistry text), and settle into the routine. We started the discussion with some pretty typical examinations of social classes in America. It’s a fact of life that surrounds us each day, but it’s a topic that is pretty taboo in our society. This is America…the melting pot…the land of opportunity…the home to great men who pull themselves up by their bootstraps and change the course of history. Classes?? HERE??? Surely not. Fake. That’s what our message of equality has become. Social injustice is all around…but greater than the injustice is the oh so clear lines that distinguish the group you “fit in.” This discussion was sad, but it wasn’t until the next class period that I really started to get heated.

We’re reading a text by Paul Fussell called, appropriately, “Class.” It’s about as frustrating as it is painfully “accurate.” The guy takes on the role of an omnipotent and omniscient social critic and begins ripping people’s lives apart. He talks about the “social markers” which place us into categories. The type of car you drive, whether or not you ever wear purple, or worse, purple suits. Whether your clothes have lettering on them. Your affinity for cats. The designs on your tie. The utensils on your kitchen counter. The number of times a month you go bowling. The places you visit on vacation. Where you stay when you visit those places. How much you talk about wealth and money. Where you go to church. What you serve on Thanksgiving. How you decorate your bathroom. What types of flowers you have on your table during special events. The types of metal furnishings you have in your living room. Think I’m kidding? Well, you’re wrong. And that’s just possessions and entertainment. There’s a whole other description of class as evidenced by what people do for occupations and the rest of “life.”

As we discussed his opinion in class, I found my mind wandering. I think what got to me in this guy’s book was not his information, but his tone. Flat. In your face. Blatant. And an absolutely impenetrable opinion. “Think that a purple shirt you have is cool?? Clearly you’re lost…and what’s worse, you WORKED to buy that thing. Heh…guess your kids are going to be middle class too, because only old money is really high class these days.” It’s not that I’m fighting for purple…not that I think that classes don’t exist…I’m just becoming aware more and more that my attitude is painfully similar to his.

I’m a social critic. I’m a judgmental person. My first impressions are pretty accurate for the most part…and while I usually get to know a lot of different types of people, I find them categorized even in my own brain. People watching is one of my favorite things to do…I love sitting back at soccer games or at the super market or in the business school and just observing the various bubbles of “reality” around me. I relish the crabby kid whining for more candy as much as the model and her hot man making their way to the fancy restaurant. WHY??? Who cares??

I like to think that when I observe I’m learning some psychology or studying the human existence. And maybe I am. But I’m also making assumptions, and dishing out praise or distain just as quickly. Even when I criticize with pity or understanding, at the end of the day I’m still sitting on my butt and figuring out where I am in “the grand scheme of society”…above or below them?? That is the question.

I got in my car and the commercials were on.
“Do you ever watch the millionaires around you and wonder how they got so lucky?? The truth is…THEY ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU! The truth is that you too can become very rich by…”
switch of the dials…next station:
“Have you been longing for a super sleek new Ipod Nano?? Well now, you can have one absolutely FREE by…”
The same sing-songy voices everywhere.

It reminded me of my trip to Chicago a few weekends ago. I was feeling a bit out of my element because my friends were definitely a little richer than I was. We were “browsing” in stores that I couldn’t pronounce, me fingering clothing and trying on ridiculous belts with another buddy, them blowing a few hundred bucks in each store…buying whatever looked good and getting it without even trying it on. And when we walked back into the center of the shopping area, I saw a sign, with a mall logo on it, that said: “Water Tower Place: Defining You.” Defining you?? No, no…you can define what clothes people wear maybe, I thought, you can define the fashions, the brands, the most revered purses, the most expensive footwear. You might even be able to define people’s attitudes. But the people themselves?? Ha! See if I buy so much as a bubble gum ball while I’m here!! As we walked out, it hit me like a ton of bricks that they very fact that they can put that on a sign in a mall says something about the people that walk by. It means we believe it. It means we’ve bought in to the lie that we are what we wear or buy or yearn for. It used to be that we were what we ate. Now we are the shoes we walk on and the cell phones that we have pressed to our ears. And my reaction, I realize now, means that I have decided I am superior to that mindset. Better. Higher. More intelligent.

Great…that’s all I need. More categories. And another reason to elevate myself on the self classy-fication ladder.

You see, for every person who is loaded…who has 5 corvettes in their driveway, who attends Harvard, who jet-sets to an island every other weekend, and for the girl at Millikin carrying a different designer purse every day, I have a prideful answer. “I may not have money, but I’ve got work ethic.” “Sure, you’ve got a hot boyfriend, but I know how to be independent.” “I don’t waste hundreds of dollars a year on clothing…there are kids starving in Africa.” Fussell would call my reasoning “hopelessly middle class” because I feel that I have to prove myself to those who “have more.” I call it stupid. And arrogant. And fake. And some other words I can’t say.

It’s not about money, or purple, or bowling. It’s about they way that I long to uphold myself. And about the way that we all crave respect, admiration, and “status” for something.

Indeed, all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
A person is no longer a Jew or a Greek, a slave or a free person, a male or a female, because all of you are one in Christ Jesus.
And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants and heirs according to the promise.
Galatians 3:27-29

…sheesh…what more status do I think I need than the identity of Christ himself?? The rub?? This status requires us to put ourselves aside. To lose our lives for his sake. To humble ourselves in his sight and the sight of all men around us.

I have no clue how to do this. And something tells me that wearing purple for the rest of my days and hugging cats as often as possible won’t help. So now I have to go read the last 120 pages of Fussell’s book…and I pray that it may open another window for me, not to look on the black and white lines of social class around me, but to look at myself, and the desperately selfish mindset I have fallen into.

Hope you all are doing amazingly well…another more optimistic (and hopefully shorter) post to follow. Blessings~

Round 2:

2006-08-29T10:08:00.001-05:00

school...yeah....I do that now

Many books, many notebooks, many syllabi

auditions over...no information yet...I live with the guy who makes the call...weird

Outreach for new students every night this week...attempting to draw freshmen into IV

Sick...already...sore throats and sneezes in August bite hard

awesome to see everyone again...spending tons of time at the Woods with buddies

it's raining outside...I love rain

I'm drinking hot tea....I love hot tea

time to go home....I love home

the comings and goings...

2006-08-25T23:44:00.000-05:00

Greetings all…

It’s that time of year again…time for the sudden but worthwhile transition back into college life. Last year I felt like it was strange simply because my “going to college” experience involved no “going” at all. This year, there is an entirely different type of weird. I’m staying in the same place but I’m watching the coming and going simultaneously. It’s like being in two movie theaters at once…experiencing the various emotions and events with only one brain and attempting to learn how to cry and chuckle at the same time. Not that either event has been particularly sad or happy to this point…just that the settings and the events that I find myself in hour to hour belong to completely different worlds.

On one hand, I am rapidly approaching another round of bittersweet goodbyes. The week has included a night of spades, a Bible Study cook out, a round of cigars, and even a trip to Chicago, all in celebration and enjoyment of the last days before the buddies split up again. These nights have included reminiscing, catching up on the latest news, having a goofy fun time, and talking about the exciting things that are yet to come in the year. We make plans for the next break, shed a few tears over the departing freshmen, take pictures (“you’ve got to facebook ALL of these!!”), and give large hugs. It’s good fun.

On the other hand, I’m already beginning the re-welcoming of the Millikin buddies who are coming back to help with freshman orientation. These first few days will be as any re-uniting of friends will be. We give big hugs first, then throw ourselves into organizing, sorting, unpacking…then try and think of things to say. We are fully anticipating an awesome year, but we can’t seem to get past happy expressions of “I’ve missed you so much!!” or “I can’t believe we’re sophomores!!” or “so what did you do all summer??” …This I know will all wear off in a few days, but for now we settle into the comfortable but very blank “clean slate” of a new year.

I feel like the people I know are working a jigsaw around me…Jackie leaves for India, Matt comes back from band camp (Oh, excuse me, drum CORE), Annie and Aaron leave for Cedarville, Costerisans come back from vacation, Cassie leaves for Baylor, Faith and Beckie come back to MU, Most of the college buddies depart, Jackie comes home for 36 hours then leaves again, Matt and Tina leave for college, cue 2000 Millikin students. Wow!!

I’m starting to think I’ve got the best of both worlds in a way…I mean who else gets to dye their hair with friends, play awesome games, help friends pack, help friends unpack, and look repetitively into both the past and the future all in the same week??? Looking back, and remembering the despair that this week brought me only a year ago makes me chuckle a bit and then say a huge prayer of thanks. God has been so faithful…and not just to me. Each of you are a walking testimony to His enduring love and his plan for good. Everything may not be clear…but all is for a purpose…His purpose and not mine. And so as all the rushing hither and yon keeps happening I’ll sit here a while and watch contentedly…and thank Him that I’m not the one who holds the design.
For those of you who are taking off…blessings. I look forward to enjoying another clean slate with you come winter break. Know that I’ll be praying for you often. And for those of you coming “home”…get back in a hurry…there’s lots to be done!!

In His peace,
Me

five days...

2006-07-29T17:18:00.000-05:00

Five days. That’s all. As of July 23, our complete family had been in Decatur for only five 24 hour periods since summer started. On only five nights had we all laid our heads on the pillows designated for us. And for only five days had we been a full “family.” Dad was in England for 3 weeks, I was at Summit for 2, Casey was at camp for 2, and mom and dad hit a choral convention for another weekend. It’s been such an odd summer, but a cool one too because we’ve had to learn to connect and cope with only portions of our family unit. Forinstance, last week when mom and dad were gone and Casey was at camp, TJ and I had the house to ourselves for a few days. It was interesting to get to learn some things just about him…something I don’t often get the chance to do. I watched his ball games, talked with him about his friends, played with him in the rain, and learned that he’s man enough to not only endure but suggest chick flicks every once in a while. He has such a sweet spirit and I saw it in a renewed way during our 48 hours together. Cool stuff…little bro stuff…stuff I should never forget to notice.

So, anyways…5 days…and now suddenly we’re on vacation…relaxing and soaking up the beautiful Colorado air as a family. I love it! Just being in the car together all day for the first time in as long as I can remember was WEIRD, but such a great time to re-connect and tell stories and laugh. TJ told jokes, Dad rewrote state songs as we crossed each border, Casey slept a ton, I read and observed the scenery. Mom did a little of everything…utilizing her regular “little bags.” These are a family joke…somehow she always manages to jam about 15 of them between the front seats when we head out for an excursion. There’s the snack bag, the cosmetic bag, the reading bag, the activity bag, the “I really should do it but probably won’t till I get back” bag…etc. Over the course of the trip these bags usually migrate past us kids (“dude, Cheese-its?? Cool!!”) and into the trunk. She read some Dave Barry to us on the way and kept dad awake. That night we enjoyed quality time by the pool at the hotel and consumed way too much Chinese take-out. Ahhh…vacation.

Since we’ve been here we’ve done nothing and everything…all the normal haunts but nothing seemingly significant. If any of you were ever to accompany us on a vacation, you might shake your head at our rituals and occupations here in the beautiful rocky mountains. But you’d just have to deal with it. The very roads and trees up here carry significance, memories, and adventure for our family. We hike through Tin Cup, the only town within an hour (summer population about 300) and visit the beaver dams just beyond it. We enjoy a piece of pie at the café and look through post cards in the gift shop…the same 45 prints that they’ve had since I was 6. Dad always points out the large safes, which are the only remnants of the booming mining town that tin cup once was (over 3500 people at its peak). We visit the lily-pad pond…which has varying levels of water, lilies, and cow pies each year. We find our favorite scenic spot and take approximately 15 pictures in front of the peaks, which slice the blue sky in the same pattern as always. One of our favorite days is the “Taylor Canyon Picnic” day. On this momentous occasion we travel past the reservoir and down into the river canyon about 10 miles until we come to a campground that mom and her family visited every year when she was young. This river, filled with boulders and fly fisherman is perfect for a cooler and some blankets and a relaxing day. The activities rarely change. Jump rock to rock upstream for as long as possible…fall in if necessary…find a rock big enough to sit on for a while and just reflect. Take a nap on a blanket. Look for mountain goats on the cliffs above. Select a perfect boat (stick, branch, or even tree stump) and throw it in with the rest of the family…race downstream to the appointed finish line…cheer and/or dispute the winner…repeat. Journal and read. Fish. Eat sandwiches and entirely too many Oreos. This day always promotes good conversation and brings out the “frolick” in the parents. Actually, it should be noted that there was some new activity this year…mom and I and dad crossed a felled tree on hands and knees to reach a small island in the middle…quite an adventure! Oh…and it rained during lunch this year so we ate under the protective back doors of Grandpa’s jeep and our van backed together. Quite good…quite good!!

Of course, I have not yet mentioned the fishing, which is a daily task in the streams below our cabin. Groups venture out at all hours of the day to find their prey and enjoy the game of sneaking in on calm pools, dropping a juicy worm into the rapids above, and waiting for that satisfying jerk. Great fun…nothing like it. Nor can I say that I enjoy anything quite so much as the crisp mountain air and the way that you are completely out of breath by the time you climb the hill coming home.

And while the scenery and the activities never change, we keep coming back to this place…it’s a group of people…a stunning environment…a valley of memories, which holds not just stability but something new each time we make the trek. We’ve enjoyed Grandma’s great cooking all week…pondered and reflected on life, which somehow becomes silhouetted by the powerful nature around us…and caught up on all the family news. I can hardly believe that we’ll be coming home in a day!! I think I can sympathize with Dash and say, “That was like the best vacation EVER!!! …I love our family…”

the frustrating thing about Tiggers

2006-07-11T22:34:00.000-05:00

I had another identifying moment (actually more like an identifying chapter) in my life this week. I started a new job at an assisted living care center...covering for someone who's on vacation for a couple of weeks and pitching in as I can after that. I seriously need to write a book of short stories from the past few shifts...every moment is one that needs to be captured. For the sake of my memory (and in the hopes that perhaps someday I'll have time to do things like write well), I'd like to jot down a few. Enjoy.

Ida Mae is a sweet older woman who got completely frustrated a few days ago when she couldn't find the number 10 on her telephone. My co-worker tried to explain it to her but she did not believe that the number 10 was two numbers. I'm so glad that it wasn't in the room at the time...i had more than a brief chuckle from the incident.

Walter is the gentleman of the community...he is forever opening doors and watching for people who need a helping hand. he always has a smile and a wave, although he spends the majority of his days sitting on a couch in the commons room watching the same people pass by again and again. He is also quite an avid dancer...we had a musical group come in to play some old war tunes today and he took several of the ladies for a spin. Can you say CUTE??

The oldest member of the group is a sweet little lady, 97 years old just a few days ago. She is a 4 foot 7 ball of determination and a wonderfully precious personality. A surgery that she had a few weeks ago left her vocal chords paralyzed and reduced her to a very urgent whisperer. yesterday she had another surgery to loosen her "pipes" and when I went in today she had taken on the volume and tone of a life long smoker. ...My guess is that she'll be speaking full swing by tomorrow.

Gerry is a white-crowned lady who is a bit more independant. She has a walker but could probably benefit from a speed limit. She does three laps of our hallway every morning before and after breakfast...and whenever she reaches the end of a hall she flips her "support" around faster than you could imagine. She only seems unsure of herself when this walker is not at her side...unfortunately her memory sends me on the chase 3 or 4 times a day. :)

Another favorite pal of mine is a man named Lester...he's the closest thing I'll ever see to a living, breathing Don Knotts. His goofy smile, his gait, his tone of voice, and the little jigs he does on the way up and down the hallways (even despite his cane) keep all of us laughing and energized. How come he has more energy than me at 6 in the morning??

This job is SO different then my work at the hospital. In the place of chaos and files and doctors and interruptions are calmness and coaxing and smiles and long chats in the dining room. I have to give showers but I'm also asked to wait on tables and sit down with residents who are lonely and help the secretary if she needs it. It's less about a well oiled corporate machine and more about a team that does what needs to be done. I love the residents, love the staff, love the change in myself when I walk through the door. I've decided that I'm a tigger. ...that's weird cause I've always thought of myself as a bit of an Eyore...but after this week think not.

...I bounce...

Yeah...literally, but figuratively too. I'm energized by large groups and busy schedules. I like being needed but even if I'm not directly needed I usually try to get right in the middle of things anyway. Is that bad? I'm thinking not totally, but I have had pause to wonder in the last few days. Why is it that I'm not content to sit back and observe? That I can't stand more than a few days of "slow"...whatever that means?

I'm struck on a gargantuan level that while I thrive on the fast-paced and crazy I learn the best from the slow and thoughtful. Maybe that's why I love the mountains and the woods so much...they are the antithesis of "hectic" and yet they are anything but calm and subdued. Hmmm...

So here I am...a tigger...and suddenly I've knocked over a whole line of Poohs. ...Or rather, I've been knocked down by their willingness to keep both feet on the ground and look at the details around them. They enjoy the decorative tassels on the pillows as much as their visitors...and despite the numerous "Oh Bother" moments which plague the older generation, they are generally quietly pleasant. Is there a way to blend these two?? Am I supposed to choose one over the other? Maybe if I keep smashing into poohs I'll become some sort of hybrid. ...For now, I'm content with this experience that God's dropped in my lap...or directly under my "bouncy trouncy fun fun fun fun fun!!"

Blessings to you all...

Reeling

2006-07-04T00:38:00.000-05:00

i'm back.

There's this weird feeling...similar to the one I felt on re-entering the country after a 6 month sojourn with my family in Europe. ...this odd sensation that everything I grew up around is strangely familiar but I see it totally differently. I remember the first time I saw a "Super Walmart" with its sprawling parking lots and bustling people. It's not that I'd never seen a building that big...but after 190 ish days in the cramped and reflective streets of England it was a shock. ...that's how I feel...like everything I see is now viewed through new eyes. It's exciting and daunting and a bit freaky.

Tonight we had our first college bible study since my return. We dove head first into some facinatingly frustrating questions that no one could answer. We got way off track but ended up hitting some very intersting convos. ...It was one of those nights where all I could do was hope that somehow God could take the mud we made and allow some pure water to come to the surface eventually. If there's one thing I learned at summit it was "doubt and questioning God are not bad...it is when we cease to struggle with Him that we are in danger."

My family and I spent the better part of today comparing notes on all the stuff we've been doing over the past three weeks. Dad loaded us up with chocolate (the good stuff...not the American crap we get here) and stories of British-isms. We got to reminice with him a bit about our time over there (I can't BELIEVE that was 5 years ago!) and he shared about his choir experience. He had some very interesting encounters, especially when it came to attempting intellectual conversations about spirituality. In light of the fire hydrant that has pushed me along these past few weeks, we had some interesting discussions and got to banter back and forth about the head knowledge and the "real world." I love my family because we have some amazing discussions when we get in the mood. I love that I have parents who care what I think and why...and I also happen to think they are some of the most wise people I know. I also showed lots of pictures of all my buddies from Summit. I've talked with someone from there every day...its nice to be in touch still, I miss them terribly.

I've been trying to slowly unpack my suitcase and my brain...attempting to slowly but surely pull everything out, assess it, and then re-process it as I can. I'm reeling the information back into myself in a slightly more organized manner...reeling while trying to re-adjust to life...reeling at the thought of all that I must dedicate myself to learning over the rest of the summer. I'm jazzed beyond belief but very tired. On that note...my bed is looking quite appealing, I believe I'll try it out. Blessings on your independance day, and love to you all.

2006-06-23T22:14:00.000-05:00

Cedarville University
11:30 PM

Tonight I walked around after the final session to think and pray and explore a little. The grass was wet and my flip flop broke so I took off my shoes and walked in the grass. I love wet grass. I wandered down to the lake/pond here on campus. It’s been laughed at all week for its size, but tonight it truly did look idyllic. The wide, darkening sky and lights reflecting off its surface made it truly beautiful. We had a huge thunderstorm this afternoon and after the rain and the wind everything was extremely calm. I followed the grass around, aimlessly wandering and found a little bridge and fountain. It’s the part of campus clearly dedicated to aesthetics…and calling the pensive and the romantic. It’s my guess that more than one female Cedarville student has dreamt of sharing her first kiss on that bridge. For their sakes I hope it happened to.

Tonight I heard, hands down, the BEST explanation of the biggest problem students have with Christianity. “If God is so loving and so powerful, why am I sitting in the middle of evil? Why do people die, why do children get murdered, why do tsunamis take the lives of thousands?” Our speaker did not mince words…in fact, he shot down most of the cliché responses to this question and even a few responses that seem legitimate. He explained the logical and emotional reasons that people “pick a bone” with God…and he explained the reasoning that other worldviews give to the problem of evil. He pointed out that most people turn away from their belief in God because they are mad. Mad at who?? God. People understand the hurt of pain but they cannot come up with anyone to “blame” but Him. People who do bad things can be disregarded as immoral, natural disasters can be shirked as “unavoidable”, accidents can be passed off as the ultimate example of the randomness of life. But GOD…God should be able to handle all of this…and the presence of evil is truly unavoidable.

Ultimately, as the speaker pointed out tonight there is no “solution” to this problem…but there can be resolution as we begin to understand who it is that Christ has promised to be in our daily lives. I wish I had paid more attention to the verses that I read when I was little…to the ones that says that Christ doesn’t just forgive our sins but bears our sorrows (Isaiah 53). God has never promised that we would be without pain…but he has given a part of himself to feel the pain right along with us. As if the pain and blackness of our sins weren’t enough, Jesus has promised to feel everything that we do.

Ever paid attention to the shortest verse in the Bible? One of Jesus’ best friends has been sick, and even though he could have gone to help he doesn’t. The friend dies…and when Jesus finally shows up, Mary does not even try to hold back her frustration. “Jesus…if you had just come…just showed up…or even spoke the words from where you were, my brother might still be alive!!” …And Jesus, who knows full well that in 5 minutes Lazareth will be back from the dead, does not bother Mary with “it’s ok…just wait, this is gonna turn out GREAT!” Jesus doesn’t ask Mary for “more faith” or tell her “oh, this is just a growing experience.” No…he weeps with her. He takes her in his arms and feels her grief. He shows his human side, but more than that he shows us that he cannot ignore our pain. He has promised to bear it all. And after he has finished holding her, crying with her, he walks across the lawn and performs his most spectacular work yet to be seen on earth.

Our speaker also challenged us tonight that God created a world that he knew would fall not because he wanted us to go through crap but because he knew that we must have free will in order to truly love him back. God knew that a redeemed world, even one that was filled with hate and lies and pain, would ultimately be better than a world that had never fallen at all. Because let’s face it…if we were still in the garden, still perfect, and still living a life free from evil and sin, would we even take the time to realize that God was there?? But when we as his children are forgiven, comforted, and then redeemed to actually do good…then will we be able to look at our savior with love and run to him in helpless abandon. Wow. …wow….

I’ve just tried to nutshell about 1.5 hours of the 8+ hours of teaching I had today alone. And I don’t have time in this message to talk about the amazing worship sessions we’ve been having too. Or the slip-and-slide that we did today. Or the fantastic people here. Or the things God has been teaching me about being content with the person that I am no matter what I see around me.

Please pray for protection and faith to walk through the fiery darts that Satan is sending our way. It’s amazing how many kids have gotten calls in the last 48 hours about failing relatives, friends on death’s doorstep, or friends with new drug addictions. Thanks Lord for the teaching that we need…

I love you all…feel free to call me any time…I like voicemails!!
In his peace,

Me

bittersweet

2006-06-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

I’m in a weird mood…not at all the type of mood I expected to be in right before I leave on my little “adventure” to Summit for the next two weeks. I kinda anticipated being totally jazzed about going…bouncing around and throwing clothes and Frisbees into a suitcase with all the loud songs and annoying movie quotes I could muster for background noise. But here I am in the middle of the afternoon sitting down to blog. I can’t remember the last time that happened. Interesting.

NOT to say that I’m not excited about Summit…I think it’s gonna be an incredible experience, although I’ve been warned that it will be like trying to drink out of a fire hydrant. I’m ready to learn and be challenged and given tools. And yeah, I’m ready to go meet some new people and see new places (although I know it’s gonna suck when I have to say “goodbye till heaven” at the end of 14 days). I’m driving out on my own, which is new and will be kind of fun. And I really am ready for a bit of an independence streak. But today was one of those days that caught me off guard…actually, this whole week did. God reminded me in a ton of ways how much He has given me here at home. It’s nice to remember those things when I get itching to “get out and do something big.”

Dad left for England on Tuesday, so the family has been sticking close these last couple of days. That has been a blast…many spades games and some movies and just chats on the living room floor. Why does it take a plane flight to London for me to get my act together and connect with people that live under the same roof as me? Hmmm… I’ve also been trying to get the house ready/lawn mowed/phone calls made around the house and have been working a fair amount.

I came home on Thursday night after the first genuinely FUN night of work I can ever remember. It was still work…I was still cleaning up after people, but I had a great night with a couple of the aides I’m working with (which included wheelchair races at one point of severe boredom) and also had some incredibly sweet patients…the kind that make you WANT to go back in and make sure there’s no linen on the floor and their water still has ice in it. Then there was the bitter part of the sweet…a lady who was fully functional only 48 hours earlier had fallen and had a stroke. She was disoriented and unresponsive verbally, but her eyes told it all. As I went in to check on her before I left, she wouldn’t stop touching me, trying so hard to tell me something…and although I was not able to hear what she was saying, her face was speaking volumes. I held her hand and got hit once again by the brevity of life…by the peace and love that she had received earlier while her daughter was in the room…by the suddenness of change. Lord may I never take one SECOND of my life for granted…

I’ve had the last two days off…got to have breakfast with Laura and Bethany, lunch with the family before I leave, and dinner (and a surprise breakfast extension) with Jackie and Andrew. Man I love all those kids. I cannot deserve such amazing friends, but I know God has placed them here specifically to teach me what I need. I feel like being with them is like communing with God himself sometimes…like sipping a little drop from the huge cup of Heaven’s glory. But as Andrew said today when we left “the time never satisfies”…and I got to thinking, isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?? Appetizers always leave us wanting more. And more there will be…

And now here I sit, with most of the clothing I own sitting in a suitcase and with my mind pondering all that I’ve heard and learned over the past couple of days. I feel like I can’t grasp it all lately. Like I can’t string everything together into one lesson. Like I’m learning by flashcards and not by a text book. I covet your prayers these next two weeks as I dive in to all of the knowledge that is about to be set before me and hope I come up with one teaspoon full to really hold on to. Pray that I will learn to listen more, to find conviction often, and to freely confess the things that are getting in the way. Pray that I can minister to the people I meet. Pray for patience. Thanks much.

Blessings on you all…give me a call if you want to especially during drive time. If you’re reading this, chances are I’m praying for you too.

Me

Time flies when...

2006-06-09T01:04:00.000-05:00

...you're alive...

I've given up trying to pinpoint what it is that makes my life go at breakneck speeds. Sometimes it feels like that's just part of life. Oh well, enjoy what you can and hold on tight!!

So I guess summer hasn't made me any more dedicated to this blog...bummer. I just got done with my third straight 12 hour shift this week...and despite the fact that I have to be up again in 7 hours, I'm gonna do a quick post and catch up on life. NO MORE WORK FOR TWO DAYS!! :D

Let's see...I guess I'll start way back in May...the last week of it I spent up in Wiscosin at Chapter Focus Week, a training camp for Intervarsity leadership team. An 11 hour drive to the UP landed us on a beautiful camp site...surrounded by Lake Huron and smothered in cedar pines. This was an incredibly intense week that was a huge challenge and also a blast. I did a hard core study of the book of mark (ever done 6 hours of bible study every day for a week???) and met some amazing people in that class. My small group was clearly divinely put together...these people were so eager and giving...we had some amazing discussions and learned a ton. The evenings were dedicated to worship and prayer times with both the whole group and our smaller groups from each campus. Millikin's coordinators did a lot of work on specific goals and vision for the next year. We had a fantastic team and are prayerfully anticipating the start of next semester. Please pray for us if you will...this is an organization that has struggled at MU, but it is filled with some very dedicated students. Pray that we can have an effect on the people...pray that we will be bold to take on every day obstacles and not just let them slide because "that's the way it is."

I came home exhausted but very excited...only to land in the middle of graduation season. Great to see some of my buddies at all the parties...and hard to believe that only a year ago that was me! Highschool seems like a different world. I'm so excited to see where God takes all these people and how they will grow and change. Excited...and sad to see them go.

Work is in full swing now, and I'm greatly enjoying being on a mid shift and not having to pull nights anymore. I like the feeling of not being a "newbie" anymore, and generally having the respect of my co-workers. I've been making it a goal lately to change the perspective of difficult patients as I can...I make it a bit of a game...whenever someone passes on "she's impossible" or "you'll be in that room all day" I attempt to change the outlook while I'm on duty. It really is amazing how much a person's attitude will change with a little encouragement. And even when it doesn't, I find my attitude stays more likeable when I'm trying hard to change theirs.

We kicked off a summer college bible study this week, and had a great turnout for the night. I am really looking forward to the discussions we'll have...although being a leader scares me to death. I was reminded how many sharpening friends I've been blessed with as we sat around and talked that night. I hope this summer will be both helpful and encouraging to everyone in the group.

In other news (my sleep is shortening by the minute so I'll be brief):

~Zach and Tina got engaged...I get to be in the wedding and can't wait to help with all the details
~Dad's headed to England for 3 weeks next wednesday
~I discovered this past week that TJ will be in Junior High next year, is over 5 feet, and has arrived in the "girls are still weird but might be likeable" stage. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN??
~Casey and I had a sister's day...spent way to much money and had a great time
~The first girl from our class is now officially married. Word on the street is that at least 4 more grads from our class will follow next summer if all goes as planned.
~I leave for Summit in Ohio in just over a week...can't wait
~the movie "Rumor has it" is not worth your time, so don't watch it
~ Annie and Aaron get married this weekend...got to finish that quilt!!

hope that everyone is doing well...sorry this got so long!! Hey, life is crazy but it's also summer time, so give me a jingle by golly!! Hope you are enjoying the ride,

me

When "the flip side" becomes "this side"...

2006-05-17T11:19:00.000-05:00

Umm…ok…I’m here…

Not in the middle of finals
Not trying to pull off concerts every other day
Not struggling through hours of reading
Not writing papers like it’s my job and I’m paid a million dollars a day.

Nope…none of that…zilch, nada, goose eggs. Suddenly, wonderfully, my entire schedule has changed, my personality is totally different, I spend my time in totally different ways, and I’m focused on new people and places. I’m not bipolar. It’s just that “the flip side” has become “this side.” For months I’ve been telling people… “I’m so sorry, I’ll do better at _______ once school gets over,” “I can’t think about that until _______ is over!!” and “No one needs sleep!! Ahh…I’ll get some on at the other end of the tunnel.”

Well my friends, the end of the tunnel is here…and I can’t deny it, I’m feeling the wind and the sunshine like never before. Hooray!! Praise the Lord!! Grades aren’t all in yet, but so far so good…and honestly I can’t do anything about it now so I don’t really care.

So far my break has been good…not exactly restful, but different, which feels great. After my last final on Saturday, we attended Lauren Burrises’ wedding…that was awesome, although I was caught a little off guard when I looked over during the ceremony and Mom was taking notes in the program. Notes for what? I shouldn’t have asked…can someone please tell my mom that it’s really gonna be a while?? Perhaps I should remind her that I don’t even have a boyfriend. Haha…no, it’s great to have a mom who’s prepared. No doubt she’ll be ready at the drop of a hat. I enjoyed getting to help at the reception and seeing everyone home. Sunday afternoon we had the Yurchak clan (Gaggle? Flock? Herd?) over for lunch…it’s sad that we only get to see them once every few years, but awesome how we pick up when we get back together. Katie ended up staying for a few hours longer, and she’s AMAZING. I think we have a lot in common and I enjoyed her crazy-fun personality (yay for giving each other crash courses of our year, crazy Walmart parking lot pictures, and peanut butter cookies).

This week I’ve caught up on sleep a little, been helping around the house (something I completely failed at for the last few months), and am trying to help the Bosticks out on their move. They have a beautiful new house and I’m loving moving boxes and “stuff” to all corners of it. So, now I'm off again to another day of everything but not the same everything as before. Summer is finally here!! Love you all...

Dust

2006-05-01T09:49:00.000-05:00

We had an amazing sunday school lesson yesterday that has changed my perspective on the week in front of me. So I'm gonna write this down, so that I can remember it, and perhaps someone will benefit from the reading of it as well.

We discussed the Jewish education system more in depth than I've heard for a while. In a nutshell, all the kiddos go through a "basic" education which entails memorizing the first 5 books of the Bible by the age of 7. Those who are the cream of the crop move on to another school where they memorize the rest of the books. And the best of the best of this group move on to yet another level which studies history, phillosophy, and the interpretations or "yokes"of the great rabbis of the faith. Each rabbi (themselves the extreme elite of the educated) had a known interpretation of the scriptures and fashioned their teaching and understanding from these beliefs.

So when the best of the best of the best get out of school, they have decided which rabbi they agree with the most, and they have commited themselves to the rabbi's yoke. The final step to becoming a rabbi yourself was to go before each rabbi and answer hundreds of questions and hope to finally hear the words, "Come, follow me." This phrase of acceptance gave young men the confirmation that the rabbi thought the students could learn to be exactly like them. After this point, aspiring students would often be told "may you be covered with the dust of your rabbi"...may you follow so closely, that you will literally be stained by his steps.

We went on to draw a weird connection to the story in Matthew 14 of Peter walking on the water. Our teacher pointed out that Peter, and the other 11 men in the boat, had been called by Jesus to "come follow me." Come be just like me, you can make it, you can become not just my friend but my replica. It is this faith that causes Peter to come out of the boat and walk on the water like his rabbi. So what causes him to fall?? I've always assumed that Peter doesn't have enough faith in Jesus...but our teacher suggested that Peter was lacking faith not in Christ but in himself.

Wow...think about that for a few minutes. God has called all of us just as he called his disciples. They were common tradesmen...fishermen, tent makers, doctors. Just like them, we don't have the Bible memorized, we have not made it through ranks of Jewish teaching and history, we wouldn't know a rabbi if he met us on the street. But our great teacher has called us to come close to him, to be covered with his dust, and ultimately to become just like him. What keeps us back? What blocks our way? I realized that in my own life, I rarely believe that God can't do something...I believe that I am too weak to be used. In fact, as I thought about it, I think nine times out of ten my own insufficiencies are my greatest barrier to doing God's work. Not because I can't get around them, but because I refuse to believe that God can.

"Oh you of little faith...WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF??" (Matt 14:31)

me
myself
my foolishness
my pride
my distractions
my weakness

And out of 1 Corinthians, God hit me over the head.

"Remember dear brothers and sisters that few of you were wise in the world's eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose the things the world considers foolish to shame those who think that they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose the things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God."

And suddenly I realize that my weakness and insufficiency is PLANNED...they aren't mistakes, they are the GOAL....so that what I accomplish here on earth is unquestionably the work of God. Does God have faith in us? Absolutely not. Then why did he leave his message here and command us to spread it? Because he had faith that we could be used as his instruments. As our teacher said, "God calls the nobodies, the B-team, the not-good-enoughs, and he calls them to be his disciples and change the course of human history."

I'm shocked again after re-thinking all this...shocked and near tears and re-inspired to give the Lord another chance to do something big. May we all commit our lives to becoming a replica of our savior...to walking so close to him that people can't even distinguish us.

Blessings on you all...and may you be covered in the dust of your rabbi...

Angels singing...Alleluiah

2006-04-27T10:45:00.000-05:00

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." ~Jim Elliot

...it's a quote I found on her Facebook wall that speaks volumes not just to her life but to her death. Betsy Smith is with her savior. There's nothing to say at this point...no words can express the feelings.

In this tough time I pray for faith like Job to say: "The Lord gives and the Lord has taken away...BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD" Our God is awesome, but it is easy to forget in times like this. I choose to praise you Lord for reminding me that your sovereignty is so much bigger than any "control" that I feel like I posess or deserve. Forgive me for my failure recognize your authority until something like this happens.

I'm praying, praying hard...and trusting God to bring this family back together soon.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
Amen